I am chaos and pain and I hurt those around me
I am questions asked in the dead of night when everyone else is heavy with sleep but my brain is still bright and wandering
I am the scars of my past and the danger of my future
I am silence
I am the broken heart and the hurt mind
I am loneliness
I am the clouds the cover the bright shine of the moon
And when my head fills with white noise and static and all I can think about is death
**I am disaster

She died on a Sunday morning at 6
Her parents at church on their knees praying to a god that doesn't exist
And as they took up the offerings she took up a gun
And as the preacher  said god will never give you more then you can take
She held a gun to her head and thought of the hate
The voices
The screaming
The ones she thought she could trust
And as the preacher said let us pray
She said one last good bye and glanced at her note
And as her parents left the church for their car
She pulled the trigger and thought about how her parents will come home to find their daughter dead.

Have you ever just sat and thought?
I tend to over think a lot. Or at least that's what my mom tells me.
I don't call it over thinking
I call it a realization. A realization of the mechanics of society, the world, everything.
A realization that while everyone goes on with their dull, ordinary, mundane lives there are people out there dying, missing, or lost.
People who are hurt, beaten by the ones that are supposed to love them,
People who have never seen a book in their life and likely never will.
People who can't read or write.
People who can't even remember when their last meal was, or when their next will be.
Those who are sold like property.  Those who are owned. And yet here we are, doing nothing.
Talking about how long the drive to see your mom was.
Or how your friend was rude
Like I said realization. But it's the truth. But the truth hurts doesn't it?
So everyone would rather give it cute name, put it in a pretty box and set it on a neat little self away from daily life.
You donate money to the charities of course
For the cause
Five? Ten? Twenty?  Put in a neat little white envelope and sent in
For the cause.
Then what?
You go back to your life, of course
And try hide from the fact that people are dying or starving or hurt.
While you talk about, what kinda of shoes someone wore.
But none of that really matters.
Some people like to hide from reality in different things.
For some it's books, movies, drugs, music, others bury themselves into work or family until they can't hear the cries of the starving boy, and the beaten little girl.
Others hear them But the ignore them
  Like selective hearing or a light switch
Drown them out with complaints and the humdrum of everyday life while another little boy is shot and another little girl is sold.
Talk about school, homework, and boys
To try and drown out the fact that we aren't doing anything to help.
That we are letting this happen, and we are a bystander to this.
To drown out the fact that while the girl dies and the boy is sold that we are sitting around.
Doing nothing.
Or maybe it's just me?
Maybe no one else thinks about the bleeding little boy and the crying girl.
And if you don't then I hope that this is your realization.

A smile for each cut
Its getting bad but i won't let you see
You know i'm slowly dying
But i smile
Out of sight
Out of mind
I'll be perfectly fine
When i'm six feet under ground

My darlings pull your sleeves down
No one has to know
With all the pain you’ve gone through
Your scars don’t have to show
With cuts and scratches and tears
You death is nearly here
Blood stained towels cover the floor
Everyone’s hoping you’ll walk out the door
Throw up honey you’re to fat
Blame your cuts on the cat
Sliding a blade across your skin
Getting sick to be thin

Blood is nice, razors are fun
A couple more cuts and I’ll finally be done
Through all the tears, and the pain my white towel, is stained blood red
But now the bullet is picked, I put the gun to my head pull the trigger, I’m finally dead

They pull their
Sleeves down over their wrist so that their scars won’t be seen and they wear sweatshirts three sizes too big so no one will see how “fat” they are while their ribs cast hollow,  shadows on the near transparency of their skin and they hid behind lots of dark eyeliner and masses of cover up for their biggest fear is to be seen as different or weird or troubled or crazy because then people will notice their problems and that’s not what they want

“**** yourself” they said
So she did

What is more deadly?
A gun or a thought
A gun gives you the opportunity
But the thought pulls the trigger

We cut and **** flowers because we think they’re beautiful
We cut and **** ourselves because we think we are not

She wakes up too early
Then does her hair
She doesn’t have breakfast
She doesn’t care
Puts on her make up
She doesn’t like her face
Puts on her smile
She’s still out of place
But inside she’s dying
She’s unbearably insecure
Slashes at her wrist
The pain helps reassure
Blood seeps out
Scarlet and deep
Her breath is shuddering
She doesn’t ever eat
But no one notices
Anything wrong
So she keeps on going
Until she’s gone

One cut
Two cuts
Three cuts
Four always desperate for one slash more.
Five pills, six pills, seven, now eight
Some meant for sleep
Some made to lose weight
One eye closes
The other to follow
Hoping this time it’ll work
Her breath becomes hollow
She drops to the floor
As her hands uncurl
Welcome to the life of a suicidal girl

Its quite sad
How people make promises
About the future
Because they have no idea what happens in the future
People say things like
I will always love you
I will always be here for you
Things will get better
I promise
But its six months later
You don’t love me
No one is here
And if anything I’ve gotten worse.

My darlings pull your sleeves down
No one has to know
With all the pain you’ve gone through
Your scars don’t have to show
With cuts and scratches and tears
You death is nearly here
Blood stained towels cover the floor
Everyone’s hoping you’ll walk out the door
Throw up honey you’re to fat
Blame your cuts on the cat
Sliding a blade across your skin
Getting sick to be thin

You took away my speech
So I inked in on my arm
It symbolizes our love
It isn’t doing any harm
You tell use to be quite
But my feelings for her are strong
It’s not my fault I fell in love
And society thinks it’s wrong

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
she wrote a poem
And she called it "Chops"
because that was the name of her dog

And that's what it was all about
And her teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And her mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to her aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus
And her little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And her mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent her a
Valentine signed with a row of X's

and she had to ask her father what the X's meant
And her father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
she wrote a poem
And she called it "Autumn"

because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And her teacher gave her an A
and asked her to write more clearly
And her mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint

And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year her sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed

when she asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told her why
her mother and father kissed a lot
And her father never tucked her in bed at night
And her father got mad
when she cried for him to do it.


Once on a paper torn from her notebook
she wrote a poem
And she called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about her girl
And that's what it was all about
And her Teacher gave him an A

and a strange steady look
And her mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because she never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And she forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went

And she caught her sister
making out on the back porch
And her mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made her cough when she kissed her

but she kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three a.m. she tucked herself into bed
her father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
she tried another poem

And she called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And she gave herself an A
and a slash on each ****** wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time she didn't think

she could reach the kitchen.”

We cut and **** flowers because we think they’re beautiful
We cut and **** ourselves because we think we are not

What is more deadly?
A gun or a thought
A gun gives you the opportunity
But the thought pulls the trigger

Oh darling don’t you know?
That smile upon her lips
It’s nothing but a lie
Someone either saves her
Or you should say goodbye

She wakes up too early
Then does her hair
She doesn’t have breakfast
She doesn’t care
Puts on her make up
She doesn’t like her face
Puts on her smile
She’s still out of place
But inside she’s dying
She’s unbearably insecure
Slashes at her wrist
The pain helps reassure
Blood seeps out
Scarlet and deep
Her breath is shuddering
She doesn’t ever eat
But no one notices
Anything wrong
So she keeps on going
Until she’s gone

One cut
Two cuts
Three cuts
Four always desperate for one slash more.
Five pills, six pills, seven, now eight
Some meant for sleep
Some made to lose weight
One eye closes
The other to follow
Hoping this time it’ll work
Her breath becomes hollow
She drops to the floor
As her hands uncurl
Welcome to the life of a suicidal girl

Its quite sad
How people make promises
About the future
Because they have no idea what happens in the future
People say things like
I will always love you
I will always be here for you
Things will get better
I promise
But its six months later
You don’t love me
No one is here
And if anything I’ve gotten worse.

**** me before I **** myself
They think I’m going to **** myself
Are you?
Maybe

You want me to be happy?
Put a gun to my head and pull the trigger.

Fake smile
Dried eyes
Scratched wrists
Bruised thighs

White pills
Rope tied
Gun loaded
*Suicide

I was once sad and lonely,
Having nobody to comfort me,
So I wore a mask that always smiled;
To hide my feelings behind a lie.

Before long, I had many friends;
With my mask, I was one of them.
But deep inside, I still felt empty,
Like I was missing a part of me.

Nobody could hear my cries at night
For I designed my mask to hide the lies.
Nobody could see the pain I was feeling
For I designed my mask to be laughing.

Behind all the smiles were the tears
And behind all the comfort were the fears.
Everything you think you see,
Wasn't everything there was to me.

Day by day,
I was slowly dying.
I couldn't go on,
There was something missing..

Until now I'm still searching
For the thing that'll stop my crying.
For someone who'll erase my fears,
For the person who'll wipe my tears.

But till then I'll keep on smiling.
Hiding behind this mask I'm wearing.
Hoping one day I can smile,
Till then, I'll be here.. waiting.

I am a ******
I murdered the girl i use to be
The one that smiled and laughed
I took those away
I don't deserve happiness
Not when all i can do is hurt
I don't deserve help
I can't help anyone
All i can do is make it worse
I murdered her
Her smile and laugh
I yanked them away
Now she just turns a cheek and cries herself to sleep
Trying to sooth her mind by inflicting her body pain
Maybe it will bring the girl with bright eyes and rosey  cheeks
And fill the void of the girl with dark eyes and pale skin and a void where her heart should be.
Maybe if i act like her she will come back.
But why would she want to come back to a life like this.
I certainly wouldn't

She wants to say i love you
But keeps it at goodnight
Because love would mean some falling
And she's afraid of heights

She cries
She is a broken person
She doesn't understand
That she is perfect
I want to fix her
I want to mend her broken heart
And lighten her dark mind
But how can i fix her.
If i can't even fix myself?
But she is broken and i will fix her
Even if i have to use my own broken pieces
Because she is perfect
She is beautiful
Even when she cries
And her broken mind
She is perfect

There are girls that i love trying to scrape their lives together and swollow their words to hide how bad they hurt
The girls who are drawn tight like an arrow ready to leave at a moment's notice so they don't get left again
The girls that got left behind so many times that they want to do the leaving this time
These girls have bruised hearts and dark minds
But i love them and i hope they stay because i Don't know what would happen if i got left.
I try to calm and sooth but it doesn't seem to work
But they have other people helping and they seem to help better
I'm not enough
So they get better people to help
At least their helped
I just hope they'll stay

I stare at you as you stare at her
And like a lamb off to slaughter I
Hand you my heart
That i've so carefully sewn and protected
And hope that like the pain my fears aren't really there

Its not real right?
Everyone says its not
The thoughts
Its all normal right?
Normal teenage girls
Think that they are not pretty
Or that their stupid
But this
This is not normal
Normal people are not awake at 12:23
Thinking of the bridge down the street
And what it might feel like to jump.
Normal teenagers experiment
With drugs and ***
I experiment
With fire and knives
Normal people hear someone
Call their name but there is no one
I hear people
Tell me to ****
And that i'm not good enough
This is not normal
But you can call it normal if you want
But just remember that when
You find me dangling with a chair tipped over at my feet and blood dripping to the floor
Just remember that
It's only normal.

Its not real right?
Everyone says its not
The thoughts
Its all normal right?
Normal teenage girls
Think that they are not pretty
Or that their stupid
But this
This is not normal
Normal people are not awake at 12:23
Thinking of the bridge down the street
And what it might feel like to jump.
Normal teenagers experiment
With drugs and ***
I experiment
With fire and knives
Normal people hear someone
Call their name but there is no one
I hear people
Tell me to ****
And that i'm not good enough
This is not normal
But you can call it normal if you want
But just remember that when
You find me dangling with a chair tipped over at my feet and blood dripping to the floor
Just remember that
It's only normal.

Someone has to remember
Remember us
How we use to be
You left
So i guess its up to me
But that's okay
I'll just sit here
Holding the broken pieces
Of what use to be
And hope the jagged edges
Don't cut to deep

She's proud of herself and she won't tell you why
It's been almost a week since she last even tried
But the voices won't stop and today they won
Will she go for the blade or end it all with a gun?

After hours of crying and arguing with herself
She gives in and opens the hidden box in her shelf
Overwhelmed with emotions she selects her blade
Oddly delighted with the choice that she's made

So once again she takes a razor to her vein
Without even flinching and feeling no pain
Well there is pain of course but it is mistaken  for praise
She is lacking in judgment because of the daze

She sits there emotionless as blood pours from her wrist
Giving in to that feeling she's so long resist
A smile crosses her face as it spills down her arm
She's caught in the evil we know as self harm

Eyes of green,eyes for blue
It's funny to think how much i've fallen for you.
They made is pretend they made us lie.
Whats so wrong with a girl loving a girl?

Cheeky grin,loving smile
They said we should be apart for a while.
The girl i love was taken away,all because its wrong to be gay.
Now the love I have to give is forced into a life i don't want to live
I just want to be who i am
But now i'm forced to lie to friends
My tears are to the floor
My heart is hurting so much more
I grab the knife and say goodbye
I can't keep up with this lie
Eyes of green full of tears
Sounds of her voice is all she hears
The girl that she use to love is now watching her from above.
Years have passed since that day
Eyes of green never understood why society caused her blue eyed love to die.
The lonely songs continue to play

He said this to her
She said this about me
Who in the world am i suppose to believe?
The drama is pointless
The secrets
The lies
Whats true is locked deep inside
Everyone says that their friends
But what about what she said last weekend?
I wish it would stop
It will just get worse
Add work on top of it and its the worse curse
If you think i can't juggle
School work
Sleep
Homework
Teachers
Family
Social life
And friends
Than
You are absolutely right

She plays with razors and traces her scares
And counts her flaws like her counts the stars
You would think you know her
Until she goes home later that night
You don't know that everyday her thoughts get darker
And her hope is sinking away
Her mind is so tired of thinking
She wants to be anywhere but here
To everyone else she is a happy girl
She was never understood
They never ask why
No one caches her tears
Nobody holds her and tells her things will be alright
She thinks a gun will solve her problems
But a blade will do for now
She is alone like the moon
And it will all end someday soon.

He said this
She said that
Including ugly
Including fat
She walked away
Head held high
Until she got home
Later the night
The blades came out
And so did the shaking
She hated the fear
She hated the aching
But she knew it wouldn't matter
They wouldn't even care
If they were still on Earth
And she wasn't there
So she the gun
And her insides rang
She pressed her finger on the trigger
And then came the
Bang.

You said you wouldn't hurt me
Then you threw to the ground
Blindfolded me from happiness
And spun me round and round
You pushed me off the edge
Threw me to the sharks
Left me here to die
And you planned it from the start
Don't tell me that you cared
Darling I know the truth
You gave me a home
Six feet deep with a permanent roof
Lay me in the dark said "baby close your eyes, if you knew I'd always hurt you why do you seem surprised?"
But hey puppet master
Why are you playing games?
Who's pulling the strings now?
Guess there's only you to blame
I've come back stronger
And I'm not going to end
Cause oh Puppet Master
Didn't you know?
Success is the greatest revenge.

Little Young Lady
with pigtails and curls
Bring out your barbies
Go play with some girls

Little Young Lady
With your straightened hair
Your eyes aren't as bright
You don't seem to care

Little Young Lady
Wearing long sleeves
Tell me your secrets
You just have to keep

Little young lady
The one all in black
Find things that make you smile
Bring your happiness back

Little Young Lady
Who dreams of pills
Razor,ropes,and guns
All the things that ****

Little Young Lady
Hanging from your ceiling fan
You were afraid of yourself
So you ran