The physical form of a child,
Yet with hands old and withered,
From compulsive, incessant hand washing.
My daughter, the sufferer of unimaginable horrors.

I watch her now, as I write this, she is eating,
With ritualistic concentration.
I feel a love within me, so deep, so spiritual,
It gives me comfort, peace.

She didn't choose the disorder,
Anorexia sneaked in.
Five years ago,
Five impossibly long years ago.

The madness in this household
As a result!
Finger pointing, yelling, blaming.
The dog cowering in a corner.

Countless tears shed,
Many of them shared.
All of them salty, all of them stung.
Until there was nothing left,
An empty bottle, upside down.

Our love proved stronger than the bickering.
Accusations gave way to teamwork,
New reserves of strength were found.
We bonded, all four like a clover.

In and out of hospital, nothing seemed to work,
Her weight at one point the same as the dog's
A girl of nineteen years.
We never gave up, we loved her more,
And as a result, she, us.

Then two years ago, another blow,
This time more severe.
Schizophrenia was diagnosed,
We slowly distance ourselves from God.

And now the madness is complete,
The two conditions feeding one another.
The skeletal ****** that can't eat butter,
Versus fleeting moments to cherish.

I'm exhausted now, I can't keep up,
Like swimming against the tide.
I tried though, I really fought,
Gave it all I’ve got.
How long before one gives up,
On a girl not taking her meds?

I love you Jess, it's a physical pain,
But I have an illness too.
Darkness is the only light.
I love you, I love you, I love you.

Were
We
All the
Same once?
Do you remember the future,
From a child's eyes?
It was dazzling and promising.
A dream in the making.
How do you view the future now my friend,
From an adult's viewpoint?
Does your future fill you with fear,
As mine increasingly does me?
Does your version leave you bolt upright in bed, in a pool of sweat?
What happened to the childish innocence, the impunity?
Take me back to those days but remove my father.
Allow me to sleep in my childhood bed, allow me to dream.
Remove his footsteps.
Remove his voice.
Take
Away
His
Power,
His intimidating
Presence.

I dined alone at the bazaar last summer,
Opposite me, at a table really long,
A bus load of handicapped people sat.
Having no company, my attention turned to them.
A most colourful scene.
Food smeared faces, napkins and tablecloth,
I watched, mesmerized,
As a young woman of outstanding natural looks,
Tended to and helped, wiped, smiled and laughed.
And all the while radiated goodness and love.
Transfixed, I followed her actions.
There were other helpers present, don't get me wrong,
But only she oozed kindness so effortlessly.
For ten minutes I was privileged to observe
Her grace and beauty touch all who were there.
Then suddenly, without warning she said her goodbyes,
Kissed a few cheeks, and was gone.
I never got to tell her what a beautiful person she was.
It means so much more from a random stranger.

The worn out carpet in your room,
Caged, restless despair.
The constant caressing of your feet,
A pathway you paved there.

Gritty hopes and teenage dreams,
First vacuum packed, then put on hold.
Like dying embers in a hearth,
The expiry date now old.

The medication didn't work,
You quit a year ago.
The side effects, the ugly thoughts,
What's me? What's placebo?

My fear has been of returning home,
To find you lifeless with a note.
A mother screams, a father cries,
How can I look at what you wrote?