mariana: Poems

57 · Jul 2020

Untitled

mariana Jul 2020

Untitled

i see both sides like chanel

it's really all

but it's stealth

57 · Aug 2020

damn

mariana Aug 2020

****

what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing???

56 · Jan 2020

gravity

mariana Jan 2020

gravity

you start the day
with stretching,
yawning, trying to
wake up
what if you
can't wake up?
what if i
don't want to wake up?

maybe tomorrow
maybe friday?
how about never?
can i stay asleep?

#24 // writers block no more! i love you, 2020

54 · Sep 2020

i miss you

mariana Sep 2020

i miss you

i miss your lips against my skin
i miss your teeth biting my lips
i miss my hands running through your hair
i miss my eyes taking in every inch of you
every centimeter
the way you say "i love you"
the way you watch me as I get dressed
everything
i love your hands holding mine
i love your neck, especially when it has my marks
i miss you

number nine

54 · Sep 2020

My Sunshine (Part 12)

mariana Sep 2020

My Sunshine (Part 12)

when the rain falls
a star shoots through the black sky
the moon rises
the sun sets
and comes back around
you’re the first I think of
the first thought
is always the important one
this is why I write about you
my love
my sunshine
is it not obvious that I
myself
would walk the ends of the earth
just for you

I would search for new ways
to express my ever so deep feelings for you
just to let you know one thing
you really have me hooked
latched
so very attached into your being
I’ve found you at my darkest days
you saved me from myself
you gave meaning to everything I couldn’t understand
there were things I didn’t bother to disturb
but you give me the courage to do so

I’m a person with a wide taste in music
you know that
but there are songs that get on my nerves
and some that I can listen to
over and over again
and not get sick of them
you’re the reason behind those songs
you are what runs through my head
all the time
and I never get tired of you
I want you in my head

Part 12/18

53 · Jul 2020

i'm alive!

mariana Jul 2020

i'm alive!

haven't written poems in a long while
it's good to be back
i've been blessed with so many new things
even amongst this **** pandemic
i wish everyone safety and happiness

#does it even matter anymore?

53 · Jan 2020

flowers flowers

mariana Jan 2020

flowers flowers

flowers flowers
the earth below me
the sky above me
the sea around me
may i drown in your beauty?
"there is not beauty left" she replied
what can i do about it?
"nothing child, leave me be"
but i don't want you to die
"i don't want you to die either, child"
should we leave each other be?
"yes, it's for the best"
okay. alright.

written on December 12, 2019 during my physics class // #22

50 · Sep 2020

My Sunshine (Part 14)

mariana Sep 2020

My Sunshine (Part 14)

you’re the only thought I want running through my head
you’re the only echo I want ringing through my mind
when all I can think about
is how much I need you

what if we were as small as ants
or even smaller
just imagine where that could take us
we could be particles
floating through this toxic atmosphere
with nothing but each other
that’s something I’d want
all I want is you
and my hands in yours
your arms wrapped around me
your lips whispering in my ear
ever so gently
“everything’s going to be alright
like how the gray clouds go away
or how the very hard unexpected rain
will suddenly stop”
everything will be alright

every kiss is something I’ve been waiting for
the words you tell me make butterflies run throughout my body
every compliment
it makes me go crazy

you’re the only one I want touching me
you’re the only one I want wrapping his arms around me
you’re the one I want
and baby
I wouldn’t exchange you for anyone else
even Alex Turner
or Devon Bostick
you’re the only one who can make me feel this way

Part 14/18

50 · Jan 2020

my planet

mariana Jan 2020

my planet

tonight i shall ride the merry go round
sit down and watch the world i am in
yet through my eyes
all of the lights
tumbling around me
like watching the stars go spinning
it makes me sick
it makes me homesick
i want to be alone
back on my planet
where only i live
population: me
i love my planet
it does not suffer
for i know how to take care of it
it is a small planet
but it is enough for me
i do not want more nor less
my planet is enough for me
"what are you talking about, mariana?"
im talking about my room

#25

49 · Aug 2020

sad boy

mariana Aug 2020

sad boy

he crumples the note
of hate into a
ball, tossing it
into the trash bin.
the world doesn't
treat him right.
thoughts of consistent
loneliness fills
his innocent
thoughts
feelings of anger
and panic take
him whole.
hate for oneself
pins him down
he is mad
angry, panicking,
lost, aggrivated,
most of all,
sad.

number five // from my 2016 poem book

49 · Sep 2020

My Sunshine (Part 3)

mariana Sep 2020

My Sunshine (Part 3)

I am quite volatile
unpredictable
emotion-wise
I can be ecstatic at times
and then go blank and despondent
I become silent

and hopelessness
wraps itself around
my not so small frame
and when it does
it is like a boa constrictor
squeezing hard enough
to rupture my blood pressure
hopelessness is merciless when it comes to me

but sometimes
I am hopelessness
upon myself do I become a boa constrictor
upon myself do I become merciless
this is when I think that no one
not a single soul
can come and save me
except for one
and that one person
is you
my sunshine

the chances of me vanishing are high
at times of doubt
those possibilities rise like a tsunami
extremely dangerous and fatal
when I think about things like this
those chances, possibilities, probabilities
they’re all ever so exalted

Part 3/18

48 · Sep 2020

My Sunshine (Part 2)

mariana Sep 2020

My Sunshine (Part 2)

this all lead me to think
“i’m too troubled, don’t be my friend”
but I was wrong
I was lying to myself
I needed someone as much as I needed air
for someone like me
so troubled

having someone to talk to was so important
I needed to let out my feelings
or else i’d bottle them all up until the bottle overflows
and overflowing is cataclysmic
disastrous
catastrophic
deadly
just like my thoughts

there are no rainbows
without the rain
there are no plants
without the sunlight
there is no me
without you

meeting you was like finding that one book
the book you’ve been searching for in the library
for five hours
the book that had it all
everything you needed and needed to know

you
you are all I need
and all that I need to know
all that I need by my side
in my arms
against my small short self

Part 2/18

48 · Sep 2020

My Sunshine (Part 1)

mariana Sep 2020

My Sunshine (Part 1)

life before you was like a snail on the run
everything moved slowly and out of a straight line
I looked at straight lines
as if they were so very essential

if something wasn’t was going right
it wasn’t going in a straight line
and if something wasn’t going in a straight line
it would mean disaster
and disaster meant
that a life would be turned around

but then you came around
you were the miracle that pulled me out
of the dreadful ocean that I considered
nightmares and phobias

nightmares and phobias
were the things that kept me up at night
they were the people who
stared at me in public
who shouted at me
who left me all alone
without anyone else
not a shoulder to cry on
not a single word could be heard for miles

the loneliness that my nightmares and phobias left me in
stuck to me like gum stuck to a pair of converse
they dragged me down more until I couldn’t grab
onto anything
or anyone

"My Sunshine" will be a series, with 18 parts, welcome to Part 1. (Each part is a page)

This was a compilation of poems I made in April 2018. I've recently come across the file on my laptop and remembered how fun it was writing each stanza. Enjoy! If you have any questions please don't hesitate to dm me about it. Lots of love, Mariana.

48 · Sep 2020

My Sunshine (Part 4)

mariana Sep 2020

My Sunshine (Part 4)

like the jets that leave streaks of white in the sky
I will leave streaks of red on my body
these chances
I look at them like policemen
they abide the law and do what is right
giving false hope to the one who believes so much in them
at this point vanishing sounds nice

I’ve always thought of myself as a problem
I always looked at myself as troubled
a deranged little girl
in need of a friend or two
just someone to talk to
to open up to

I needed that feeling
of sticking a fork into an electrical outlet
that certain spark
I wanted to be that mosquito flying towards a deadly lamp
that spark
I saw it as a way out of this madness of mine
and this madness
my, was it besmirch

therefore take me in your arms
save me from this madness my love
this is no phase a mother would tell their daughters
to get out of just because they were at that age
where they start to think
“am I pretty enough?”
this drives me insane
into insanity
deep under the waves of dementia
dive in with me
let's be mad together
because here below the sound
where the light cannot reach
we’re all mad here
so why not be mad with me?

Part 4/18

26 · 3d

peril and thematic events, at twenty two

mariana 3d

peril and thematic events, at twenty two

it’s been a while
i never though i’d write again
let’s catch up shall we?
theres been a job i held for three years
theres a new job i love doing now
theres a want to move out and get a place of my own
theres a car that i’m in love with
theres a semester thats been finished
a few more to go

there was a guy
and another
and another
theres one right now, i really like him

there were a few pregnancy scares with the last guy
who was clearly not capable of being a father
(especially after i really sat down and thought about how much of an ******* he is)
there were lies and fights

but theres these three women and one man
that have had my back for the past two years
oh how i love them!
roman, andrea, jasmine, alexis
they light up my life
theres been drunk nights out
theres been dancing
some crying, breaking down, deep conversations
there was some hiking and parties
i would do anything for them

there was some grieving
my father
there were a lot of fights, yelling, breaking things
there were 5150s
then there was
nothing
there was a lot of crying
a lot of days taken off work
a funeral
there was an anger towards my mother because she didn’t show up

but then there was calm
there was realizing everything was going to be okay
there was a good feeling, a grand hope
there was letting go and trusting myself

there wasn’t anymore attempts to take my own life
there wasn’t anymore alcohol abuse
all the things i was doing when i was eighteen
i’m twenty two now, happy, proud, content

there was a lot of realization
there’s still going to be a lot of realization
there’s going to be a lot of growing
a lot of struggling, torment, and sacrifice
but i will get there
i am happy
but i will be even more happy
i will get there.

— The End —