Her eyes are stained glass.
Glazed over by the mocking past.
She wants a break,
But getting what she wants never makes.
She yells out "Why are you doing this to me anyway?"
Life takes this as a challenge and gives her a curse.
Who knew that her life could get any worse?
She sits at home
With a knife to her throat
The kiss of the blade
gives life a flame.
She feels more alive than the eagles soaring high.
What makes her sore,
Are the red drops falling from her neck to the floor.
She was meant to feel this way.
Everything in her life was leading up to this day.
She's too afraid to get away, even when her distance should be safe.
She watches through her window and sees tears falling from clouds needing a cheer up.
She feels like a cloud.
Overseeing every detail.
Filling with wet drops of emotion.
She can't continue to contain them.
When she lets it all out
She causes a conundrum:
Floods of anger and sadness
Tearing houses apart
Poor families effected by her dying heart.
Suddenly she gets caught in the wind,
It takes her around to places she's never been.
She wants to leave and be safe, but instead the wind chases her and closes off every escape.
They're going in circles,
Destroying things of those she thought she loved but can't have doing what she's done.
She regrets her self pity and her thoughts of "it's all about me."
She can't stop thinking about herself
and how she needs to hang her life up on a shelf.
She takes out her pills and lies on her bed until she's completely still.

My feet are on concrete.
I guess that means I finally left my bed.
I've lost all my dignity.
Will you please get out of my head?

You stay without paying rent.
It's not fair to me.
My mind is full of lint.
I don't remember you ever doing your own laundry.

I'm walking to your house.
God, this is embarrassing.
I'll try to be as quiet as a mouse.
I don't want to get caught reminiscing.

Is it bad that I still care?
I'm so bitter about it.
I'm running out of air.
I'm free falling into a pit.

Somehow you caught me.
I just can't forget.
Your eyes told me something,
And it was more than needing a cigarette.

You told me you were numb and empty.
I could hear it in your voice
And I told you I was so sorry,
But you chose to ignore the noise.

You said "I hate everything,
There's nothing left to love."
And again I'm so sorry
That I wasn't good enough.

I had a dream last night and in it you actually cared, but as I woke up in my bed, I understood that you were never really there. I went back to this memory of you and me, and we were dancing. So close and genuine; beautiful intimacy. Things are not always as they seem. So I walk outside and I come across a scene; I see a night full of stars who got burned chasing their dreams. It's not selfish to leave your own legacy so why does it come with such harsh extremes? I wish you were with me. I swear it's all I'll ever need. I miss the familiarity of our fingers intertwining and the prayers we said after sinning. Our faith pushed us through the evening. And now that you're gone, I just can't stop forgetting. I'm sorry for how I stopped believing because now all I'm doing is popping pills with Jesus on my mind and smoking menthols using ashtrays made of the only bible verses left that I can find.

Rules for punching walls:
one- every time you leave a knuckle imprint on the wall of where he once held your hand, it is just god saying you’ll succumb to giving him another chance.
two- every crack surrounding the holes is just a reminder that the little things add up and eventually become a religion that is also made only of broken promises.
three- the place where bruises covered your hands were supposed to be reserved for a ring when you got married but instead it got the clotted blood of jesus that he never shed.
four- the ligaments under your skin are only torn pieces of what was supposed to be a holy congregation but a rapture happened and now your mind is in sacred places.
five- don’t worry when people look at you like you’ve gone completely insane because that just means they’re finally living in your fantasy. there is no heaven or hell.
six- when your x-rays come in and you realize your entire hand is broken, give me all of the reasons why you ever loved him. was it all really worth it in the end?

I am empty and beyond hollow. I am a cave in which monsters dwell to wallow. They fill me with sour melodies that make it hard to swallow anything that isn’t as sweet as your words of honey. You don’t speak them to me as often as you used to and I’m wondering if it had anything to do with me not meeting up to your expectations. I think of all the times doubt was seeded in me and I couldn’t break the limitations. Anything that wasn’t more than what you wanted wasn’t worth your timely expenses. I’m sorry I keep apologizing in my head for all the wrong reasons, but my insides are shriveling and I am shrinking to nothing like you forced me to succumb to be because I know my words will never mean as much to you as they once had and the only thing that is comforting in knowing that is finally being able to destroy the life I once felt the need to have. Everything I once did was to please you because I loved it when you were happy but I wanted you to be happy because of me which is incredibly selfish and I’m sorry that I couldn’t forget about myself long enough to help you find real joy in something that was everlasting. I wanted to give you music and pieces of writing that could relate to you so you would feel better about who you were instead of being so hateful. I wanted you to understand that. You made me feel more alive and for that I was grateful but now I feel just as dead as I go down in a spiral.

The way I still cringe when I hear your name or tense up when I hear your voice makes me wonder when I finally became mentally insane. It’s only been a month and a half, but it feels like an eternity of emotional pain despite constantly swearing I’m inane. I’m in this trance where I keep repeating every memory between you and me, hoping to figure out where it all went wrong so I can gather the right tools for fixing but then I remember how I was only a pawn for your drawn out game of apathy and not caring. I’m sorry I was so useless when it came to trusting because you trusted me when I continued doubting and that ****** you off because no one was the least bit understanding but I think I’m more understanding now because I know how tough it is when you’re trying everything by becoming the person that they’ve been begging you to be, but they’re too obstinate to be convinced that you are capable of actually caring enough to be redeemed. And god, I’m so sorry that while you were struggling, I was playing with my inconsistency and constant insecurity and entitlement to your attention and affection even though it made you uneasy. Things would have been so easy if I wouldn’t have ruined everything and I hope you also miss the way things used to be. I wish things would still be the way they were, but when the tools needed for fixing are broken too, the final product isn’t worth as much as something that is brand new.

My roots are depression
And my heart is rejection
My limbs are falling
In every direction

I'm planting a forest
Full of dead trees
My soul was dearest
Before my life started shattering

There are animals living inside me
They're all rabid beasts
You were important to me
Before they made me stop caring

Night lock is growing inside me
And throughout my body
I know I'm becoming deadly
It's inevitable, you see

I am bearing poisonous berries
And the animals can't stop feeding
It's an endless cycle
Of my inside's internecine

I hear birds chirping
They must've broken their wings
They want to get rid of me
So they start clawing

I'm ready for some peace
But my grave is too shallow
Where will they bury me
I've become so hollow

They'll burn me instead
And the forest that lies within
Soon I'll be burnt to ashes
And be nothing but dead