My Mother, sobbing

In my bedroom asking me

Why I needed this

I think you

Wanted to forget so

Much

That you

Needed to

Forget yourself

And you cut

All those white lines

And spoke

All of those white lies

And I was too weak

To be your escape

And I think you

Would have sliced open your skin

And crushed your bones

To white powder

If you could

And I think I loved you

So much that

I would have too

I saw your house the other day

And someone told me

Do you know

That some of the richest

People live there

And I remember

Your bruises

That bloomed on

Your skin

When your dad was in town

Or the way your Mom

Came home late some nights

Wearing perfume

(To get groceries)

And how no one

Spoke of your older brother

But you always put flowers

On his grave

And I think

Some people are so poor

All they have is money

I hope you have more than that

I once

Closed my mouth

Long enough to see

All of my ribs

I waited to

See my hipbones

And then I waited

To see my collar bones

And I guess part of me waited

Just to know I was still there

I thought

We were going to ****

But it’s 2 AM

And you’re biting your lip

Telling me things

That you’ve never told anybody

And I’m telling you

All my awful secrets

And I feel ashamed

My breaths held back

And you’re eyes are shut

I bite my lip

Wishing I could take them back

But you open them

And look down at me

And I think that’s why I

Fell in love with 2 AM

You smiled because

You knew all my awful secrets

And you

Stayed anyway

My neighbors had a dog

Who loved

the little boy of the family

And would wait

Every day

For him to get back from school

And the little boy

Didn’t wake up one day

And even now

Years later I

Look outside my window

Pouring rain

Or blue skies

And see all the little kids

Get off the school bus

And that dog

Whose hair turned gray

Still waits

And you can call

But she won’t leave

Until the bus leaves

And I wish I could love something

Enough to

Wait forever

But I think

She loved that boy

So much

She forgot to love herself

I realized in

Church

Today

That

Even though you said you

Love(d)

Me

You are no martyr

And I shouldn’t

Have made you out to be

And you wouldn’t sacrifice

Yourself for anyone

Least of all me

I fumbled my hands

And listened

And I hung up

And I cried for a while

And a while

And a while

Thinking about you

And feeling

Sins pouring through

My eyes

And god that guilt

And how I

Love(d) you

And that fact

Almost kills me too

Some nights

I passed through

And it said 24 hours

And mine were running away from me

So I grabbed enough to make me forget

And I almost wanted someone to stop me

Handing them enough bills

And I walked out

And I walked to the corner

And tried to feel something

Until the bottles were empty

And so was I

You tell me

You don’t like changing

In the locker room

And pull your sleeves down

And I think

There’s more under

Your clothes

Then skin


You tell me

You find a

"Don’t jump" self help book

On your Mom’s bedside table

And you don’t say anything else

About it

But I hope you

Don’t jump either


You laugh

And say

You hate soup

So you don’t eat anything instead

And I think I know something

You hate more than soup


You bite your lip

And tell me I look nice

And I hope you know

I like you too

I exhaled

Smoke riding towards

The stars

My eyes red swollen

Tracing thousands of scars

And everything felt stolen

And my blood and pain covered me

In places you couldn’t see

My knees scratched

Feeling brokenly free

And I let my eyes

Become the ocean

I asked God for something

Broken from emotion

And I saw lights

That made me smile

Some nights

Breaking what I thought

Was unreliquishing darkness

Which I addictively sought

And God I swear

I tasted heaven

Smelt it in the air

The lights dimmed

And the beach tractors

Drove past me

But heaven went right through me

And even through that hell

I tasted heaven

And that kept me

Alive

Because I saw the light and I tasted heaven

When I was drowning in hell

I stood there

Blurred Blazed Blown

It was unusually cold

It bit

And goose bumps formed on

My ribs

Cracked Crossed Cold

Tank top

And I stood there

And you stood there

And we both tried not to care

And I guess you tried harder

But I wanted to say

I have nothing left to give you

You’ve taken everything away

But I bit my lip

And tried to say everything I couldn’t before

It wasn’t real and we both knew that

And you screamed and

I knew why

But my voice broke that night

And so did I