Alone, such a strange word
I feel as if, it screams at me
In the silence of my heart
As I sit, and hope, and dream
For someone to find me, in this alone
But it does not come, there is no help
No such thing, to never be alone
I can't handle it, I won't handle it
And yet....I must
No matter how I try, I'll always be
At some point of time, A L O N E
So what do I do, when this shadow reaches
And the depths of my heart screech
At the mere thought, feeling, touch of it
I don't know what to do, I'm scared
Embrace? Run? Hide? Stay?
These all run through my mind
I'm confused, and I stop
Once again, I'm alone, in the silence of my thoughts
What do I do? What do I do?
I must learn! I need to learn!
Otherwise, I'll be stuck in this darkness
confusion, hate, love, silence, fear
All alone.

I wish I had a way with words that spoke to people. I wish I could open my mouth and speak words of wisdom and clarity that didn’t come out like water and confusion. I wish I could feel without truly having to feel; to understand without ever having to experience. More than that I wish I could explain without feeling like I was giving excuses. I wish I could let myself breathe without feeling like I was giving myself a break.  It’s always to the next thing. I manage to procrastinate my time sure, but not without consistently feeling as if I should be doing something else. I wonder where that comes from. Which part of my brain rationalizes watching TV or surfing the internet. As if for more than a moment those things could be anything but counterproductive.  I wish I could understand my brain, but more than that I wish I could truly control it. Often times I feel as if it is just shooting ideas out of left field.  My brain is like a meteor shower, I’m always searching for a falling star, but in the end they’re all just falling rocks.

A Middle Eastern woman
Hides behind her curtains

Her beauty is mystery
Her slender legs like silk

Her eyes piercing and aware
Her feet so cautious, yet so precise

She takes a step forward to give you a glimpse
Then two more back as if to reverse the event itself

She moves her hands like smoke
She is beautiful

But once the incense disappears
Wisps away to leave clarity

All that is left is a woman
And truth

A woman that can hold secrets
Doesn’t always hold good ones

Her eyes whisper mystery
But only speak of sorrow

The truth behind woman’s beauty is not what people expect
It is ugly
Beauty is a ****
Whose grotesque depths are only revealed to those who wish to find them
I’ve seen beauty
For what she truly is
And I’m starting to disdain her
She creeps into my brain
Judging the world around me
I say
“That’s unfair beauty,
Who are you to say those things about this beautiful world?”
Yet she continues to pester
And fester
Beauty has her moments too
She recognizes things of grandeur
But in the end she is shallow
She, unwilling to accommodate anyone,
But herself

So much evil abounds within me
Only your presence scares my demons away
The darkness of my heart
Is healed within an instant
Only by your love Lord
My illness grows worse
I know not what ails me
But you do Lord
And you fill my needs
The sum of my darkness
The sum of the world’s evil
None of it compares to your greatness
If we had the words to describe your awesome power
The closest we could come is to call out your name
For all the words in all the languages
Could not put any string together as beautiful as God
Allah, oh Allah! Yahweh my Lord!
Our love is not good enough, but you accept it
You accept us my Lord with fault in tow
Your love unconditional, how brightly it shows

I want to write
I want to create, produce, and originate
I want freedom
To laugh and to cry
To use imagery in poetry
To draw, to muse, to inspire
I want to fail
To cry so ******* my knees I choke on all of my pain
I want to be challenged
And I want to learn
I want to sing and dance
To hum to myself in a large crowd
To want to hold hands
To make music that begs to be replayed a 37th time
I want to take pictures that make people understand beauty
And I want to draw the things I see in my head
I want to love, to feel, to hurt, to heal
But most of all
I want to write