My fingers raw from scrubbing pounds of clams, mussels, peeling prawns.
My back aches in preparation for a meal that I wish to share with you.
Christmas music in the background.
A cocktail in hand
Now I sit for a moment and wonder
Where are you?
I hope you smile
Know I think of you
Waiting for our time together
Sitting here. Lost in thought.
Lost in you.
Kiss my love

I ask you, I beg you…not break my heart
Not now, this time, I break apart
The past doth visit, this night of all
My heart, responds to whom that call
Though you no longer walk this land
My heart remembers each grain of sand
That time when you have grasped my heart
Our dreams we swore we’d never part

Almost one year,  you’ve asked from me
To take your hand, so forever we’d be
And Yes, I said...my heart spoke true
That forever, I will stand, and always love you
And so we dreamed and planned our lives
With child and more, our hearts contrived

Alas, God spoke and needed thee
To take you early, and set you free
From life on earth, where you’ve made your mark
To Heaven you land, new roads embark
God recognize your worth so true
And so he made known his need for you

Up there you shine, and your heart is known
For all to see, how you have grown
For me, its clear I've learned some truth
Though I have lost, God has me soothed
To know you serve our Lord with trust
And be the Light, to fight for just

So do not see me as one that’s broken
I know that you and God has spoken
I will soon take my place along your side
As we have planned to be your bride
And so I shall wait the time ‘til then
Know that I always love you, until then end

For now, I bide the time I’m here
No obstacle, nor hardship shall I ever fear
For I know in the end, I will meet you there
When God, shall agree our time to share
The love begun at the first hello
Through time, shall be clear, we both shall know
Forever, our love, forever we last
Through millennia, and more, whatever past

Dear God, whoever, whatever, wherever you are- can you see me?

Can you see the terror in my eyes?
This day I wakened gripped in fear.
Can you see me behind the lies?
False is my smile, real is my tear

That trails my cheek the stain remains
The mask each day I don at morn
No soul beholds the blinding pain
For not shall I allow one's scorn

Dear God can you hear me?

My screams are stifled by the sound
Of winds I turn to carry me
Away from dismal strife abound
I turn my back one step to flee

When I speak, my voice not mine
Tis what you wish that you will hear
That life is good and all is fine
Expression when my soul can't bear

Soliloquy for me alone
With words that bring me to my knees
I shake with chill deep to the bone
Despair I pray that no one sees

Dear God, can you feel me?

I know my heart beats within
Yet how I wish that it would cease
Perhaps no longer that I shall sin
And finally gain a sense of peace

I wish to hate you for you have made me
Look how I've grown with this weak shell
Assembled pieces faithlessly
The cracks run deep, dear God, pray tell

Can you see my tears and hear my cries?
Or feel the knife plunged deep within
My heart, my soul, my mind defies
Hope, joy, and love, my harshest sin

Are you there, my God, or no!
Why have you made me thus?
Alas, no one shall know my woe
To will my body back to dust

Tis all my own, this place I made
No one to blame only myself
Goodbye, farewell and so I bade
Sorrow, oh flame! My life engulf!

There has been no days that I have not been surprised, delighted, and unfortunately, disappointed by human beings. So I ask this question: is it due to age that selfishness surfaces at its peak or plateau, or is it an affliction that is borne from an innate personality trait. The inability to see beyond their minimal parameter and impose their will upon those who has a much wider horizon is perhaps one of the most difficult obstacle to overcome. Let's just say I wish to beat the mother-******* **** out of a couple who are about 12-years old in mental maturity, pour black tar on them and light a ******* match

Gather your arms
Your strength, your courage
The foe before you comes charging through
Pray tell, who dares to breach this wall
Built with sweat, and tears, determination
Shall no one try nor succeed to break
Integrity, honor and for all at stake
Lessons learned from painful past
of enemies who destroy en masse
There once was one who gave full trust
that those around them were of same heart
How quickly vanished the innocence
of what we're born, this purity
Now stained with blood, with wickedness
I take no more and give no less
No more, I say..no more I allow
I will not break, nor will I bow
Stand strong, here comes the hostile band
of haters and liars that we must withstand
But wait, I see a flag of surrender?
Shall he not break me forth asunder?
No fool am I, tis only a ruse
To trick and betray as the **** ensues
You will not win, not over me
That point will come when you will see
I am stronger than you....because of you
My time has come to win this war
For that is what life has become
A battle for whom the strongest will win
Not by brute strength, but by character within

For all of you I have lived my life
By crutch, by hand, through all the strife
It did not matter, for I did not see
The strain, the burden, the pain for me

I held your hand, with love abandon
Through every battle, though none was won
But don’t you see, that’s what He meant
To find our own way, clear message sent

Yet through the pain our eyes made blind
The tears that blur all truth, all kind
Beside you I'll always remain until
The dark of storms to pass, stay still

With patience, love, I wait to pass
And hope you find the love at last
To set you free and find your home
And no longer feel you are alone

Tis not my pain I care at all
Just you, your heart I hear the call
So promise not to turn away
And let the darkness lead you astray

I stand, by you, my friend so true
As you have done when I pained too
Take my hand, so I stand beside
The hardest times, we both have cried

I am your friend I'll always stay
To hold all evils and tears at bay
I wish to hold you and make you see
That pain we learn, is meant to be

How high you'll rise, yes this is true
That life enfolds, and with love for you
So please, I ask, to look deeply within
You ‘ll overcome, in the end you will win

Lust is just a moment for you
Don’t think I don’t know that it is true
So take your heat and leave behind
Just dust, for its not worth of mind
No anger I feel, tis only I see
The only truth you’re able to be
Not one of substance, tis not your way
Thank God, I’ve mind, to lead not astray
Don’t worry, someone will hold your hand
Believe your lies, no mind she stand
By you, with eyes that can never see
How you, no truth, you can never be
For now, I’ll take my leave of thee
And thank God, He’s allowed me to be free
So take your mind, and share with some
Who has no sense, completely dumb
To know you have no heart to give
You’ll find no peace, as long you live
So do you wonder of whom I speak?
For those who question, are those are weak
And whom who reads that smile take forth
Then you alone, are a friend of worth
For you know that it is not you I seek
The ones I curse, with loathe doth reek

One day, it was of one so bland
No note I took that was so grand
A lazy moment, I looked upon
Some random words, soon to be gone

Without thought I answered thee
And never thought that I would be
Captured by prose that came from you
I doubt, I knew you were not true

Yet with what you gave in return
A spark for what has yet to burn
Drawn like a moth upon a flame
In time lost focus within your game

And allowed your scrutiny
The secret buried deep in me
With test and trial you rose above
Yet with resistance I would not love

For feeling was not what I knew
And I could not allow from you
To gain the power and take from me
What held me up above the sea

Of misery, I have only known
No love, no joy, what has not grown
Yet with each word that came from you
The crack upon my wall broke through

The rush, emotion within a flash
That wondrous moment soon came a crash
Into my soul and shaken me
Stripped from my armor and set me free

With wonder I have walked anew
This path, in hand I take with you
But wait, this cannot be real
My heart, my soul, this love I feel

Each day, I wake hope to believe
That we’ve made stronger this wondrous weave
From chaos, turmoil to spirit free
Someone I thought I’d never be
Today I look back to when
And hope to see you once again
Short time has passed yet I do know
God no!!! Let not my doubt to grow!

Perhaps I have been so deceived
Autre persona has no reprieve!
Begone, leave me, I cannot bear
Too long your presence born its wear

Leave me, allow myself retreat
To where I do not claim defeat
This inner world no one I share
Where I am safe, my soul to bare

Forgive me, for I do not trust
What I thought love, perhaps just lust
How I wish that I am wrong
To be with one whom I so long

But fear has always taken hold
Allow me not to be so bold
I fail, I see, I cannot be
The girl I thought was true to me

I am trying so hard to please
Those I care to make at ease
But since you’ve gone, I truly tried
To smile and laugh, but yet I cried
For moments that I shared with you
The only one that loved me true

Do not be sad, as you look upon
The girl who misses you since you’ve gone
Two steps forward, and one step back
I try with might, but strength I lack
Forever you said, that we will be
How can I bear life without thee?

I know that you have sought to guide
From up above, the other side
So if I must wait till I die
To heal this pain, and curb my cry
I promise you, I’ll do my best
To find my way, and pass this test

Forgive me, love, that I am weak
The past too often, I do seek
To see your smile that made mine too
The love we shared that almost grew
To heights I’ve never thought would be
And now I know will never see

Soon, I say, that I will find
My way and leave my past behind
Till then have patience, my dearest one
I wait the day when shine the sun
In time, I dare to hope and see
What life, the future meant to be

For now, please keep your eyes on me
Until the time again I’ll see
Your truthful gaze that shone with love
When I reach heaven up above
As I write these words of woe
Your love will guide me until I know

You only see me when I smile
Or laugh, it seems all that worthwhile
But have you tried to see inside
The girl I’ve tried so hard to hide?

No matter, for that is not for me
To grant you entry and truly see
What is inside that you’ll not know
I’ll guard with life, and never show

For there is none whom I have met
To see what’s there I’ll never let
Inside of me where true I feel
For I will **** before you steal

My honor, my heart I value true
Not one I’ve known, not even you
Have gained my trust to take my heart
So now you know, don’t even start

To touch within I’ve none to give
I’ve swore to hold so long I live
I’m finished now, I’ve given all
My heart is done, I’ve heard the call

No matter how you try for me
Just know , this life will never be
I’ve known that’s all I’ll ever know
With heart, tis true my only foe

Acceptance I have taken hold
That never shall I will behold
The greatest love to gain from thee
For me no more, so let it be

Here I sit upon the grass
I look about, one moment’s pass
A fleeting peace that once takes over
Much like a kiss by one’s true lover

As I stand and look upon
The world around me under the sun
How life so simple, mediocrity
How men accept their life to be

Not I, for I cannot accept
The bland, the white, how I have wept
I do not wish to take a part
This little role dealt from the start

It is not me, I cannot be
Inconsequential, I cannot see
For I look more outside the line
And hope to gain that is not mine

Not yet, the chase I come alive
Imagination, free heart derive
Disdain at those I am surround
With pity to all who has not found

That life is not what comes to thee
But to seek that which will make you free
Of chains that leave you bound to rock
No movement, wonder I doth mock

I cannot love one who takes hold
Of only what not makes them bold
The plain is not what I achieve
No less if so, then I will grieve

Go forth, be gone, if you cannot share
The spark, adventure, compelling dare
I cannot exist to only be
Defined as mediocrity

Ok

Ok...not so good today
Two steps forward
One step back
Sometimes three
And when I do
Alas, the difficulty
So what. Who cares?
Do you?
This is me. I don't care
At times I stumble
At times I detonate
At least I do....
And not just marinate
You judge me?
You're no one
That matters to me
Ahhhh! That is the key!
No care for you
I am to be free
No one shall tell
How I will rule
MY life, we'll have no duel
You live yours
And I'll live mine
We will see
Who, in the end, will shine
You cannot touch
What you have not known
Don't dare to know me
I will be alone
And love that I am
Strong without you
No more I shall I need
No more I shall rue
How I love that I have no more
The chains that had choked me
Restraint I abhor
Leave me! I scream
My heart full of glee
Begone! Stay away!
How I love to be me

If it is important, one will find a way
If it is not, one will seek an excuse
Clarity is sobering
Especially when it is one's self that has been defined
The fear has yet to release its hold
Although I fight against its grip
And hope to one day take that deep breath of freedom
You have inspired that hope to heights never reached
The miracle is just beyond
With love, there is patience
And joy knowing that it is right there, so close
Lend your hand, for the length of its reach is more than mine
This I ask.  My attempt to find a way.  
You are important to me.
So very much.

I see this day to look upon
The ones once here, and now has gone
These words I write shall come from me
The hearts of others I cannot see
For men and women who fights a war
Your honorable spirit shall now be lore
I know I cannot ever grasp
The moment of that breath at last
My tears for you, always so real
Honor your service, with sincere zeal
I hope one day, that all war ends
And all your efforts shall make amends
Till then, dear soldier, I wish to thank
What you have done, shall I be frank?
I am but no one, just one who cares
Appreciate what you have shared
And lost your life to give to me
So that I live, and may be free

With all my heart, I thank you.
No words can express enough
Rest in peace
With love, respect, I honor you

I sit here and I begin to ponder
Upon the past and grow with wonder
How quickly, how the tides doth turn
And green take over that once was burned
To see the change so quick, and stark
And so again, will I soon embark
Upon a path that leads me where
I do not know, though take this dare
I’ve learned so far that life is not
What I have hoped, my thoughts begot
Anticipation is what I feel
Embrace the future with honest zeal
There is so much that I must learn
To know this I have hoped to earn
So much, I know, I do not know
Tis arrogance, ego that is my foe
Open my mind, I ask from Thee
So that I may learn to be finally free
Of past transgressions and hurt and pain
I hope and pray, shall I never again
To feel lost in spirit with none to hold
In reverence, in awe, in all truth be told
Much more I see, this life for me
Let go of the chains  I may be free
To see with eyes not dark with cloud
And ears to hear the cries aloud
I turn my head and I look behind
One glimpse, just one, and I know I’ll find
That I have let go to what is past
And find the future, my heart at last

Not feeling it right now
Like driving at night on a highway
Lights broken, totally black
Confidence, knowing…gone
Why? I was feeling so good!
So sure….perhaps not.
My mind, my enemy
Make it stop. These thoughts.
Sabotage!

Go away, I beg you.
The fear, the pain
Failure ensue
Not now, no rain
The promise of good
I’ll change just see
If only I would
I am, you see
Just someone who fears
That setting sun
Hold back my tears
As I come undone
Tragedy I own
Tis joy not mine
The sins I’ve sown
In death I shall find
The peace I seek
For I cannot live
In this world so bleak
My heart, I would give
To free the bond
For I, a slave
Until I’m gone
Never to brave

I am weak
Don’t mock
I tried, oh have I tried
Just leave me be
This world is hard

I have learned that life is not to expect
But to only watch, and feel true respect
For those who come, even briefly to me
No matter the time that I'll allow them to be
Look to them with love, and always with heart
'Cause, time will tell true how far we will part

I hope and I pray, that my strength will unfold
Through trials, and tests, when the truth will be told
I look to the heavens, and hope I will see
That no matter what happens, that I will always love me
For that is what's truth, to know who you are
That love begins here, not there nor far

The lessons I've learned I know continue
Each moment passes, with all that comes through
Don't worry for me, I am made of hard steel
Though you see someone weak, as my heart doth reel
Just allow me my grief, my laughter deceitful
My attempt to survive this world that proves cruel

Don't judge me on this, these words that so flow
I'm not who I seem, this me I don't know
I try to believe with this weight in my heart
And try to forget the reason we'd part
Don't judge me with words that only brings pain
For I try with my might, so I may live life again

The moment I write these words that come through
I only seek to find reason, and learn what is true
Sometimes I will fail, like this time I feel lost
So cold this chill as if I have turned into frost
Allow me this time, so I can heal this pain
No comfort, nor words, so I ask you refrain

Do not try to change me, for I see will not be
To become this person, that I wanted to see
To stand strong and become the guiding light
For those who have fallen, I've tried to do right
But now I see that the one need to heal
Is me, the one, that has never shown real

How wrong I have been to seek outside
To show them my heart, what is broken inside
Tis only me that can heal my pain
Forgive me, my friends, I've fallen again
No wish I have to be such a burden
I will no longer ask, for this I am certain

Thank you all, you have shown me how
To be a good person, though my turn is now
To be the one that can only break free
From bonds that have choked I so clearly see
I beg you, no anger, this is my way
My sins have been deep, now my time to pay

Dear God why have you so given me
A mind that cannot stop to be
A looking glass to humankind
How I wish I’ve been born blind
So not to see the sins flow free
Why you have given them decree
To inflict pain and hide the love
That you all know there up above
So Is it really fair you do
That life what you show to be true?
Please tell me there is so much more
That is not hate, and all abhor?
Give me some hope that I may seek
That we are strength and not so weak
Smile upon those who have heart
I pray that you will never part
Your wisdom that I always crave
Loveth take over, with heart so brave

Ah summer! How you touch me! Your morning dew that kisses each blade of grass, so brilliant, a blanket of diamonds as the sun begins its rise from the east.
And as that golden orb climbs to reach its peak midday, casting your warmth among the smiling and grateful faces of the daisies and pansies that dot the landscape. Chasing away the earthworms that sought the fresh air during the cooler hours of the morn.
And there is me.
Your sun burns the dark demons that haunt me before I slumber, and removes the curses from my dreams.
Your warmth enfolds me with the sensation of a true love's embrace.
Your brilliance shines light upon my mind's shaded path.
Your existence is what keeps me alive.
Shine on me.
Fill me enough to withstand the coming months of blacker days.
And keep your promise that you will come again and be my light.

More and more I see each day
Reflect upon all life and way
How dawn is beginning
Sundown the end
This is our life,
Believe me, my friend.

Ah! What has made me think this thought?
Clarity, meaning, truth I've sought
As all good things come to conclusion
Pragmatic reason, without confusion
I say goodbye to one I've known
With whom I spent my life and grown
Goodbye dear man, I've loved you too
But now I seek my life, what's true

Why, I ask, I turn to you?
At this low moment of fear and pain
To feel, perhaps that it may be true
that I can feel and know love again?

No, my heart tells me it cannot be
Tis only to wake me from my reverie

This forest of of veils that reach from the sky
I feel my way through, with no sight from my eye
So I remain blind for this is my choice
For at this moment I've no trust in my voice

Let me hide behind the stage of life
The place I hope no hate nor strife
Go away I say, and leave me be...
Don't wake me from my reverie

It is safe this place, though lacking light
Perhaps I will go to only take flight
And when I do, I know it will be
to go home where I know I can finally be free

I wake each morning and hope one day
To receive an answer for what I pray
That all the souls that walk upon
This earth their pain will all be gone
My heart it breaks when I will see
That human kind shall never be
To care for good and truly mean
And try to change the pain I’ve seen
Perhaps just one can make a change
And spread the word widen the range
For those to make a difference, yes!
To turn around this worldwide mess
I will not stop believing in good
No matter evils, I’ve understood
If only you could stop and feel
Take a moment to see what’s real
Not the roles that we take upon
So brief, its stay and soon be gone
But in your heart see what is there
Is it full, or is it bare?
Take a breath, let air come in
And know that we all have been
Through pain and hate tis always there
Its up to us, to fight and share
The strength that we hold deep inside
And over come for what we’ve cried
Can you love, can you feel?
Not much it takes to make it real
So stop this hate, this jealous stride
And spread some joy, near and wide
Don’t stop and think if it is worth
The time you take to love this earth
It is our home, our only home
Where shall we go when it is gone?
So please I ask, just think today
A will exists, so there’s a way

I wake each morning and hope one day
To receive an answer for what I pray
That all the souls that walk upon
This earth their pain will all be gone
My heart it breaks when I will see
That human kind shall never be
To care for good and truly mean
And try to change the pain I’ve seen
Perhaps just one can make a change
And spread the word widen the range
For those to make a difference, yes!
To turn around this worldwide mess
I will not stop believing in good
No matter evils, I’ve understood
If only you could stop and feel
Take a moment to see what’s real
Not the roles that we take upon
So brief, its stay and soon be gone
But in your heart see what is there
Is it full, or is it bare?
Take a breath, let air come in
And know that we all have been
Through pain and hate tis always there
Its up to us, to fight and share
The strength that we hold deep inside
And over come for what we’ve cried
Can you love, can you feel?
Not much it takes to make it real
So stop this hate, this jealous stride
And spread some joy, near and wide
Don’t stop and think if it is worth
The time you take to love this earth
It is our home, our only home
Where shall we go when it is gone?
So please I ask, just think today
A will exists, so there’s a way

The grass so soft here where I lay
The sun shines bright this wondrous day
I ponder upon what held me fast
To those who kept me in my past
And there you came to take my hand
To lift me up and let me stand

How gentle your words, your loving kiss
Your eyes, your touch, your love I’ll miss
But time has come for me to break
The bonds that held not for my sake
Just me alone to take my step
To cleanse the pain that I have wept

Yet without you, I’d never know
How good the things that life can show
And so I say my time has come
To let you go to share with some
That needs you now though I will stay
Within the shadow, be that as may

Forever you will hold my heart
And never shall my love do part
For you alone will remain the flame
Your happiness always be my aim
Stay as you are, for you are truth
May your care and guidance always soothe

So now it’s time for me to fly
On my own, but tis not goodbye
You are within me as I have said
I'll walk the path that you have led
So think of this as sheer success
To know that you have truly blessed
The one that writes with pen in hand
The one who loves you until the end

I love you baby...forever

There’s a world that’s ours
And a world that is not
How I wish to live only
In what my heart has begot
But wherever you are, or where you exist
I see clearly now, is where I have missed
I cannot see, nor feel your pain
But I can stand by you this point and again
There is no one that I wish to know
But the man that you are, the you I love so
All I can do is to stand strong beside you
In silence, with love, wherever it leads to
No words I have, it may never come
But know this, my love, you will not come undone
Your strength is your glory, and forever you shine
Integrity, before you, forbearance in mind
My eyes glazed with true adoration abundance
Long for your embrace even only for once
And so I remain, standing still, just beside
Not asking for more, though your love may subside
But forever, I say, I know with my heart
I stand with you no matter, how far we will part.