A drizzle, soft
touches the earth
with thousands of palms

A hurricane
with love held from
within the earth
can move mountains

I can only
hope to touch you
with such
dualities

tiles
stacked in rows
of 3 or 4
dust and hair
collected
in a gallery of
memories
like finger
prints on the wall
from the time
you touched
so much more than
the front gates
and with love
lost
I cannot find
comfort
no safety of warm fires
and no protection from rain
just

my empty stomach
full hands

I'm always
teetering on
the edge of escapism
and the firm grounding
of an embrace

last night, i realized
that i had become emotionally unavailable
and also that
my fingernails had gotten too long.

i clipped my nails and went back to bed.

you don't get permission to spiral out of control
just because it's october.
you don't have time to wax poetic about your soul falling out through your fingertips
or whatever words fit the you you're wearing this week.
**** it up.
drink some coffee.

this will be over by christmas.

whenever i think about how lucky i am
that i rode my addiction to rehab
instead of to the morgue,
something swimming up the channel in my spine whispers,
    *"there's still time."

i thought your name would be seared into my heart
like a brand
or written across my chest forever
like a tattoo

turns out, it was just scribbled on my forehead in sharpie
like a ****

I've been wasting fall, preparing for the winter.
and it ***** to miss out on the best season,
but I just know that winter
will be so **** cold.

happiness starts with some weird chemical reactions
in the brain and is carried by electrons
where it ends with some weird tension
of the muscles around the mouth but I
learned in electronics that electrons
will only travel in a complete circuit
   so logically:
if I smile, I should feel happy but
        it doesn't work

and I've spent too long thinking
that I'm too privileged for my
depression to be real.

at least when you leave,
my (previously our) room
won't look too different, because
you never bothered to move in the things
that make a place home.
I'll fill the empty drawers somehow.

I know that I need to be stronger and I try but
          it doesn't work

and trying gets hard when my eyes are so dry
and trying gets hard when the crickets are so loud
and trying gets hard when my body
   is in so much ******* pain all the time

I wish you had gotten me
  an anniversary present.

I wish you would call me
so I could know for sure you didn't
die in a tragic car accident.

   I'd give you everything I've got,
for a little piece of pie.

every time I wake up without you
is another tiny heartbreak
  but how many tiny heartbreaks
   does it take to add up to one more
noticeable? how many lonely mornings can I...

unpacking my stuff/moving in
I'm leaving 3 drawers and part of the closet empty
so you have room for your stuff and I wonder
if I'll fill them after you leave
or if the space between my clothes
will be a reminder of your ghost


being busy is good.  being busy
means less time to think about ...

I'm going to learn how to ride a bike.
I'm going to learn how to ride a bike.
I'm going to learn how to ride a bike.

I really like the way you look sitting in this bed
with the sunlight creeping through the window shades
and giving you tiger stripes
but you like couches better

"I can't wait-"
but you will.
You don't have a choice.

when birds begin to
lose feathers
they sit
in red
they wallow in home
in nettles
and leaves
and hair from brushes

they bathe in
bones
and rosewater