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Jul 2013 · 716
Thoughts on Regret
MaryJane Rebel Jul 2013
I made the same mistake I always make,
Promises to myself that I never want to break…

But I do.

As if my swan song is on replay.

Imbibe, Undress, Feel Alone, Regret.
Regret.
Regret.

Women are supposed to wait, not give so much away. There is this whole game that I never had even begun to play while others were already in the advanced stage. I know there is something different about me. I can feel it in the way people talk as if there is something they are seeing that I am not feeling. The disconnect feels like a gap that is widening and crumbling away underneath my feet.

I made the same mistake I always make which ends in me being comfortless
Strangers ask me how I could be single in comparison with the characteristics that make up me, as if beauty was mutually exclusive with companionship.
I want to tell them it’s because I’m crazy.
Because I choose to pursue men who I cannot obtain and usually only after I’ve given anything they could possibly want away.

I’m exhausted and distressed
Afraid that my mistake will consume the only male friendship I had yet to taint
Disquieted knowing I could easily desire more when you do not feel the same.
Assuming every ignored text is more then a simple coincidence
Lost and afraid my comfortable place, my friend I turned to when I wished everything else to fade away, is no longer available free of any constraints.
Mar 2013 · 1.1k
Strawberries and Cream
MaryJane Rebel Mar 2013
I think I found you

lost at sea

I assumed you could possibly be...

waiting..

for me.

I know I'm new
I'm strawberries and cream
tattooed ideological
fantasy

Not as interesting as reality.
Feb 2013 · 817
My Valentine
MaryJane Rebel Feb 2013
My Valentine
(in flames)
buried between old wounds

I'm bleeding through your hands
The haunted embrace of modest thievery

A 'Au Revoir'

Built to make ghosts...
another poem assembled from collaging words from a magazine together. Helps me feel expressive when I cannot always find the words.
Feb 2013 · 897
Winter's Animals
MaryJane Rebel Feb 2013
Men as witches
cloud bad brains

like rats

worn out angles

parasitic    brain bombs

negative approach

Venom wide torture women
none of them are free.

Winter's animals water no nirvana
Narrow minds fall

A sea of ****

    drink or die

no truce. no truce.
*Written from collaging band names and information together from a flier for a show after New Years 2013
Feb 2013 · 707
I want a man...
MaryJane Rebel Feb 2013
I want a man who wakes up me softly, already smelling of the morning’s coffee.
I want a man who reads and is never full, a library of literature to engulf me.
I want a man who does the dishes simply because he believes in a clean kitchen.
I want a man who surprises me, blindfolds and tells me I can’t know where we are going…
I want a man who understands my desire and wish to be enchanted.
I want a man who can cook for my family and friends, being that he finds joy in showing my Father how much he truly loves me.
I want a man who undresses me slowly, kissing me eagerly as he drops articles of clothing to the floor
I want a man who is not afraid to tell me I am acting out of line, that I am irrational as he pours me a glass of red wine.
I want a man who exercises his body, his mind and his soul.
I want a man to love me unconditionally, as if God made us with the design that I was his and he was mine.
I want a man who is always honest with me,
      even when it hurts,
      even when I wish he had lied.
I want a man who is chivalrous to my mother, plays with my dog and helps my father do work in the yard.

I want a man who is charitable and kind.

I want a man I did not settle for because I was lonely and ‘he seemed nice’.

I want a man who reminds me I am never alone in this life, that each struggle is no longer just mine.


I want the man I am afraid I will never find.
Nov 2012 · 510
Summer's Game
MaryJane Rebel Nov 2012
Today
Looking through pictures of you
Epiphany struck me with the heavy force of a lovers fist

Leaving me was the greatest gift you ever gave me
In fact,
It was the only gift you ever gave me.

Lonely longing blinded me
to what only I could ever see…

You were never worthy to any part of me.

You took       so            so much
I continuously gave
My heart               empty              aches
Weighted by my misconceptions

Today
Looking through pictures of you
Seeing how I was replaced

Fictitious loveless exchange
Fraudulent friendship
Summers game.
Sep 2012 · 1.4k
Salty Lips
MaryJane Rebel Sep 2012
I dream of you
A stranger with your face, like a mask, in front of mine
He has your strong jaw line, your brown eyes
Walks with your confident stride
But the emptiness I feel as he kisses me goodbye brings me to reality every time
A jolt like a ligatured body cascading to a halt…
A brutal surprise

Days do not pass, uneclipsed by need for rationalization
Teeter tottering from acceptance to dissent
Memories like worn film,
Played and replayed
Longing for the ending to change

I was crying in answer to subjugation  
Unable to watch your mouth move as it formed syllables
Strung eloquently into carefully chosen words
Ultimately to assert our relationships Goodbye
I held my breath as you lingered at my doorframe
Felt the warmth of tear stained salty lips once last occupying yours
I watched you drive away
I waited knowing your headlights would soon fade

I dream of you
Infinite minutes of fantasy or fallacy
Made to blur factuality  
Reverie in which no matter of the stories distortion
You stayed
Aug 2012 · 2.8k
Summer Love
MaryJane Rebel Aug 2012
Fall is ****** upon me like puberty on a child
The anticipation and excitement of ****** change
A new precipice to fall from
Reminding me summers love long ago faded
A relationship transformed into a festering wound
Oozing rot masked sweetly with the scent of candied words
Aug 2012 · 604
An Only
MaryJane Rebel Aug 2012
I am a child
The loneliest kind of child
An only child
Suited with vividly wild imagination, a vernacular beyond my years and a need for understanding encouraged by parents who believed in the truth with an answer for every question.
I am a beast
Angry and wild
With a passion so burning I am in awe I am not on fire
I am alone
Aug 2012 · 1.3k
Lies Caramelized
MaryJane Rebel Aug 2012
Are you thinking of me?
Do I ever sweep through your mind?
Rolling over meadows of memories, like fog consuming the horizons line

Tonight I watched two souls interacting
Shared secrets kept behind smile lines
Reminiscence of you and I,
Moments shared so sweetly, our lies caramelized

The world faded away
Atmosphere melted like butter
Saturating conversations of strangers to the buzz of a fly in lovers ears
Swept out in the rip tide of compatibility
Making love through articulation

It was all a fallacy
You likely never cared for me, never weighed the reality of distance and time
Thinking only of yourself
Fulfilling insecurities and selfish desires with glutinous appetite

A coward
Lying like wounded prey, victimized in the masses eyes
Leaving those that loved you demolished
Moth eaten garments suggestive of rags
Ruins of a civilized time
Aug 2012 · 1.1k
Wounded Animal
MaryJane Rebel Aug 2012
I hear your voice like a screaming nightmare
Breaking the consoling silence of sleep
Whispers softly nibbling my ear
Waking alone I wrap my arms around myself
Your memory lingers at my fingertips
Caress my soft skin, feel my womanly curves and touch my ample *******
Fantasizing you
Then lay alone, an empty carcass in the reality of my morning daydreams.
Moving to changing destinations, paths passing the places we used to visit
I greet your ghost there
A haunting apparition of the love you were unable to bequeath
But felt the need to feed.
A carrot stick of intimacy dangled poetry in front of my ravenous hunger
Tear filled eyes with muddied thoughts ponder perception and acceptance
Like a wounded animal starving to death in the wild
Pleading please put me out of my misery
Feed my void or punish me for my inadequacies
Anything but desertion
Alone in this love with no one to catch my fall
No one to guide me home
My ***** burn with the laughter of children
Feeling like a cat in heat, arching her back, anticipating the excitement of pleasure
Distraction is the anesthetic, filling days with faces, stories and preoccupations
Silent car rides home allow speculation to settle in
New hysteria of doubts and accusations
No solace for those who suffer the anguish of what it is to ruminate
Imaginary conversations swing reality like a pendulum
From black to white, through a grey scale of affection
Evening wraps her arms around me offering peaceful relief
Moments of acceptance to relinquish misery keep my sanity
A lullaby soothing salted wounds
Liberty to forgive,
Unable to forget you
Aug 2012 · 688
Love, unrequited.
MaryJane Rebel Aug 2012
Love is fleeting.  
An enigma of energy moving with the speed of a train derailed from its tracks.
It is quick and overcomes you with ferocity,
a deceitful dance of give and take,
to chase and be chased.

Love unrequited wraps itself around you,
like chains made to drag your not quite lifeless body to a hidden sepulcher at the bottom of the sea. Pressure and time will turn your corpse into less then a faint memory,

a face in a dream of the lover you were unable to obtain.

— The End —