Free fall sensation in the dark
invited dizzy dreams
spark singed skin

the last time I felt like I do when you touch me
I had stuck a necklace in an electrical socket
to try and figure out how the lights work
I thought I could take the energy
I thought by touching it I could understand

Except for that hurt, and you are the opposite of hurt on the same intensity
just with fingertips
except for I understand alternating current now but not this

You make me want to make sculptures
and bad jokes
you make me write but the words come out like dogs off the leash in the park

Next to you is the place where I fell asleep at the beach
and woke up warm and sun-washed
where my body felt like it belonged to me
and the waves had washed away the smell of wet cities and
old growth trees

Next to you is banana pancakes with strawberries
and silence is a round comfortable thing
like hobbit feet
like blanket forts
safe and temporary constructions
inventive nomadic shelters
lovely places to spend rainy days

You are like aloe-vera gel
and I've been forgetful and spent to much time in the sun
trying to breath in life but got hurt
but it doesn't feel raw when you slide over my skin
instead its tingly bits of mint and blue
like gypsy wind chimes and spicy food

How can fear be conquered?
I am scared
terrified to dance, sing, write, run, and create
I'm afraid to love
because in the massive shadow of the world I know the colors fade
Tangerine sunsets dry and tasteless when they pay by the hour
gentle hands flinch at the shouts
terror of strangers in the black, of mistakes, of pain and suffering
with such hate
hard hands hate faces lips curled
where does it all come from?
empty rage thirsting to be filled
How can I be in the midst of such insanity?
What if they see me
what if they find my soul while searching my eyes
catch the pools of aquamarine inside
strangle them into nothing but wet paint and a clock on the wall
red rivers down porcelain skin

How can it be a sin to be what you are?

What if I could seize this morning..
this moment where I ride my bicycle through the dawn and rising sun

crisp cool diving into spring water air
like jumping into new skin and every part of you can feel again
frost on the blades of verdant grass
frozen fire red leaves in the trees
line my path like lights on a empty runway

the world is ice and fire
and I live life with the contrast turned up
as I push faster through a moment in paradise
tired muscles broken body but I can almost go fast enough to catch the wind
I can kiss the dream I chase, I can brush it with my lips
the sweat makes it sweeter because I've earned the high
dizzy sweet rush and shadow dappled cracks blue turn path
faster and earth smells like a dream potential for something anything

What if I could give you this..

would you take it and put in in a bottle
shoot it up into your veins with the icy blue needles
push the pain away with rhapsody
spider webbing through your system and ebbing like fading stars on city skylines

Would you instead
drink it a tiny bit at a time
inoculate yourself from the horror and the red ripped raw black hole in the world
feed it to the nothing like an answer to the pull of gravity that never stops
the scream of anger and pain you always feel in the box where you shoved it down with
empty words
and fatal flaws
a drip of morphine
in the bright darkness of space

Could you build it into your soul
that broken patched up smashed shining tattered crystal
spin up this perfect fall day and make it part of your tapestry
a place upon your maps and pages that stays the same like a lake of serenity
where you can find solace
peace

can you be a place with no ceiling
only endless sky blue purple stars
can you be an ocean without end
with unfathomable depths and monsters down into the red hell deep
like I have become

Can you see me as I am
a nothing something without end
a stream of thoughts on a cold fall day
could you be an answer to the silence?
if I could give you this moment...

Witness all the little things in life I can't seem to find..
I asked for your story because I wanted to feel your pain
to understand
So I found you, there in your post apocalyptic paradise
As you wrote the words to me slowly shedding light on the nature of your place
Lost between the words whispered from the lips of your so called dream..
Your puzzle to me summed up in the sentence
I'm not her
Its too late to ask you out with a stegosaurus card
My mom wont make you spaghetti
I don't have a soccer team you can guest play on, I cant meet you at a picnic
Compared to what you had I'm a shadow
And thats all you'll ever let me be
And I thought I could hear it, the nature of your inability to care for me...
but now it sits on my shoulder
Sometimes shifting its talons
I cry because you don't see me
And all the things I have done for you seem like nothing when I look at them through your eyes
But they were everything to me
each little offering offering of affection given to make you smile
every endeavor to make you happy
turned back and given to me as thorns
but you don't care
you are very sorry you say, but you just don't care
you can't
and the worst part is I understand now..
I can see how she's better in every way
except for that she left you all alone
So I can't fix you, I can't patch up the pieces she tore out on her way out the door
I can talk to you, I can be there, but
I can't make you see her any other way
I'm just nothing to you.. after all this time
You'll never talk about me like I'm a goddess.. you'll never look at me that way
and it hurts

secrets sigh all night
tigers slide into the sun
dappled shadows in between
memories of forests more real than they were living
death is a concept of linear minds
thoughts traverse a limitless space
sensations of touch on a cloudy day as real as the moment we first saw them
filed them away
pull them out again another day
emptiness is the space between the bell where the melody begins
ripples, build like a song
and a dance
the music tugs a string inside us, we call it a soul
a need
a desire
feel the notes like rushes of the wind on a chilly fall day
like touches of the tips of fingers in the dark
of lips on the soft
cold skin on the back
of the hand of the lost
in the sea we can drift and we can feel the current blow
underwater weather rages like the storms above and we can
be

So I watched the dolphins jumping in the bow wave..
And there was no other way to say at it, they were playing
There is no reason to spend the energy needed to swim faster than our boat, or jump above the waves
But they do it
Creatures of the surf and current, but they must feel the same joy
What else could inspire them so? We're not so different.
Our brains have similar structures
All of us are ghosts in our shells, or are our shells what gave rise to the ghosts?
Are we even that much?
Mechanisms driven by chemical, physical, and electrical reactions
Life as an equation, playing out its course on a vast scale
Cells multiply and divide according to fluid mechanics at the earliest stages in development
They arrange themselves as dictated by protein sequences forming
Bodies which are microcosms, ecosystems within ecosystems
See the tortoise with the world atop its back
We are wind dancers on the beach  
Wave swimmers of the sea
Sun takers of the earth
See the earth as a cell
Alive and pulsing at the fringes and from within
Time unfurls before us as the night sky
And we are driven by the forces around us to exist
to fall, break, feel, let go, run through the rain and... be
Laughter, art, math, music, dance, and everything else are ways of making life more bearable
Ways of playing with the world, arranging shapes and sounds and ideas into interesting new patterns
Dancing in the bow wave
But what are we really playing at, and why?
I think we play at being infinite
and infinity plays at being us

Can you hear me?
I whisper
the brush of wind on a microphone
touch
goose bump tickles on the edge of your ear
ripples of alternating heat and chill
raised up static like the pensive in a gathering storm
dew wet grass like the sweetest taste of water
from your lips
senses blur together
I'm alone in a field
night vision turns all things to living silver
the grass in the moonlight just like water in the wind
that stars ring like bells
they are being wrapped in the coming fog bank
ethereal gossamer swirls
white silk sheets and black velvet
Naked I don't feel the cold
I feel alive
I want to run and fight and feel
trip the circuit in my brain and your teeth in my neck awake the vivid memory
red skin on skin kiss you so hard you don't end, I don't begin
twisting with passion and then
this cool rain misting from the fog
this opposite
just as wonderfully vivid
just as vital
I want to make you feel
I want you to see the sunset set fire to the horizon and
I want you to feel on fire for the sky
I want you to feel my touch and feel like passion leaves you no choice but to pull me closer
Can't you hear me.. you are so faint
Hiding in your flat world
Its nothing
Its drinking yourself into a ******* stupor
its pretending you aren't alive
aren't an animal
you are afraid to feel and fear and be free
where are the mountain tops
where are the volcanoes
where have you hidden your abyss?
We are no more than wolves in the wilderness pretending to be dogs
There's nothing to fear in death
in the unknown
in anything
Why can't you see with eyes unclouded?

Simple soft songs
hum the rhythms
summer evenings, steel blue skies
soft pink the skin of honey blossoms in the wind
lily white throats curve to catch

Warm feet bare to the earth
Sink in the mud
Run
Spin with the wind the heavy curtains of rain
hide the soft green shoots of grass
obscure all things past to mist and cool water

Wash away sharp city skylines
replace them with lush curves
Scrub the touch of vengeance and mercy
leave only the lightning, and the taste of rain filled air
Flickers of florescent lights like purple paints
every small pain soaked up like a sponge
seeps from skin I had thought broken
bruised against the rocks cut against the teeth
now healed
soft golden glistens the sunset through the storm off of
blue veins like vines
silver echoes

Leaving only the rain
and the eyes in the dark
the hymn of those set free

Passion  hot like fire
Life is the razors edge and the dance to keep it
skin close beyond skin
Into blood and flesh and red inside
rivulets in streams down my face and the curves of my *******
your eyes don't translate
and I scream, I cry
you don't hear me darling
my love my beautiful fantasy made flesh
killer of dreams when your eyes
turn away from me
because I ******* swear a moment ago we were somewhere else
life wasn't ****** over and things shined from the inside
strings cut dead puppets slump and dangle into space and its
the close of my fingers over nothing in the dark
it's the nothing
it's the void
it's the screams and the hatred and the blindness reflected
in your eyes once so green now bruised up from the inside
from the dead side and the rip tide
I want to drown myself at sea
because the waves never stop crashing and they never let me down but to drag me
deep down into the cold that I can feel as vivid as the fire
the fire I felt in you once felt but you don't feel it now
you never ******* did, did you?
was it ever real?
I built a world around me and I let you in, didn't I?
Play a leading role in the cabaret, dance and make the world ok
because everything is fighting with itself and threes nothing I can do
so yes
pretend
toss me in the waves
let the rocks hit me and drown away the screams of the voices in my head with the roar of the titans in the current of the sea
for never can I find what was never going to be
never again can I believe in that dammed spark I saw in you
I saw that spark die and when you looked at me there was nothing but sorrow
and over the vibrant forest I once envisioned in your depths and the sheltering dreams I once cultivated
into canopies and rich jungles
there have grown not just clouds, but death
and the death is grey and it suffocates me through the memory
of seeing it when you stood in the doorway of my room
and I gave you back your things because they made me cry
so as not to let you see me cry I slammed the door.
But my love my darling, my aching heart and soul
would that you could feel
feel me as you once did in the dark of the night when there was trust in between us and nothing else
bare skin on the sheets and Goosebumps in the dark
I knew your every outline
every whisper in the dark
I want to scream
and howl
and cry
and shake with the fury of the fundamental brokenness of the ****** up world
because I let you in
I let you seem my diamonds in the dew drops, my sparkling canopies through verdant leaves and the warm flutter of a heart beating through the night as it runs and its soft and beautiful and hard and terrifying
and yet it became so broken
smash it with a baseball bat
me and you and we stumbled around through the dark
and we said things we didn't mean
and we let the whispers of other people change what we thought to say
those who never went where we were
and I don't know what happened
it was like that one surprisingly quick and painful moment when everything goes to hell in a blink
I open my eyes
and I'm left wondering how it all got ****** so fast
like a car crash
and waking up after in the emergency room
and darling I still do love you
I could say it still from the depths of my lungs
and scrape it out with a spoon like the pumpkins on Halloween and choke it up with the pain
But you can't because you left me
And I broke my promise never to give up on you
I told myself I was a fool
and that ******* someone cant mean that much if you could break me so
My darling;
you broke my world when you said goodbye
and I don't need you, or need you to need me
But I miss the feeling of seeing your smile, and hearing your particular laugh
I catch myself wanting to share things with you
I miss your eyes and perhaps I am a fool
but I could swear I once saw them as an oasis
I miss the way you smell
and they way we had our inside jokes and
most of all
I miss the dreams we never got
and I sit and cry
wracked, red raw, broken and completely illogical
curved spine in the shower face down
and the water plinks off my shoulder blades
fingertips on the still cool tiles
I shake with the sobs I can't drown
I mourn you
But darling it's not your fault for making me cry
it's not your fault
It's my fault
Because I never could forgive you
And I never could trust you to love me
Not after the first time you left
But I loved you anyways and I was so selfish
I would not accept the love you gave me back
so now I am once more alone
and I cry because I failed you
I failed myself
And that is the truth
My darling, my heart, my everything..
my nothing at all anymore.
Without you my skies are less blue.
I'm so sorry.
At least you'll probably never know my pain.

salt on my lips
I catch sunlight on my fingertips
pain is a spark
a shark, living on flesh and bone
heartbeat of the waves washes me away
don't want to stay
a roar of sensation
and then a silence
beautiful and terrible as the starry night sky in the bitter cold
I'll find shelter down below

Bodies cross the floor in the train station late at night
life is a spark
contained in the quirks and stories
of the passers by
their laughter, their pain, their corruption and beauty
all the words left unspoken like another world
shadows on the impressions of everyday sun and star shine
footprints on snowy days
Does no one else feel the world so keenly
So strongly as to find the perfect sunrise, a dance, rain and lights on the highways,
crossing boundaries into the passion of a lover's arms
Has no one else made my choice to feel the blistering pain as well as the ecstasy highs
..the ones that exist in the vicious winter's night, the crystal beauty of snowflakes,
touches of fingertips, whispers in the dark, its a cocktail of the senses, a drug of the truly living
I see the world in another way where the shadows dance the tune to idle day dreams
the trains contain the lost wandering souls of the lost by choice and the lonely mutes of passion
I keep calling...
There's this howl like the wind on the high mountains
its stuck inside my chest and I can't voice it
like a note of a song that gives me shivers I can't sing
stripped naked in the rain

Why can't you look at me that way..
where the rest of the world just stops
the way where your lips just curve up a bit to see me

Day dream days, nothing seems real or substantial
just haze, cars on the highways
I'll say nothing so as not to string myself along
I'll mean nothing to anyone so as not to matter when I'm gone

Internal torment, brief tornadoes of emotion
fragments of thought and memory
what if I was somewhere else

all I ever wanted was to belong somewhere right
there are no right places for me
no arms that can hold without becoming prisons

No soul I can love without being burned by

Outstretched hand, fingers like broken glass
cut free what I want to keep by holding it closer
and slice then into me instead

Is it too much to ask for, to hope for..
my dreams impossible harbors
they seem so simple
in the space between sleep and waking

At the picnic table
the sunshine makes everything perfectly warm
solar powered lit from within
I just want to be held, and I am
its real in the moment but not when I open my eyes

I'm just cold, and you haven't called. You are never going to show up at my door and ask for me..

******* smile crooked syntax
twisted fingers
Broken bones with splintered ends
but where they stopped grew empty friends
broken people, battered souls,
rotting dreams in empty holes
ice cold screams crawl up
and tear
dead flesh on the edge of the freeway
those lost by the wayside
They lay under broken streetlights, flickering neon crosses
rictus smiles
canvassed eyes
late night ships that dont touch the water as they sail by
I can't fix them
they wont sew together, they cannot heal
can't be reforged like broken steel
but I can't hide
although I've tried
the jagged edges of the world

Lost song so long
In between walls and over top mountains
Happy when you're free
Happy but not me
Courage that tempts you to reach out and take her
hand by the tips of fingers which
could play the piano and curve about saxophones
if only you let
them
touch
Pretty words from the annexes of the libraries
stand up at attention in the main hallways of mind
when you see her face and you wander
through the rooms where you paint her naked on the
floor
holding the pages of the dreams you wrote for her
Speak a sentence and you feel your lips move
make the words of the sound but
there's no touching the ground
And images unbidden of the stories you tell yourself don't flicker but flare
the licks of the campfire redder than rose on her skin
the piano in the main room of your seaside apartment
the echoes of the music that hold my soul like the hands of a lover
better than any lover could
The grey sky is noticed and rain falls above us
stalled still in the headlights of cars  like they don't know
And time doesn't know us
But oh, the places it shows us
And in and out of time in the backrooms of my mind
Never shall I live the thousand dreams I dream
But if I could have just one..

Our ring sits on a shelf in the back of my closet
It hasn't moved or stirred since I set it there, arranging all my old things in my new place
Of course not, but it still seems to draw my thoughts like a skull in the corner
Like knuckle bones knocking on a door I bricked shut when you left without saying goodbye
After three years
The circle of smooth skin on my finger has almost faded away, the callous it left on my palm is gone
We picked it out together..
It's smooth titanium surface shines brightly, silver blue, without a scratch, and it is now cold
As cold as you were to me, my Once Love, my knight in shining armor, my dream made stone and ice.
I tried to throw our ring away, but the thought of it living forever in garbage would haunt me
the piles of things no one wanted pressing it down..
I tried to break our ring to pieces, but the pieces would linger just the same, like a mutilated corpse
I couldn't give it away, I could't bear the thought of throwing it into the sea
just to have it sink to the black, frigid depths, tinged with green and decay
It's already so cold..
I used to twist the ring around my finger
when I was afraid, or nervous, or just to comfort myself
it was warm, and it was like you were there, in a silly way
now I reach for the ring
its not there
and my foot misses a step in the dark
I fall down again
and remember our ring, with its cold surface, sitting on my shelf
it should mean nothing now, but it doesn't

Madly
in my silence
The rush of knowing before the spoken thought
the act of placing the moment in between my words
changes it
its not the same, because time is fluid, memories are mercuric
seconds are of infinite depth
but the words just can't sing that
the meaning behind the world
the loneliness
a wolfs howl that strains against my lungs in the supermarket
the tear the sits behind my eyes on the train
the caged something inside me that drives me to find some way to set it free
it wants to dance
on the currents in the wind in the trees that roar when they shake but the sound is small
when its up against the stars
There are no vibrations on the air, in the light, in the nothing
that can set my something free
yet still it screams inside of me
it laughs with unadultured elation
and cries with horrible soul shattering convulsions
it moans with passion at the touch of fingertips on my back, at the turn of lips not mine
it wonders at tiny crystal snowflakes, and streetlights, and insects trapped in amber
and defiantly drags my hand
once more
across this page

Like scattered seabirds,
my thoughts flew.
Got so lost in the ever blue
that sky and sea and visions blurred.
I felt a deeper truth was stirred.
White sail-boats strung along coast lines,
like denizens of foam, and brine.
The mist grey waves of precious lace,
conspiring to hide one place.
What if every when, is where;
every time we stop
and stare?

Midnight train through the foggy night
condensation on the windows drips down blue outlines
muted shapes of cities pass by
windowsills, rain gutters, empty churches
the mist as waves on an ocean only we could see
and the tracks sailing over ghostly surf
She was looking out ahead and the radiance from the street lights caressed her cheek
rhythmically
pause, brush of warmth, pause, then again
casting shadows over lips that curved as if to whisper
roses
into eyes that see a dream
which momentarily lit up green
and then shadow
then green
she was walking out the door
feet that barely touch the ground
like a dancer
like nothing I could ever touch
In a black jacket and blue jeans

There I was a wandering
on a long and lonesome day
And I thought to myself
Where is the love I seek?
I've sought it high, and sought it low..
But never have I seen..
And then a stranger passing by
did throw a rose to me
For you, they said
this simple gift
to show you that out there
are people just like us you see
who need a some love and care
in the silence that passed with them
I finally found the truth
The love we seek is ours to give
my mirror held my find
for to give a word
to be so kind
costs nothing but your time
to give a smile
is something anyone can do
why hoard your cares
why shutter your affection
we board the doors to our souls
for fear of being burned
and then pine our loss of sunshine
Love is free

I guess it takes a long time to heal
more than I had thought before
and dreams are less distant island destinations
than they are
sailboats
which take me across the waves
in the comforting arms of a lover
with the imagined light of candles on her skin..
she moves in
shadows of reality where she never left

You've left pieces of me all around
shrapnel in a desert was a jungle, was a war
and you've left the ****** reminders of the time I wasted
in the scars
in the pictures on my phone, in the places on my bookmarks bar
in the taste of ice cream
your phone number I can't forget, no matter how drunk I get
in the clothes I wear, the toothpaste, the shower, the hallways
the shoes on my feet, the taste of defeat, the sense of a kiss, everything
the ******* walls
like ****** hand prints only I can see
Its maddening, it deafening,
And its deafening because of the silence in the part of me that you finally managed to ****
just like you said
The blood on the walls doesn't bother me
but for the fact that it reminds me of what your name used to be
but for the fact that I cant scrub the memories like I did the emotions
they've sunk into the plaster, the pathways in my mind
that I don't ever want to find
and I am nothing
I know nothing, I want nothing, I just experience life like a leaf on the wind
I need the roar of storms, the press of the white water current to my ear drums
as I fall under the water
the waves
I am rocked by forces I can't control and I am a ship lost at sea and
the fact comforts me
In this cradle
I am free

Cold autumn day, smells of firewood in the air,
Little diamond snowflakes sparkle down to the earth.
As they land they wink out of existence as if they never were.
Crystal spires on a micro scale lost to the heat of the moment.
I watch the tops of my tennis shoes as I walk towards the field.
They drift in and out of my vision
with their scuffed toes and red dusted fabric.
Side walk cracks are too far apart for a decent rhythm but
the sky is a painting.
People don't look up enough to see.
Grey steel and blue forges work on the masterpieces
meant to fade into your fingertips
in an ocean up above.

Will some one please
Reach into my chest and
fill the empty space with hands
I'm so tired of feeling the gap
the disconnect on the phone line
the closed door
the bruised body
the gut wrenching sobs and you look away
I'm so tired of the scars that line the insides of my mouth
and crisscross my hands
that stretch when I try to speak
I don't want to want you to suffer like me
but I do
Will someone please catch me
I'm so tired of falling
failing
and I don't want to fight anymore

fingertips
lips
warmth
Valhalla on the other side of a molecule
when they say the world spins
they mean your thoughts do
when they stop, you are in another world
like a dream
a lifetime in the space of moments
complete and whole on its own
we find comfort in touch
and hope that there will be an answer

The greatest thing I ever did for me
was forgive myself
for being human

for being weak
and wrong
and scared

my monsters
fear, apathy, and self doubt
never left

I just accepted them
like accepting the pain of a wound
as part of your body

and your body as an integrated portion
of your mind
a hand an extension of your soul

So I take the broken parts of myself
and build around them
like a garden growing over

I saw her across the street, blonde hair,
bronze summer skin long legs
she wore her crooked glasses and her smile
A black jacket and blue jeans
ripped at the knees by natural causes
Some people just glow in any weather,
I think that when the sunshine gets spilled on them they never let it go.
long fingers
hold science fiction books like stray puppies
When she speaks
Her hands move with a life of their own, they spin worlds
like grandmothers spin tapestries,
she takes the fabric of the time she passes through and makes it a masterpiece.
In my mind she is a time traveler
She's a 1920's jazz singer, a wartime hero, a ballroom dancer, an astronaut
She believes in a better world and she is it
see it in her eyes
Cherry jubilee ice-cream in her hand offered to me
I can't help but grin.
Instinctual reaction, like you squint your eyes in a spotlight.

I'm sad because she'll never see me
how I see her
as sunshine
I can't hold her but
I don't know how to let her go

Walking around town together
Musician on the park bench
notes of an acoustic guitar
beads of water on her skin
and the wind kicks up,
the snowflakes don't settle
but dance
like dust motes who found salvation.
Minarets who touch the music we can't hear
speak it through a motion and a whisper
brush across the pavement and the leaves
I feel them touch me
body and soul
I
maybe, just for a moment am the wind.
Gale in from the Pacific,
race over the green valleys,
batter the blue tinged purple mountains of the west,
through the golden motes and sunbeams of late evening
caress shivering aspens and high mountain pines
All the way until I reach my outstretched fingers,
and slip right through.
Much like you, my darling.

Revenant of my mind
Lurking in the rotten hollows etched in my memory of a rainy day
Tripwire strung through my subconscious
The taste of coffee in my mouth
Warmth in my hands,
white steam and cold air.
You rise from the dead
turn it to ash
howl into the void
claw with dead broken fingers
as I suffocate the though of you
and take another sip

hot salty teardrops
your red raw lips barely trace
waking flesh in stone

unspoken soft words
die upon hot breath exhaled
ghosting chill air fogs

wind in twisted pines
alone yet free soft whispers
carry me away

alone..



alone...




ALONE....

Love is the greatest thief
slinking away with more than I thought I could give
just a little more, like the tides pulling me out to sea
hard around my feet and so cold it burns my skin but I dive in
because I want to let it go, and take the current that tears at my soul
**** it down into some form of solidness
I want to tear open my chest and present my still beating heart to you
make you see it and look at it, taste it while I hold you down
this is me
this is what I want you to beg for while I'm ******* you hard into the sheets
this is the blood and bones and bits and pieces where I exist
and sometimes I don't feel real
I don't feel like anything can touch me besides the space I feel around me and I need to see the world change where I intersect
no matter the strength in my hands I can't grip you or move your face an inch
all the rage and the pain of wanting to make you shiver beneath my fingertips
twisted like a knife hot in the center of my chest
but I'd rather shove it deeper than be so alone
I'd rather twist it and hear you tell me about all the things you know can hurt me and dig in deep like shrapnel
with a smile on your face
I guess human beings are not built to withstand the vacuum of space and I am no exception
Suffocated with the words I feel but cannot speak because when I say them
you hear them without the conviction
you hear them as a game, as a come on
they are a crazy need to feel anything so deeply
beyond all my scars and wisdom, I want you to steal from me and give me more than you thought you were going to give while you catch me with little hooks in my lips
pulling away while you kiss me
letting me tell myself stories about how any of this means something at all
besides empty souls stumbling through the darkness

Darling
If I could
I'd tell you a secret
which is
I never stopped loving you
but you're gone
and that's good
because you need to be
some people just aren't good for other people
and we wore our tracks of sadness into the carpet like marks
from constant pacing in fear
what if he doesn't really love me..
I don't deserve this love..
I'll never tell you, dear.
Because I've found that often times love is harder to accept than it is to give
giving love is like giving flowers
but taking love is like trusting someone to catch you when you fall
all the love we give and all the love we take
It turns out, in the end, you were a sort of poison for me
slow burning
quiet sulking
at times feeling like nothing at all
but you were also a joy
you were a delight and a warmth in my darkest night of the soul
you were, despite what you lacked, my knight in shining armor
you were, my passion, my desire, my naked summer nights
for a time
before you became my thorn covered castle
my love who broke my outstretched fingers..
But love, I was more the fool.. like a child, I did not know..
I caught a colorful bird and held onto it so tightly, fearing it would never come back to me should I fail to keep it clutched tight.
I was wrong
I broke your feathers, I hurt your little wings for all I tried to nurture them, and you in turn turned against the flesh of my hands..
I should have set you free the first time you see
because every time I ever said I needed you was a lie to myself
and to you
I needed you to teach me that I did not need you
and you did
and even though now, you are a thousand miles away
sleeping in some other bed
writing me at times to tell me what a mistake it is you left
I'm glad you are free now
and I'll never let you come back, because it wasn't fair to anyone
I know that to love is ever to brush the tips of your fingertips across a bird in flight
watch it soar
to stare in amazement as such beauty wheels through a diamond sky
and alights upon my wrist
heavier than I would believe for such an airy being
with such talons as to rend the heart from my chest..
free yet choosing to reach for me

I'm a sucker for sensation and I guess that you are too
Out at the world's end one can sit and stare across the sea
I imagine a great metropolis across the waves
the red silver blue lines from the lights paint the waves
Across the sea where we'd be looking back at ourselves now
where people are like wrist watches and
we watch the time for no other reason than that it is what we do
and the thing that would call the moment to the mind
would be the wisp of steam rising
from the green tea in my hand
smells of mint and glazed ozone
would be the sigh of the wind breathing
with smells of salt and spring flowers
like the full body stretch waking up from deep sleep'the tree limbs
pops and crackles of sea side earthen joints realigned
to face the clouded sky
blankets hung high the yet shine underneath
reflected incandescent bulbs burn the orange blue haze
trace the mist like a lazy spotlight
and falls on your hand where the chill simply lingers like it always was
on the other side of my cup of tea
on the lips of the person next to you
lingering only to be chased away
and fall back into the night

Tonight, I write
like I am on my knees again, begging..
Even though I swore I'd never do that again
Because its never enough
I feel hands on my skin
holding me like a statue, like I was something unchanging
fragile
I wish they would just rip it off
the skin that holds me together
and keeps me prisoner
and maybe that would be enough
reach into my chest and caress my heart still beating
tonight I'm begging anyone who can really hear me at all
to somehow give it back to me
With more than just a touch...
because the words don't let me go anymore
they flutter away like raindrops
no one gives them back..

"Is it easier to write poems about sadness?"  
Yes and no.
It's easy enough to let out insanity in a wolf pack of words racing across the page. It's easy to be sad, to write yourself off a cliff or into a void.
It's hard to have the courage to own that emotion and move past it.
It's hard to catch a moment of unspeakable beauty without it crumbling, like capturing a butterfly with your bare hands. It's hard to find them and embrace them you have to seek them out, but I think in the long run they are better for you.
At my lowest low I could never have imagined the joy my life could one day find, but I'm glad I waited.

There is a softness to silence
like the edges of water meeting air
when you find it
you slip in
cool lakes of stillness
Silence is a wall when you hit it hard
like ice punching your stomach
when you land wrong off the high dive
and sink
rising bubbles  
thoughts
tickle up your lips and rise into fields of lower pressure
In the space
where the cool rush of blood pounds the drum
like rock slides or avalanches that turn as the seasons do
to feel is a comfort from the still
as a touch seems something from nothing
such fire
such desire
is not captured
in any reality

I write these words
and my fingers feel like they are clinging to the edge of time
as though they clutch a cliff
dead falls in my conscience stretch out for days
all the moments become lost..
I'm drifting in my silent sea
building memories from the sunlight
it strikes me that terror springs from the mind
unknown phantom of the dark
cunning specter of a wild howl
right outside my window
the hunger
How uniquely human
how insane and nonsensical it curls through the darkness
in which I am afraid to look in the mirror
In my dreams my lover  stands naked in the doorway
does not love me
but instead echoes my heart
the words I never say
she says
I'm so tired
sometimes I feel like nothing but a leaf on the wind
blown about and battered
sometimes I feel nothing
I'm so used to drinking poison I don't believe it when I taste honey
and the sweetness still stings
I fear that I can no longer accept truth without finding it's pain

Speaking the words I use to net the tide of my emotions
The break on contact with the air,
Embers into ash
almost as the sounds cross
the tip of my tongue
and melt like snowflakes on your eyelashes
I want to tell you of a fire I can't feel when your lips touch mine
of a hunger that makes me crazy and driven and alive with need
it'as imagined and as real as any dream
I want to tell you I'm afraid of falling
but it's not the physical kind
I'm terrified that one day I'll lose contact
I'll reach out and to touch someone but I won't feel it
I'll hug someone so tight but it's useless
I'm the one who is gone
Do you ever feel terrible pain
sickening and twisting inside of you
I do
I pick it up and I **** it down and wrap it all around me
I let it burn into my skin like the teeth of a lover
eating little hole in me until I put it away
back into the box in the corner of my mind
If I can't have fire I want blood
my blood
filling in the cracks of my teeth and coating my lips
iron feels so tangible in every sense given
I want to feel more than skin pressed against me
but my sould can't leave my flesh
I want to chase something more than a lie
but everything I catch turns to dust in my hands

Alone, I write the things I should have said to you
Because my throat feels like the precipice of a waterfall
And what traverses my lips will fall
Spiraling off into the rivers and the sea
The words which hung like swirling pools holding plants and small fish
given inertia
would tumble out away from control of myself
and I might tell you the whole truth
you might learn that I loved you
not for any purpose or reason
any more than the reason things from high places fall down
because of the way
that love is to me
a feeling
and you inspire me
to dream of fantastic things
and in you there is a spring of hope
I fear to lose you to the unstoppable motions of the truth
so often I find that dreams are just so
stories