I fumbled my hands

And listened

And I hung up

And I cried for a while

And a while

And a while

Thinking about you

And feeling

Sins pouring through

My eyes

And god that guilt

And how I

Love(d) you

And that fact

Almost kills me too

Some nights

I passed through

And it said 24 hours

And mine were running away from me

So I grabbed enough to make me forget

And I almost wanted someone to stop me

Handing them enough bills

And I walked out

And I walked to the corner

And tried to feel something

Until the bottles were empty

And so was I

You tell me

You don’t like changing

In the locker room

And pull your sleeves down

And I think

There’s more under

Your clothes

Then skin


You tell me

You find a

"Don’t jump" self help book

On your Mom’s bedside table

And you don’t say anything else

About it

But I hope you

Don’t jump either


You laugh

And say

You hate soup

So you don’t eat anything instead

And I think I know something

You hate more than soup


You bite your lip

And tell me I look nice

And I hope you know

I like you too

I exhaled

Smoke riding towards

The stars

My eyes red swollen

Tracing thousands of scars

And everything felt stolen

And my blood and pain covered me

In places you couldn’t see

My knees scratched

Feeling brokenly free

And I let my eyes

Become the ocean

I asked God for something

Broken from emotion

And I saw lights

That made me smile

Some nights

Breaking what I thought

Was unreliquishing darkness

Which I addictively sought

And God I swear

I tasted heaven

Smelt it in the air

The lights dimmed

And the beach tractors

Drove past me

But heaven went right through me

And even through that hell

I tasted heaven

And that kept me

Alive

Because I saw the light and I tasted heaven

When I was drowning in hell

I stood there

Blurred Blazed Blown

It was unusually cold

It bit

And goose bumps formed on

My ribs

Cracked Crossed Cold

Tank top

And I stood there

And you stood there

And we both tried not to care

And I guess you tried harder

But I wanted to say

I have nothing left to give you

You’ve taken everything away

But I bit my lip

And tried to say everything I couldn’t before

It wasn’t real and we both knew that

And you screamed and

I knew why

But my voice broke that night

And so did I