please let me
d i s s o l v e
into
peaceful
o b l i v i o n
instead of this

some nights, you are the
only thing that gets me through
to the next morning.

sometimes i forget
how much i truly deserve to be happy
i am,
deep down,
a kind soul
and i care passionately about animals.
i am very politically aware
and i love my friends and would fight fiercely for them.
i make very good pancakes
and i speak up when i see wrong being done
just as much as i pipe down when i realize
that someone else deserves the spotlight.

so why am drowning?

each character
you have ever written
should mean something
irretractable
and purposeful

so if i could burn
each scrap and sheet
that held letters i never cared to write
fuel the fire with each pencil i've ever sharpened to the nub
and left myself only with the words i crafted
with care and precision

i would be at peace.

and he will fill up the word "love"

with everything he's ever known
and everything he's ever seen
and everything he's ever wanted

and he  will give it all to you

it will tumble out of his mouth
alcohol pushing each word into the cold air
where they will linger on small white clouds
"****" he'll mumble into the receiver
and he'll wait for you to hang up

your mouth will curl up
and you'll tell him
shut up, get home, you're drunk
but although your hands will be cold and damp
your heart, for the first time,

will be warm.

realistically,
you're so far from my grasp
and it kills me
every
*******
day
when i see your arms
(god, i love your arms)
around other girls
the skinny girls
and the pretty girls
and the not-me girls.