I will never be that girl.
I will never have blonde hair, pink nails, red lips.
I don't have a cosmo in my oversized coach bag.
I bite my nails, I get bug bites, I pick at them.
My face is splotchy and I don't cover it up with make up.
I sneeze and throw up and get infections.
I fall down.
I will never have a bikini body.
I wear a bikini anyway.
I have freckles, scars, scabs, and I'm so pale that you can see every blue vein in my body.
My handwriting looks like that of a 5 year old boy.
I will never be the girl in the pink summer dress with the high heeled sandals.
My room is a mess.
My car is a mess.
My brain is a mess.
I say things like "I wonder what human tastes like."
I freak out over a home made Ouija board that I didn't even use.
Then I go watch the scariest movie I can find.
I used to sleep with a Freddy Kruger doll.
I root for the bad guy.
I'm stubborn.
I'm angry.
I'm aggressive.
I'm passive aggressive.
I'm damaged goods.
I will never be that perfect embodiment of woman.
Blonde hair, dresses, heels, white teeth, positive outlook.
I'd rather be friends with my books than actual people.

And you love me anyway.

the heavenly vision of your face smiles down on me
your brown eyes shine with mystery and desire
they pierce through all of my disguises and you see me
and you're the only one who can strip my soul bare

oh god, I can smell you in my clothes
that intoxicating scent that fills my senses
and brings me back to moments with you
moments you spent making sure I'd remember

the taste of your kiss lingers on my lips making them tingle
they long to be kissed by you again
each time our lips meet we are one heartbeat
connected for an instant and a lifetime

to hear you speak is to hear music from the angels
your voice consumes me until your words alone control me
your sweet whispering melody washes over my soul
bathing me in radiating warmth

I can feel your breath on my neck
promising me boundless ecstasy and filling me with anticipation
one caress of your gentle hand and my walls tumble down
my threshold is breached and the flood gates are open

I figured it out. Why I  love you so much and why I hate myself for it. I really am disgusted at how I let you treat me. Last time we broke up it cut me deep, I didn't get over you for a long time. I cried myself to sleep for well over 2 months. You ripped my heart out and left me empty. True, I moved along to other things, other people, but you were always there. You were hiding in the hole where my heart used to be. You put me through hell and then just when I was getting used to being without you, you decide that you want to see me again. You get close to me, you let me kiss you, you kiss me back and pretend that it means something  to you. You let me start loving you again and for a while things are good, you tell me that the world makes sense now and things feel right. ****, I just can't resist those beautiful lies, so I believe you and I let my guard down. Bad idea, just when I get brave enough to trust you with things I can't tell anyone else you run away. You can't be with someone so far away. I'm too damaged, you can't fix me so why waste anymore time on me. So you stop caring altogether. I accept that you won't be mine, I try to be just your friend but, every time I talk to you you act like I'm keeping you from so much more important things. So I stop talking. I think of you and sit silent. And that's when it happens. . . inspiration. I write. And that's why I can love you and hate you at the same time. I hate you because of what you put me through, and I love you because what you put me through gives me the insight to create. You're my muse. Anything I've ever created that was worth being created was inspired by you. So, I'm going to keep loving, you'll never be able to stop that. And when I write my first play/novel/book of poetry I'll make sure to send you the very first copy, make sure you read the dedication, "To my beloved muse, thank you for shattering my heart and letting what was inside of me out"

More than Dido, whose love was sparked by Gods. More than Helen whose love fueled ships and fell the walls of Troy. Unmatched by the passion of Francesca thrown about on endless winds. Thicker than the flames that licked through Cleopatra's heart. Deeper than the hell into which sank jilted Phaedra. Such is my love for you.

How do I say it so that you can hear me?
I can't yell if my lungs won't fill
My heart is swollen and throbbing weakly
Prolonging the charade of life
I can't tell you what I want if you think you already know
My destiny is in your hands and you're squeezing
I'm waiting for you to decide what's best for me
My mouth won;t make the sounds to tell you
I don't need your ring or your paycheck or your baby
I just need your hand and your heart next to mine

Poor little lost girl. The brightness is gone. No more green and gold, they've been replaced by greys and blues. She's been abandoned, cut off from her final connection to the world outside. She has no one to tie her to the earth. And so she floats among the rain clouds and looks down at all the people holding hands and being human, and she cries, and the clouds cry with her. She cries and the heavens pour out over the people who run and jump and dance at their luck and prosperity. They'll never know what was sacrificed from them to bring such good fortune. Poor little lost girl drifting alone through the air, she knows that if she could just touch down she would be connected again, she could feel her heartbeat again and everything would be fine. But she can't reach the ground and no one is paying enough attention to know that she needs to be plucked from the sky. There is no one willing to climb up and pull her down from between the burning stars. Poor little lost girl.

I'm lost
Out to sea, treading water
The fish pass by and ask
"Can I help?"
No, no, just swimming
They say "don't worry,
It gets easier, you'll drown soon."
And my tears make the sea swell
The shadows circle below me
The sun beams and smiles
My skin cracks and shrivels
I drift farther and farther
Pulled this way and that
By the riptide you threw me into
I dip beneath the waves
I'm thrown about and drown a little
I succumb and feel the blackness swell
I thrash and reach the surface again
I wheeze, I cough, I sob
And I will never stop trying to reach you
I will swim to your shore
Or I will sink in your ocean

How can it be that I can feel every beat of my heart resonating through me like church bells and still feel like there's an empty hole where my heart should be? I'm hollow except for the pain, the phantom pain like that of an amputee clutching a shattered limb and stretching fingers that will only ever again touch in his mind. The heart that you took with you when you left me still pumps and stings but won't feel anything real ever again. And I'm proud. Proud of how I lost my heart to you in the heat of battle, the heat of passion. I'll tell war stories to the neighborhood kids sitting on my front porch and I'll show them the scars from where you cut out my heart. And then at night I'll open my window and look up at the moon, I'll look up at the same moon that you see and I'll smile because somewhere out there you have my heart on your shelf, a trophy of your first conquest. And though I've lost the war I revel in the fact that I was important enough for you to conquer, that I was enough of a challenge to be your first triumph. I can only hope that when you tell your war stories the story of your first win will be as glorious as the story of my final defeat.

Everything's faded
I wanna be sedated
Through blurry eyes
I can see I've been baited

Fell into your trap
You tighten the strap
Til I'm bound in your web
There's no turning back

I was too naive
I thought you'd never leave
Though you broke my soul
You still made me believe

Now I sit waiting
The world's disintegrating
Into oblivion
Into my self-hating. . .

Those should be my shoulders your arm is around

That should be my heart that you're making pound

It should have been me you were holding tight

I should have been in your arms tonight

I tried so hard to make you see

I LOVED you and wanted you to love me

I ignored the truth and the good advice

I was sure it was real and I didn't think twice

I put every bit of my trust in you

I did everything that you asked me to

I followed you blindly with an open heart

Your beautiful deception alive from the start

You clouded my mind and I thought you were true

Distracted me while you did what you do

You tore out my heart and you slaughtered my soul

Now all I have is this great gaping hole

And everyone can see through me

Into everything you wanted that I couldn't be. . .

I spent last night
clutching a pillow
that wasn't you

And praying
that your skin
is more delicate

So that next time we collide
you can bleed for me
like I bled for you

And we can be
whole again
like when we first started

I need a hit
It's been far too long
Since you pumped through my veins
It seems like a lifetime ago
That I felt your delicious sting
And yet the needle is still warm
From the last time I had your drug
I'm still bleeding
From the hole your love tore through my skin

Hold me down and find the nerve
The one that only you can control
Do your worst
And it will be the best I've ever had
Hurt me, burn me, make me feel *****
Keep me on edge and ruin my life
And I will thank you for it
Because nothing can be as maddening
As being without you

I feel like a monster
torn apart from the inside out
this emptiness is all-consuming
stretched and ripped to fit your mold
I'm trying
to be what's needed
to be what's expected
I fill my days with running and screaming
and they all look and clap and say "isn't she adorable!"
I pull out my hair
I cry and bleed
and still the applause
I'm a game, a toy, a novelty
never having a real purpose
I'm loved and cherished and cast aside
for some new plaything with substance
and I have no one to blame but myself
I made myself hollow so you could fill me with life
but you have no life to give
for me. . .

I'm screaming on the inside for you to help me
The blood drips onto idle hands
Hands that are clawing from the inside out
I yell and curse and bleed and cry
And you see smiles and bright eyes
You see the facade, the shell, the cage

And he sees the animal
He sees the rage and the tears and the bleeding gashes
And he unlocks the door and comes to me
With water and bandages
He lifts my broken head and caresses to stop the keening
Shows me beautiful things and nurtures back my health
And he loves me
And I'm his
And it's quiet

No more sad songs
No more tears
No more worries
No more fears
You broke my heart
You made me cry
I couldn't breathe
I wanted to die
You showed me things
I shouldn't have seen
You took me places
I shouldn't have been
I can't believe it
I fell again
The reckless traps you set
You win
That's right you're gone
But what can I do?
There's nothing to say
I DON'T miss you!

If tomorrow I wasn’t there
Would you wonder? Would you care?
Would you cry and reach for me?
Would you fall down on your knees?
If I never got to grow old
If I wasn’t there to hold
Would you even shed a tear?
Is this something that you fear?
Would you notice I was gone?
Would it take time for you to move on?
Or would you forget me the moment you heard
As soon as you knew that my life and been blurred
Would you look up to heaven and picture me there?
With a harp and some wings and a halo in my hair
Would you talk about good times that we had together?
About how I would smile no matter the weather?
Would you close off my bedroom and never go in?
Would you kneel down at night and pray for my sins?
Would the memories fade like a slow burning ember?
Do you think if I died anyone would remember?

I'm better now
I won't do it again
And I have these scars to remind me
That when no one else saw me, you did
And you saved me from myself
Just by being you
You make me want to be pretty
You make me want to be good
Good enough for you
Because you're too good for me
You're more than I deserve
But I'm not complaining
I would give anything
To be able to spend every second
By the side of the man that held me
When the world wasn't listening

I'm falling asleep but I don't care
because each time my eyes close it pulls you to me
I see your face and I fall
to sleep, to you, I sleep in the
warmth of your gaze
you're not here, but you're there
in my heart and my dreams
and I'm still falling
closer with each thundering heartbeat
I feel your hands slide over my skin
I sink and I fall and I shudder
and your breath flows like silk
into my subconscious, lulling me
closer to sleep and you
I open my eyes one last time
and your smile shows me that
I have fallen not to sleep. . .
but in love

How do you wake up? Get dressed? Go to work?
How do you wash your hair? Brush your teeth?
How do you live without your heart?
How do you believe when everything around you is crumbling?
How do you make a wish when everything you wanted is already gone?
How does life go on when the life you were living is no more?
How do you heal when you want this open wound more than anything?
How do you pretend you're still a person?
How do you not think about killing yourself?
How do you make it stop?

We had it all, we were gonna be forever
You held my hand through the stormy weather
I was your only one and you were mine
You said you loved me nearly all the time

You slipped away, you were never there
I should have realized you were so unfair
I gave you things you should never have had
I gave you the power to make me sad

You made me think that I was wrong
You made me write these lonely songs
But never again will you make me cry
I'm gonna spread my wings and fly

You'll never make me doubt myself again
I'm gonna stand strong surrounded by my friends
I'm so much better without you
You're a weight off my shoulders, so glad that we're through

I'm finding myself now, I'm spreading my wings
I'm moving myself onto MUCH better things
You're gonna be sorry you hurt me so bad
I'll be the best thing that you never had

So think of the one who's heart you thought you shattered
Think about how it's now YOUR life that's tattered
Think of all the love that you threw away
And how I won't be in your arms today

I'm peaceful inside now I'm through being weak
I don't mention your name now each time I speak
I deserve better than what you have to give
I can't believe you made me question my right to live!

It's all over for you now and I'm moving on
You'll never have something this good again, that's right I'm gone!

Did you really want to see me?
Or did you just need some company?
To help you warm the lonely night,
To help you ease the pain inside
You make me believe that your love is true
But the next day I don't hear from you
Or the day after that or the day after that
You build me up til I'm ready to crack

What are you trying to do to me?
There's something hidden and I can't see
So pull me closer, keep me strong because
By the morning tonight will be gone

The way your lips caress my skin
The taste of love's most precious sin
Makes me forget all the mess in my head
As long as I'm lying with you in your bed
I could sleep all day in your warm embrace
I could lose my mind in outer space
Then you pull your arms away
And to think, this time I thought you'd stay

What are you trying to do to me?
There's something hidden and I can't see
So pull me closer, keep me strong because
By the morning tonight will be gone

Can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe, can't feel
Keep telling myself that it isn't real
All I see is your face when I close my eyes
When you walk right by me a part of me dies

What are you trying to do to me?
There's something hidden and I can't see
So pull me closer, keep me strong because
By the morning tonight will be gone....

Throughout the mask of day they see the giver of advice,
The rock, the courage, the strongest girl, they never think twice
About the girl she is inside and what she wants to see,
About the times she cries at night over what she'll never be
She listens when they need her and she holds her pain inside,
She stands up for the others when the others run and hide.
She embraces every lost soul who comes crying to her door
She's kept their secrets for a thousand years and will keep them a thousand more
The things they take for granted are the things that she does best
She wants to be the same and gain respect from all the rest
But she'll never be like them, she'll be what she doesn't want to be,
She'll keep it locked inside of her she'll only be......
Me

I know what I said
I changed my mind
I've tried so hard
To put you behind

I want to forget you
I want to be mad
I just can't forget
All the good times we had

You made me laugh
You made me smile
I hadn't felt that
In a very long while

I don't know what happened
What pulled us apart
We had a connection
From the very start

You gave up on me
You gave up on us
I should be angry
I should make a fuss

Yet all I can do
Is sit here and cry
I can't believe
You won't even try

I have to move on now
And get over you
I still can't believe it
We really are through. . .