I have an answer for you
you're going to ******* hate it

antidepressants, dear.

they take away the pain, the fight, the gain
the storms, the mountains, the warmth
they make you numb

but numb is such a finer place to be
wouldn't you agree?

Did I make the most of loving you?
The words, in a song, stop me cold
Hot tea, mid sip
I remember this summer
Humidity rising
Iced tea on the balcony
Your smile was so pained
You knew what I didn’t
You knew then what I’m going through now
I will always regret not kissing you in August
And in June I’d said it’d be the summer of no regrets

Now it’s the kind of cold that makes
My exposed skin hurt
So I bundle up tighter
Close my eyes to the wind that gives them tears
And on my eyelids, I see this past summer
But it still hurts because I’m looking back
Not forward
Never forward
I can’t.
So many things were left unsaid.

'Maybe I don't have a heart' she said
and leaned against my shoulder on the bed
her eyes were soft
I'd never seen her like that before

The wind in the hall caressed us
A winter here would test us
It got so cold so fast
I couldn't even wish for snow

Her tears fell with ease
wouldn't freeze
against the stone of her face
cheeks warm with artifice

I loved how it was raining.
I loved how you were here.
Or almost was. In my mind.
I wanted you to be.
But hadn’t I learned life
wouldn’t give me everything I wanted?

You would if you could but you cant.
I keep telling myself that, love.
Even if it isn’t true, the element that is
truth keeps me going. Slightly.
Because sometimes I fall. And crash.
And burn. And cry. And want
things I can’t have.