In one month, I have been lucky enough to breathe far from the small town  sometimes hesitate to call home

In Rome, the street lamps were endless and oozed romance like handsome strangers serenading in front of restaurants, and my name bouncing off all those brick walls, even the alleys begged my glance for just a little bit longer

On the nights where the rain beating against the brick walls blended in with our sleepy chaos, I could see myself crumbling into every corner of this country. I could melt into the rain, and ******* did I ever want to.

And I think I left my heart somewhere between the crumble of Pompeii to the rooftops of Sorrento, maybe somewhere on the cobblestone of Orvietto or the puddles of Rome , on the bridges of Florence, between all those hushed conversations, maybe while all held on to each other, honestly at this point I can't say I care to remember.

Now south where it taste like home, and this altitude high swings my hips like nothing else I've ever known, I walk with the rhythm of my family's stories on these very streets, and I like the bit of grown I've only but tasted. And this all too latin warmth could swallow me up if I let it.


And I just might let it.

I used to miss him so much it hurt, so much  I could feel it on my skin, so much I felt completely empty, so much it kept me awake, so much I could cry,

and I did
and I'm not sorry for that

The heartbreak hit the hardest on the third day, and it shook me up more than I knew it could, I didn't think I would ever feel so broken

and I did
and I'm not ashamed of that anymore

Wanting someone so much, it stings is the most exhilarating madness I've ever known
There is something that makes you whole, when you're with someone like that

but loneliness is a cold heartbreaker, and it leaves you breathless and bruised

It takes every bit of logic from you, its the kind of madness that you cannot write yourself out of


And for a while he was my favorite person, and all I ever wanted to do was kiss him

                                                                                
                                                   for a while he was someone I could not let go of

To be in your arms again would be the most satisfying mistake

the sweetest of all sins

And my chest fatigues at wanting the things I cannot have like crazy

Nowadays you look at me sparingly and with an exasperating fury I know must wear you out too

And I have heard nothing but barely there questions and cut throat silence from you
I am starting to believe that you really don't care anymore and I'm wondering, does that scare you as much as it scares me? Because I am shaking in my skin, in my bones, when you shoulder blades tense up at the mere fact of my existence.

Thinking of your gentle smile, of your chocolate eyes is the **** most poetic way I've known regret and self loathing. I remember how you and I used to melt into each other but nowadays it seems like you want me to melt into the cracks in the side walks, it seems like you want me to just simply dissolve into the pavement.
                                                       ­       to disappear.

You shake your head every time I dare open this mouth you once kissed and I know **** well that I'm still pretty funny. So If my humor hasn't changed, maybe your taste in opinions has.

And I don't really know what that means yet.

To be on your lips would be the most enjoyable movement of my downfall
And you have established of being text book definition bad for me.  
You could set fire to all the poetry I wrote of you with the remnants of your burning tongue.
We have already ran circles around our new routines, you sit on the opposite side of the room farthest from the aura of my perfume and I laugh almost every time desperately trying to numb the short tempered tightness in my chest that is too stubborn to ******* leave already. You hand her your jacket and I close my eyes, humming my new favorite songs, you hand her a whiteboard and I pretend I didn't just see that smile, I know that smile, I was that smile. I close my eyes and hum a different song.

I'm starting to believe that you really don't care anymore, and the sad part is that if I really want to move on I have accept that you aren't gonna say any kind words to me from now on.  You see after the apologizing, after the anger  works its way through you, and you get real tired of fighting, all you have left is sadness and burnt up words. And I've never thought of that as any version of beautiful so anything I say just sounds repetitive.  

I'm starting to believe that your never gonna care again, and that your gonna keep hating me from an uncomfortably safe distance, and I keep wondering If that scares you as much as it scares me.
I am not impervious to your words and I hear them from everyone you've demonized me to,


                                                              ­                             and they **burn.

Even now in the cold, I count on the days your eyes are a little bit more forgiving

Even now in the cold, I wait for you, and I know I should bury my sword already but I can't

I count down the days for something to happen, for anything to happen, I miss the myths you used to tell me
There are nights when the air grows stiff with silence, and even then my heart hurts half empty
and my knees still sometimes quiver at the sight of you and I know now that I should bury my sword deep into the ground, it has lost almost all its glory and I am tired of feeling heavy with it.
My mouth grows bitter thinking how you used to touch me like that, how you used to look at me like that and I feel like burning the pages of a book I've been written out of.
You are happy now, and you are without me.
And I have been trying keep my head up, I have been trying to not let my thoughts become daggers

**I do not wait for you anymore for your eyes have never even flickered forgiveness, your eyes have only reflected criticism.
I do not miss the lies you told me, or your burning tongue

The snow shimmers in the night, and the moon kisses my driveway endlessly, I have slept without interruption.
My fist grows red hot at the sight of you, it craves connection with your jaw.
I wrote you out of all my favorite lyrics, I am not bitter, I am honest
I am happy now, and you are without me.

Let me tell you about trust and how easy it shatters

There is a fine line between resentment and rudeness and we ended up dancing right on it from the way everything fell.

I wish to be rid of you, to scrub even the finest dust of you from my shoes, I can dust you off without flinching nowadays

Let me tell you about how I light up a ******* room and it is down right shame you have shut yourself into such darkness

Do you hear yourself asking for me now?
Let me tell you about shoulder blades and rib cages and how they are so much stronger than what you imagine
I have carried the weight of two worlds on my shoulders and I have the bruises to prove it.
May my walk paralyze you over and over and over, I can undo you with the flick of a hip, make a mantra of me, its about time you learned a thing or two

There is a fine between loneliness and missing you, and I ended up dancing right on it from the way things fell

But I know my place,





                                                                                       and **I. stand. alone.

She always held herself with the dignity of having a thousand masterpieces hanging from her lips but She never let me stand close enough to hear them
She was good at speaking from a safe distance like that

And as I stood with my toes curled over the edge of loving, she peered down the cliff and asked me if the fall was worth the raging waters
She tried to teach me the difference between love affair and romance, unzipping each word telling me  how some lies are still worth believing, when the truth is still to bitter to swallow whole.

She told me how the windchill can steal all the warmth right out of you, how it even leaves your mouth shivering and empty

I have written enough about it now to know you can see it in someones hands
I have written enough about it now to know you can taste it on someones words
And we stood there on that cliff until the whisper of dusk finally left our lips and my fingers began to turn blue

On the nights I woke up empty, she told me that the darkness swallows up light without even asking its name so don't you dare expect a roll call now. There is no welcome mat outside of 3am but we laid outside the door anyways and she let the sky paint me pictures

On the nights I woke up cold, she reminded me that hands are only as good as what you choose to hold on to, she always said there was some kind of art into weaving your hands into somebody else's. It was the one thing we agreed on.

She said I had a shimmer she couldnt trust just yet but on the night I couldn't read poetry she let me sit next her, she told me that the thing about people and metaphors is that we all need at little editing
and we could all use a little bit more work.

I think you should know that when I say something stupid I do it because it makes you laugh
Sometimes I think that maybe, if not during, but maybe in between those moments where your chest shakes at my clumsiness, you'll think I'm cute again.

The first time you broke my heart I tried to ignore it, like maybe if you never happened, if  I never even stopped to think about it, I wouldn't ever feel empty.
So picked up speed barely stopping to breathe
  I didn't want to feel what it was to be broken
And I felt myself too young to make an mantra of you just yet
It was nine days before freshman year and I couldn't afford to look weak, but the wind beneath my wings teased the open wounds with a bad taste and you told me you missed me before I fell out of the sky.

      Sometimes I wonder if we would have started differently would you still be by my side

The second time you broke my heart, I knew it was coming from the way it sat on my chest
And I tried to love myself back together but ****** kid, its like you knew exactly how to undo me
And I wanted to burn every song that made me think of you but they kept on playing new ones the radio until every love song made me want to cry. And I thought the wind would come for me again.

The second time you broke my heart, I wasn't nearly naive enough to try to pretend it wasn't happening. I let myself feel every vibration from each word that said I never made you happy
And I didn't understand how you got to be such a good liar.
I still turn off the radio when love songs come on sometimes but I've stopped waking up empty from thinking of you
                                                             ­                so I think thats fair


When you kissed me, I almost couldn't help but kiss you back, but I couldn't sell my soul to cheap teenage instinct like that. So if being friends with you means you calling me stunning, Ill take it but I don't trust it.

Yesterday you said I made you happy, and I still have hard time trying not to believe you