The king summoned the jester
Told him make me laugh again
The jester said i can't my lord
My heart is filled with pain

you see i love the princess
And though it should not be
For i am but a simple fool
She could not marry me

The king well he was furious
And called the royal guard
Take this ****** from my sight
And hang him in the yard

The princess wept a tear and said
Please father understand
Show my love some mercy
Instead ban him from this land

The jester stood there solemn
And gave a sad reply
If i have to live without you
It is better that i die

That night upon the gallows
A figure hung so still and cold
And the princess cried a thousand tears
For a love so true and bold.

There goes mary...
On her way down to the shop
She's off to buy some liquorice
And lots of fizzy pop...

Sweet tooth mary...
With her teeth as black as sin
She gave the children nightmares
When she smiled her mouldy grin

She chomped her way through toffee bars
And bags filled to the brim
With sugar cakes and frosted flakes
But mary's fate was grim

For mary learnt a lesson
A price for her sweet taste
She spent her cash on candy
And never bought toothpaste

That night as mary lay in bed
With sweet wrappers beneath
Toothfairies came with hobnailed boots
And kicked out all her teeth !

Jenny hopes for better things
Whilst hanging by a thread
She watches as the gentlemen
Fall in and out her bed

Her reputations tainted
Preceeds her all her life
She knows no man would want her
Or take her as his wife

For her life is a struggle
To pay the bills and pay the rent
On mind affecting substances
Her money is now spent

But jenny hopes for better things
Whilst hanging by a thread
So she dont have to watch the gentlemen
Fall in and out her bed !

I think i'm being followed
But as i turn around
The only thing that's followed me
Is my shadow on the ground

He's always there beside me
At the end of every day
But if i stand in darkness
My shadow goes away !

I've gone barmy !!
My mind's gone down the drain
I've gone barmy !!
I'm really quite insane
I've gone barmy !!
Bonkers, bloomin' jolly
I've gone barmy!!
It's true .. i'm off my trolley

You've gone barmy !!
That's what my shrink he said
I'm afraid that i must tell you
You've lost it in the head !!
So i thanked him with a raspberry
And then ran up the road
And shouted " i've gone barmy !"
Two bricks short of a load !

I've gone barmy !!
There are no if's or buts
I've gone barmy !!
Now i know i'm nuts
I've gone barmy !!
I'll tell you something pally
I've gone barmy !!
I'm bleedin' well doolalee !!

So if you think you're barmy !!
Sing this song with me
Shower with your clothes on
And barmy you will be !!
Dance around the living room
Hopping on one foot
Blowing lots of raspberries !!
If you want to be a nut !.

How can you say he loves you
It's just the drink thats all
I've often heard you sobbing
Seen you limping down the hall
Why does he have to hit you ?
And hurt you in this way
When you deserve much better
It can't go on this way
You know one day he'll **** you
Why not get out while you can ?
Stop dreaming that he'll change his ways
This drunken violent man
You should'nt have to worry
When he comes home late at night
You know it's not the first time
He's been looking for a fight
He says he does'nt mean it
But your children see your pain
As you try to hide the bruise's
And broken bones again
You know he's been unfaithful
And leaves you til he's had his fill
He calls you and you take him back
He knows you always will
He hits you and then buys you
A gift to calm the pain
And when you think he cares for you
The beating's start again
Love , honour and cherish
Once he took the marriage vow
A dream forgotten , in the past
Is'nt working now
It was'nt always like this
I know you know it's true
his love affair with alcohol
Means so much more than you.

              Conclusion

When alcohol gets a grip on you
It's hard to break the chain
Your life will start to crumble
Slowly slipping down the drain
You wake up with the craving
Your body gets the shakes
Can't think straight, you get irritable
Your sanity it takes
While you're propping up the bar each night
Fooling yourself you're  having fun
You think it's not a problem
Can't see the damage being done
So if you love your family
Take time to stop and think
Don't put them through the misery
Because you chose to drink .

There's gonna be a gunfight
Out there in the street
All the stores closed early
To see who would be beat

The gunfighters got ready
Neither would back down
Each one gave the other
24 hours to leave town

Bifocal bill was ready
He said " That drunkards gonna pay !"
Then stood there shouting " Draw ya punk "
Facing the wrong way !!

The Whisky Kid stepped into sight
And staggered about the place
He looked bill up and down a while
Then fell down on his face !!

The crowd stood waiting eagerly
And as they booed and hissed
Bill squeezed off the first shot
To no surprise .. he missed !

The whisky kid then stood up.. swore
Cursed .. some foul abuse
Then called to bill " i need a drink !
" howz about we call a truce ?

Bill fired his gun repeatedly
Bullets spun off left and right
The whisky kid fell on the ground
The crowd went silent at this sight

The whisky kid just lay there
With a bottle in his hand
Bill grinned and said " The kid is dead !
But he was just too drunk to stand

The sheriff  said " i guess that's that "
And as they turned to go
Bill's gun slipped from it's holster
And blew off his big toe !!.