I stare

Ice cold glass with condensation

dripping

dropping

ticking

tocking

time

The clock tilts at angles

My hands turn and flip

While I sip

My eyes bore into the land

Laid out before me

Like a beautiful woman

Her skin a callous brown

her plateaus and valley's

My lady, my land

I smile into my glass

The screen door slams shut

As they rush in

Knock over my table

Stand before me

Barrel staring me down

The war rages on my lady

The glass breaks

The hands stop

And I laugh

Pseudo-angst
For you know your problems aren’t real
You cannot validate them
No matter the pain they bring you
Your pain does not exist in the way
Pain exists for others
Regardless
There will come a point in time
Where you must confront and recognize your pain as real
When that day comes
Your pain will exist in the way everyone else’s does

The dragon is watching
Our treacherous journey
Each step taken side by side
I step left to dodge an arrow
You rush forward to stop it
Always taking my arrows for me
I didn’t think you would be the one
Remarkable friend you were
An unlikely candidate for love
It must’ve been destined from above
The dragon must’ve seen it
As he watches, but fails to swoop
There’s something here I know it
But I fear the consequences
I fear the end
It’s easy to believe love lasts forever
That it shines in the moonlight and stars, however
We know better than that my love
It flits like a hummingbird above
So I will cherish you, for as long as I can
Knowing you’ll take my arrows like a man
Regardless of my fears
The dragon is waiting

And I'd like to wish you
A Melancholy Christmas
Because this year isn't quite the same
You feel twinges of regret
As age fogs your brain

Think far too much
Enjoy the wonder of happiness
As it fades like the day
Night takes over

And Oh, sister
You bring me joy
While slipping me sorrow

And Oh, brother
I want to be angry
But my wishes for you overcome

My love, you wait
Unseen for now
Quiet, meek, darling
How I wish you the best

But like me, we join
In this Melancholy Christmas

The sorrow the night brings
The joy the night brings
Let us end this waiting game
When subconscious melt to dreams

May all turn out for the best
Please God, let it be for the best

And Oh, Sister
You are so dear and fragile
Behind that boulder fortress of yours

And Oh, Brother
May we be forgiven for our sins
May we make the best of this

So Santa, for this melancholy Christmas
I want one thing
Guidance
Happiness
Truth
And,
Love
In One

The stars hang higher than usual
Clear clairvoyant crisp skies
Many huddle in warmth, fearing these skies
Others revel in it
Reveal in it
We regress to child-like attitudes
Too stubborn to admit when it's cold
Challenging our bodies to be as they once were
And to fight back sleep; Sweet
Merciful sleep, as clear as night
As years travel this time of year stays
And wears our bodies to bone
While bringing melancholy joy of memories
As tangent as the cinnamon on the stove
Hot cocoa in the microwave
Family battles and sweet reunions
So let us stay in the cold a bit longer
Convince ourselves we aren't cold
Huddle under the night sky
And satellites
Beneath our memories
Beneath Winter Sky

That red ink
That scathe our papers
With apathetic marks of incorrection
Or brings out the tone
Merely if you had not
Bought me that pen
I wouldn't be stabbing myself
Over and over until I leak
While the blood it rushes
And the ink; it flows
Into each other
And spills onto my paper
While ideas form and shape
That's how you make red ink.

Life flutters by so quickly
Just yesterday I was that depressed girl

Look at me now
Look at me now

Life is far from perfect
And so am I
But it's such a waste of time
To be anything other

Then yourself

Life is far from perfect
But everything is right
Devine on my speakers
Appreciate all you have

Don't fill your life with
But leave it blank
Like a dusty notebook on the shelf
Life is simple, why change that?

Drugs, ***, and habits to fill
Just make life all the harder
So let go, just let go
I know I have

My friends are like drinks in my hand
The more I have serves my
Inebriation at their jubilation
Though I feel I can barely stand
I enjoy my night filled with all
Sorts of drinks
But in the morning I'll feel
Their clangings in my head

I could never figure out
What was wrong with me
Why wherever I went
No one could see

That there was a person inside
Who had traits other than quiet
Who was sweet, kind, and funny
With enough loyalty to start a riot

No matter what I do
Or how close I get
I suppose not even my friends
Will understand what I meant

When I said things too deep
Or even out of thin air
They don't get the mind inside
I might as well not even share

If your love is unending, why must you go?
If you care at all times, why with your friends does it not show?
When all comes to end, will you be there?
Or will you be far away, pretending that you care?
These are all thoughts, I have when I'm weak
When I feel so sorrowful, I can't even speak
Even so, at these times of pain
More so of me, is thinking about what you've been saying
How you'll always love me, and I believe it's true
For I too, would never leave you
For when you are here, my sadness goes away
When it's just me and you, you know just what to say
When I need you, in times that are rough
You are there to help, and that is enough
Sometimes it's hard to believe I have you
But talking with you, I know that's untrue
I have realized all the pain, sorrow, and guilt
Are worth every second that we have built
Of this love that we share, so full of purity
That is helps me get past these days of insecurity

Such a pointless dream I suppose
To wish upon the fallen stars
And expect that everything goes
Without scratches nor scars
But I guess that dream shall never be
Just as all the others once dared dream
All those days, I will never see
And down my face those tears they stream
But it doesn't matter, for it's my own fault
My doubts will scream back at my face
As they come to a screeching halt
And disappear without a *trace

How can you give me half your heart
And say you love me true?
Like every time you muttered
"Babe, I wanna marry you"
Is it a fools pride? Stubbornness?
Or were you really just a dunce
To even try to think
"Hey, I love two girls at once"

I thought you knew
I thought you cared
You said it'd last
Look how that faired

So I'm tired and asleep
My heart casts nightmares of the break
But I'll manage as I do
Since pain is always what I take

Please don't come looking for me
I'll find you if I have a need
Numbness is my new best friend
Thanks for a taste of the apathy seed

If you can't tell from this poem
My hearts in disarray
The rhythm's all ******* up
Beating every other day

Guilt, it lives inside us all
Strives, drives, lives in us
Growing, tangling, vines to conspire
Sickening, ***** up your feeling
Pepto-Emotional, there's no such thing
Always something eating you,
Swallowing you whole, until that whole is cleared
Right or wrong?
There's just so many questions....
Conscious springs alive
Engulfing your soul, life, eternity
Darkness, ******* you in
Just search for the light,
The darkness will leave
Renewed, amend, forgive
Such a harsh emotion, so confusing
But it lives, breathes, sleeps
Within Y O U

Alone, such a strange word
I feel as if, it screams at me
In the silence of my heart
As I sit, and hope, and dream
For someone to find me, in this alone
But it does not come, there is no help
No such thing, to never be alone
I can't handle it, I won't handle it
And yet....I must
No matter how I try, I'll always be
At some point of time, A L O N E
So what do I do, when this shadow reaches
And the depths of my heart screech
At the mere thought, feeling, touch of it
I don't know what to do, I'm scared
Embrace? Run? Hide? Stay?
These all run through my mind
I'm confused, and I stop
Once again, I'm alone, in the silence of my thoughts
What do I do? What do I do?
I must learn! I need to learn!
Otherwise, I'll be stuck in this darkness
confusion, hate, love, silence, fear
All alone.

I wish I had a way with words that spoke to people. I wish I could open my mouth and speak words of wisdom and clarity that didn’t come out like water and confusion. I wish I could feel without truly having to feel; to understand without ever having to experience. More than that I wish I could explain without feeling like I was giving excuses. I wish I could let myself breathe without feeling like I was giving myself a break.  It’s always to the next thing. I manage to procrastinate my time sure, but not without consistently feeling as if I should be doing something else. I wonder where that comes from. Which part of my brain rationalizes watching TV or surfing the internet. As if for more than a moment those things could be anything but counterproductive.  I wish I could understand my brain, but more than that I wish I could truly control it. Often times I feel as if it is just shooting ideas out of left field.  My brain is like a meteor shower, I’m always searching for a falling star, but in the end they’re all just falling rocks.

A Middle Eastern woman
Hides behind her curtains

Her beauty is mystery
Her slender legs like silk

Her eyes piercing and aware
Her feet so cautious, yet so precise

She takes a step forward to give you a glimpse
Then two more back as if to reverse the event itself

She moves her hands like smoke
She is beautiful

But once the incense disappears
Wisps away to leave clarity

All that is left is a woman
And truth

A woman that can hold secrets
Doesn’t always hold good ones

Her eyes whisper mystery
But only speak of sorrow

The truth behind woman’s beauty is not what people expect
It is ugly
Beauty is a ****
Whose grotesque depths are only revealed to those who wish to find them
I’ve seen beauty
For what she truly is
And I’m starting to disdain her
She creeps into my brain
Judging the world around me
I say
“That’s unfair beauty,
Who are you to say those things about this beautiful world?”
Yet she continues to pester
And fester
Beauty has her moments too
She recognizes things of grandeur
But in the end she is shallow
She, unwilling to accommodate anyone,
But herself

So much evil abounds within me
Only your presence scares my demons away
The darkness of my heart
Is healed within an instant
Only by your love Lord
My illness grows worse
I know not what ails me
But you do Lord
And you fill my needs
The sum of my darkness
The sum of the world’s evil
None of it compares to your greatness
If we had the words to describe your awesome power
The closest we could come is to call out your name
For all the words in all the languages
Could not put any string together as beautiful as God
Allah, oh Allah! Yahweh my Lord!
Our love is not good enough, but you accept it
You accept us my Lord with fault in tow
Your love unconditional, how brightly it shows

I want to write
I want to create, produce, and originate
I want freedom
To laugh and to cry
To use imagery in poetry
To draw, to muse, to inspire
I want to fail
To cry so ******* my knees I choke on all of my pain
I want to be challenged
And I want to learn
I want to sing and dance
To hum to myself in a large crowd
To want to hold hands
To make music that begs to be replayed a 37th time
I want to take pictures that make people understand beauty
And I want to draw the things I see in my head
I want to love, to feel, to hurt, to heal
But most of all
I want to write

In my sister’s shoes, I sit here talking
Waiting for the moment she’ll walk in balking
I’m no impersonator, no, no ventriloquist
I don’t pretend to be so
I won’t pretend to be so
I feel more like an actor thrown on stage
Without a script
I lost my ID card somewhere around here
I think someone ran off with it
Stealing identities
My friends keep calling me by the wrong name now
No matter how I try
My corrections are taped over with permanence
I wonder when they’ll realize
It takes people a while you know
They discriminate what they shouldn’t
Choosing words they like over words they don’t
I hear love
Well I said hate
How hard is it to understand?
Clearly written out to comprehend
Just listen for once, no, no
Not ‘your’ definition of listen
The real one
Maybe then you’ll see
But probably not