My car is up for sale
It's parked outside the flat
The last prospective buyer said" What a pile of tat !!"
I know it's no ferrari
And in a race it's always beat
I had to fend off scrapmen !!
When i parked it down the street
It's not really all that bad
Once you clean off all the dust
It's true it needs a re-spray
To cover up the the rust
I admit i had an accident
And it hasn't any lights
But the fanbelt is pretty new
Made from a pair of tights !
It failed the emission test
The M.O.T man said " it's scrap !!"
And when he turned the steering wheel
It fell off in his lap !
To call my car a ' nail'
Doesn't seem quite fair
I prefer the term ' quite eye catching'
Because people stop and stare !
So if you think your'e interested
Give me a call and view today !
I can put it in some carrier bags
For you to take away !

Once i met a mummy
Whose pride got hurt real bad
He'd failed to reach the toilet
It got him pretty mad !

It must be quite frustrating
Being bandaged head to toe
And having to unwrap himself
Each time he needs to go

And then when he has  finished
He has to wrap himself again
If he's  got the diarrhoea
It must drive him insane !!

And if he doesn't make it
And he has to walk round wet
And he stands next to a heater
And The smell.. he wont forget

So if you meet a mummy
And he's groaning down at you
Be kind and show some sympathy
He's failed to reach the loo !

Shyness is my prison
Your love the only key
It's bars are made of silence
Only you can set me free

I sit tongue tied and lonely
Help my sentence now to cease
If you want me .. you  must give me
A sure way of release

A kiss a touch a promise
And i know i would be yours
Love it knows no boundaries
It's true .. can open doors

Silence is not golden
For me it is a curse
I want to say ' i love you'
In my mind the words rehearse

As i watch you from this prison
Will my chance just slip away ?
No chance to be your lover
Why ?..  three words... i cannot say

For shyness is my prison
Your love the only key
It's bars are made of silence
Be my saviour .. set me free.

What's that on the pavement ?
It's another shoe !
Not a pair ... just one of them
Theres always one not two !

What is this strange mystery ?
Is there something weird afoot ?
Maybe i'll investigate ... so explanation i can put !

What reason to throw out one shoe ?
And keep the other one ?
But if they binned them as a pair
Then where's the other gone ?

Maybe there's a one legged man..
That doesn't need a pair
But instead of throwing out one shoe
He could keep it as a spare !

Or better still save money
He could stand outside a shop
Then steal a shoe from off the rack
And run away .... no.. hop !

So if you go out walking
And a single shoe you see
You may wonder ' where's the other one '!
Wonder just like me .

I know i've never met her
And strange i know it seems
I dont recall us meeting except for in our dreams
We walked and talked together.. in a strange and misty place
I feel as though i know her and i can't forget her face
Who is this strange enchantress ?
And where does she come from ?
I call her my dream lover ..for in the morning she is gone !

Johnny had a good job
He worked hard all his life
He forgot about his children
He forgot about his wife
He forgot about the time he spent out working everyday
poor johnny never saw the years.. he worked his life away
He didn't make the time for fun
Never saw his children grow
His wife packed up and left him
Why ?.. well johnny did not know
But johnny had a good job
He worked hard all his life
And johnny died a stranger
To his children and his wife !

I once knew a girl whose mouth was quite foul
She put on her make- up with a bricklayers trowel
She loved herself silly  , now god only knows
She would sit on the sofa .. picking her nose !

Her dresses were short and so were her skirts
Always chatting up men , one of life's biggest flirts !
But i heard she got married , had kids by the score
Now the girl she once was .. isn't there any more !