Once a while back,
When I was going through
A similarly dark time to this,
I wrote myself a phrase
To bide me through the days.

"For the Future"
I wrote.

In those three words
Lay a reason for me to go on.
Each day I survived,
Got me closer to the future me,
To the me I would love.

But now,
Just months later,
I've come to realize
How weak this brace is.

"For the Future"
Holds less meaning
When you see that the future is now.
The present becomes the past and now
The future is the present.
It all blends until there is no
Distinction.
The future me will not be different.
I will not love
The future me
Any more than I love
The present me.

The reflections
Of the earth
In the puddles in
Parking lots
In the swamps
Along the side of the road
In the streams
In backyards
The reflections
Of the earth
Seem to hold
A different kind of beauty.
The sky seems brighter
The colors more vibrant.
Everything seems clear.
How can I travel into
The reflection?
Maybe I'll just jump in
And let the water consume me.
And then I'll be in that
World.

It's not so much that I don't
Want them to know
But more that I don't
Want to become the center.

That's why it's ironic,
They feel the need to
Remind me
The world doesn't revolve around me.

I know.

The world doesn't revolve around me.
I discovered that at age 5
When I looked in the mirror and
Saw a face
I knew I'd never cherish.

The world doesn't revolve around me.
If the world revolved around me
I would be comfortable,
I would have just enough to bide me by.
I would be living out of my comfort zone.

The world doesn't revolve around me.
If the world revolved around me
People would be happy,
On earth there would be harmony,
On earth would be peace.
Every person on the face
Of the earth
Would be comfortable, content, and confident.
Living their dreams.

The world doesn't revolve around me.
If the world revolved around me,
The world would revolve around everyone.

And
The world doesn't revolve around everyone.
The world doesn't revolve around anyone.
The world revolves around the sun.

And maybe that's okay.

Autumn arrives
In all of her beauty
But below the festivities
There is a swirling mass of
twisted metaphors.

How long does it take a leaf
To lose it's life and fall to the ground?
How many days after the first glimpse of summer fading
Does the leaf begin to lose it's will to live.
For it to transform itself from green to red.
For it to give up clinging to the branch that supports its life.
For it to dry and crumble?
How many of those leaves go unnoticed?
Trampled by a passerbyer
Who gives no second thought
To the crunching the corpse creates.
Oblivious to the numerous
Skeletons beneath their feet.

I can never be sure
Which side will overtake me
Will I engage myself in the customs
The scent of candles and pie filling the house
The warmth of a cup of tea after a chilly walk
The laughter of a family reunited to feast on dinner around a large table
Or will I transcend into the
Swirling mass
Becoming lost in the metaphors
That represent my
Leaf
Of a life.

Pouring
Buckets of rain
Lightning cracking
Loud crashes of thunder
It's the night before halloween
And it's perfect
This storm
Deeply representing
Chaos
Identical to that of my life
I couldn't feel quite as connected
To any human being
As I do to this
Act of nature.

I used to think I had
No secrets.
I used to think I was
And open book.
That everyone knew everything.

Lately I've become just the
Opposite.
Everything about me is a
Secret.
No one knows it.
My parents can search my
Name all they want.
They'll never read into my words
Enough to see.
My friends can inquire
About my feelings
All they want.
They'll never get it
Out of me.
Not enough to see.

A detail here.
A detail there.
That's all they'll ever uncover.
They'll never dig up
Those deep, dark
Mysteries of me
That I cannot bear to write down.
Much less speak aloud.
Those enigmas that come
Bearing no adjectives,
No words holding the correct terms to define these feelings.

These secrets keep me up
At night.
These secrets keep me on
The run
For something more.

I thought I was in love with him
It's possible I was.
What's not discernible is
Whether I fell
Out of love
Or whether
We've just changed.

Has he always been
Just like this?
Such a fake?
Such a materialist?
Such a conceited being?
Was I blind?

I'm concerned that I wasted a
Year of my time
On someone that was
Already
Too far gone.
Someone who never had intentions
Of improving.

Was I blind?
Or has he gone down drain?
It's gag-inducing
Nauseating
Sickening
To listen to him speak
To watch him walk
His words bear no weight
Every syllable empty and meaningless
His personality is
A literal mask
There is no human within that
Costume.
There is no soul within that
Being.

That being.
That being that caused my
Infatuation.
A whole year.
If I could go back,
I'd learn quicker.
I'd see deeper
Sooner.
So much time wasted.
So many words wasted.

I don't want those 5 nickels
I want my time back.
You wasted my time.
You never had any intention of catching me.
You never had any intention of changing ways.
And now you're even
Worse yet.
Don't tell me that
You're trying.
Your words hold no meaning.
Utter nonsense.
It's all a lie.
You are a lie.