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MaryJane Rebel Jul 2013
I made the same mistake I always make,
Promises to myself that I never want to break…

But I do.

As if my swan song is on replay.

Imbibe, Undress, Feel Alone, Regret.
Regret.
Regret.

Women are supposed to wait, not give so much away. There is this whole game that I never had even begun to play while others were already in the advanced stage. I know there is something different about me. I can feel it in the way people talk as if there is something they are seeing that I am not feeling. The disconnect feels like a gap that is widening and crumbling away underneath my feet.

I made the same mistake I always make which ends in me being comfortless
Strangers ask me how I could be single in comparison with the characteristics that make up me, as if beauty was mutually exclusive with companionship.
I want to tell them it’s because I’m crazy.
Because I choose to pursue men who I cannot obtain and usually only after I’ve given anything they could possibly want away.

I’m exhausted and distressed
Afraid that my mistake will consume the only male friendship I had yet to taint
Disquieted knowing I could easily desire more when you do not feel the same.
Assuming every ignored text is more then a simple coincidence
Lost and afraid my comfortable place, my friend I turned to when I wished everything else to fade away, is no longer available free of any constraints.
MaryJane Rebel Mar 2013
I think I found you

lost at sea

I assumed you could possibly be...

waiting..

for me.

I know I'm new
I'm strawberries and cream
tattooed ideological
fantasy

Not as interesting as reality.
MaryJane Rebel Feb 2013
My Valentine
(in flames)
buried between old wounds

I'm bleeding through your hands
The haunted embrace of modest thievery

A 'Au Revoir'

Built to make ghosts...
another poem assembled from collaging words from a magazine together. Helps me feel expressive when I cannot always find the words.
MaryJane Rebel Feb 2013
Men as witches
cloud bad brains

like rats

worn out angles

parasitic    brain bombs

negative approach

Venom wide torture women
none of them are free.

Winter's animals water no nirvana
Narrow minds fall

A sea of ****

    drink or die

no truce. no truce.
*Written from collaging band names and information together from a flier for a show after New Years 2013
MaryJane Rebel Feb 2013
I want a man who wakes up me softly, already smelling of the morning’s coffee.
I want a man who reads and is never full, a library of literature to engulf me.
I want a man who does the dishes simply because he believes in a clean kitchen.
I want a man who surprises me, blindfolds and tells me I can’t know where we are going…
I want a man who understands my desire and wish to be enchanted.
I want a man who can cook for my family and friends, being that he finds joy in showing my Father how much he truly loves me.
I want a man who undresses me slowly, kissing me eagerly as he drops articles of clothing to the floor
I want a man who is not afraid to tell me I am acting out of line, that I am irrational as he pours me a glass of red wine.
I want a man who exercises his body, his mind and his soul.
I want a man to love me unconditionally, as if God made us with the design that I was his and he was mine.
I want a man who is always honest with me,
      even when it hurts,
      even when I wish he had lied.
I want a man who is chivalrous to my mother, plays with my dog and helps my father do work in the yard.

I want a man who is charitable and kind.

I want a man I did not settle for because I was lonely and ‘he seemed nice’.

I want a man who reminds me I am never alone in this life, that each struggle is no longer just mine.


I want the man I am afraid I will never find.
MaryJane Rebel Nov 2012
Today
Looking through pictures of you
Epiphany struck me with the heavy force of a lovers fist

Leaving me was the greatest gift you ever gave me
In fact,
It was the only gift you ever gave me.

Lonely longing blinded me
to what only I could ever see…

You were never worthy to any part of me.

You took       so            so much
I continuously gave
My heart               empty              aches
Weighted by my misconceptions

Today
Looking through pictures of you
Seeing how I was replaced

Fictitious loveless exchange
Fraudulent friendship
Summers game.
MaryJane Rebel Sep 2012
I dream of you
A stranger with your face, like a mask, in front of mine
He has your strong jaw line, your brown eyes
Walks with your confident stride
But the emptiness I feel as he kisses me goodbye brings me to reality every time
A jolt like a ligatured body cascading to a halt…
A brutal surprise

Days do not pass, uneclipsed by need for rationalization
Teeter tottering from acceptance to dissent
Memories like worn film,
Played and replayed
Longing for the ending to change

I was crying in answer to subjugation  
Unable to watch your mouth move as it formed syllables
Strung eloquently into carefully chosen words
Ultimately to assert our relationships Goodbye
I held my breath as you lingered at my doorframe
Felt the warmth of tear stained salty lips once last occupying yours
I watched you drive away
I waited knowing your headlights would soon fade

I dream of you
Infinite minutes of fantasy or fallacy
Made to blur factuality  
Reverie in which no matter of the stories distortion
You stayed
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