i am driving down the familiar road home.
i melt into the abnormally plush seat, and
as pleasant lingering echoes of dolores
mingle well with robert's fiery heartbreak,
i feel my body sigh with welcome relief.

i make the same right turn i have made
five thousand times before this night,
and my eyes are accosted by ******
ribs and a flimsy excuse for a carcass.
it is not gruesome or horrifying at all,
the spectacle simply exists in my mind.

but then, after that split second of
involuntary reaction, my eyes and
my mind and my vehicle are close
enough to comprehend what i see:

the ****** carcass is little more
than a plant,
red stems for ribs and brown leaves
for flesh.

memories are only fragments,
flashes of color, a vagrant scent,
even a song or a story;
but i cling to these fragments,
the shadows of a good man.

your voice,
soft and hoarse, but so powerful,
like a breeze, gentle as a
feather at first, but of fickle
and increasing ferocity,
gradually intensifying
until my hairs are splayed like
flailing limbs and the trees bend
like dark green pipe cleaners.
your voice always calmed
me, the way you told stories.
i felt the characters alive within
my soul, burning and existing
like fiery candles,
and i saw their adventures
in my minds' eye, so vivid.

your books,
everywhere always.
older than you were,
which was ancient to my tiny
child's memory;
you cared for them like you
cared for us, tender, firm,
and just perfect.
you gave that love to my
mother, and through her, me.

your claw of a hand,
always curled in disbelief,
always squeezing and trying.
you used your good hand,
the untouched hand,
to write in that block print.
i still have a card, buried
somewhere deep in the
underground of my cave,
my prized possession.

your creativity,
always finding ways to
entertain our wandering minds.
flashlight tag,
so simple, but so enthralling.
you always let me win.

your face,
ever-smiling, even at
her musty, ruined funeral.
you always found a way
to say the perfect thing,
a way to make me laugh
through tears, crack a
grin through my blind,
child's anger.

your funeral,
so cold; my salty tears
left icicles on my heaving cheeks;
the wind stung and made
me want to yell "GO AWAY!"
just your favorite people there,
crowded around a grave impossibly
tiny, and i wondered how
you survived without her for so long.
i remember that feeling,
that burning in my throat--
sometimes i still feel it--
and i remember the poem
he read for us, so simple but so
******* true.
i cried for days and weeks,
but today,
i choose to remember your beauty.

I am cold.
Cold from the inside, out.
My hands are cold,
my feet are cold,
my legs are cold,
my ******* are cold,
my nose, my lips, my toes,
my ankles, my stomach, my back.
my insides.
My heart, mind.
Everything,
is cold.
The days fluctuate between freezing,
cold, chilled,
and very rarely, warm.
Yesterday was warm.  Warm,
all day long and it
was amazing.  I could feel
myself again,
I existed
as more than just a ghost,
an invisible girl.
I was warm.
Happy, warm.
There are good days and
there are bad days and
there are average days, leaning
to either good or bad.
Yesterday was a good day.  A good day
that i have not experienced in a very,
very long time.
too long.
Oddly long.
It was lovely.
Though the warmth and the good
could not last.  Of course,
nothing ever can last.
Today is cold and
uncomfortable.
Cold.

An ode to my father,
for whatever reason.
The father who seems to find
great joy in the fights.
The father who never
tells me goodnight.
To the father who loves,
to the father who hates.
To the father who stands there
guarding the gates.
To the father who's sweet,
to the father who's sour.
To the father whose glare
makes me sink down and cower.
To the years of the silence,
to the years of crushed dreams,
the years of good memories
ripped down the seams.
To the years of the love
you showed to my sisters,
while I annoy you
like a pestering blister.
To all the time crying
spent alone in my bed.
To the feelings of loneliness
you've ingrained in my head.
An ode to you, Father,
For whatever reason.

Flashes of denial campaign
undiscovered in my ears
while laughter sounds out like static
from a land where words
expose their wonder.  
What lies beneath
waves of pleading promises
that lie touching my heart
like winds of change
bring on thunder?

Has my existence flown
to find the answers
inside of years
up on the silent mountaintop
that I once called
my home?
I find that now I live with chaos
looking in my windows
at every single hollow place
it sees
when I am sitting
all alone.

Insanity is everywhere
I see it staring at my mouth
as honesty spews on everything
I deny to be,
while in all of my despair
I hear words
laughing out at me.
I breathe in deep then lift the voice
with which I write
and wait........
for my pen to bleed.

Waiting on skype
While you hurdle your life
Neatly packed into bags
Across your vacant room.
Wondering if there is still
Space enough for me to fit.
If I can exist the same,
When you step off the
Other side of the plane.
Wondering if there
Is space enough
To place a fist full
Of broken words and
Eyes that mist,
A thousand things
I’m going to miss
And a hug I can’t quite reach
And I think..
I wish..
That this…
Can't be..
Goodbye
I guess.

He said he wanted to catch my tears.
I fear I’ve been lied to.
Wouldn’t be the first time,
His string of words didn’t line up.
He’s never been one for giving up,
Lots of boys talk to him and he
Makes jokes,
He can’t keep his head straight
But he thinks he’s straight where it counts.
I think he likes to circle around the truth
With loud distractions
And things I want to hear.
I fear I’ve been lied to.
Wouldn’t be the first time,
His string of words didn’t line up.
He’s got me talking in circles,
Never was one for linear thinking.
So I’m not straight.
Maybe I should give up and start talking to girls.
In high school maybe I should have
Listened to their jokes.
I can talk straight,
But to him it never seemed to count.

He has sweetness in his eyes and excitement
Dancing through the half smile he is teasing me with,
Seducing in the glimpses of white teeth exposed by
Curved dancing lips, begging to be kissed,
Tingling anticipation creating an ache
You step closer and my breathing quakes,
My chin level with your broad muscled chest
Smooth like marble defined, statuesque,
You peel off my layers of uncertainty
Starting with the top button confident hand under
Soft cotton searching, creating and finding
What I never knew that I was hiding,
Grabbing up every feeling I ever hid away,
Piled up or buried, you tipped me over,
And let me spill out onto you, you told me
I was a dark blue and tasted like shadows and honey.
You spun me when your hand was running,
Leaving trails of icy heat along me,
Called softly to my brokenness,
Your breath heated my cold shoulder and
I heard a beat inside my chest
Must have thawed my heart with your kiss.
Your hands explore my thigh,
Creating soft sighs and brightening dim eyes,
I didn’t know my light had went out,
Until this day when your gaze
Was the first spark to a flame
Burning my body, killing my shame,
You set fire creating a raging blaze.
You got inside me,
And burnt down what remained.
For so long I was afraid.
Than you pulled me down,
Emptied me out and made me
Feel again.