a constant denial of everything that matters
has left me shooting blanks
a silence canvases my life, so full of sound
at least it used to be
now i am left here at peace with myself,
with my eternal surroundings
no need to fight, no begging to hide
i expose myself to the elements
a placid calm, drifting in sunlight
poised in waves, serene moonlight
tranquil whispers in my ears
is it you who calls to me so?
i would run to you,
but i would rather float.
and so i float.
a silence once so deafening,
is soothing.
i can not recall a time so simple.
i do not ignore the complications,
they simply do not matter,
when you are near.

I was eclipsed by you.
You came into my life
and extinguished the world I knew.
When I awoke from the dream,
I was transformed.
I opened my eyes and truly saw for the first time.
The blind, with renewed vision.  
A miracle, and no less.
I could breathe for the first time.
All weight was lifted from my chest.
Expectations and reputations, demolished.
I filled my lungs with you.
I inhaled your beauty.
I reached out my hands.
I could feel!
Oh, I could feel!
It was so real, it was magic.
I held you,
and so I held the world within my grasp.
I had only touched disappointment and lies
Before that day.
There was warmth,
You lit me on fire.
The ice thawed from my heart
And melted my walls.
I was free!
You were the one that found the key I had hidden.
I buried it beneath the earth,
Or at the bottom of the ocean,
But you found me.
You unlocked me from my prison.
I was eclipsed by you.
When the sun returned to its place in the sky,
The world looked completely new,
Under the renewed lights.

Nothing could ever compare to the beauty I saw
When you opened my eyes,
and I saw you seeing me.
The image is burned in my retinas.
And now, forever, I shall see you.
Never again to be blinded.

Why?
Why did you leave?
Why was I not good enough?
Because someone told you so?
I was not perfect, and I never claimed to be,
But I loved you
With every ounce of my being.
I was so good to you.
All my bad habits dissipated at your touch,
Your eyes absolved my sins.
My past was erased at the sound of your voice.
When you said those three words,
That changed my life.
You were the best person I knew.
A true heart of gold,
With no deception.
What has happened to you?
Did I do this?
Is everything truly my fault?
I refuse I refuse I refuse.
I was so good to you.
You promised me a future.
You promised me a family.
You promised me a ring.
You promised me you.
Now everything is gone,
But still you remain.
You remain the lighthouse of my life,
Guiding me safely away from harm,
Yet ever further away from love.
Love can't live here anymore.

A moment in time.
A single decision,
Never knowing where it leads.
Unable to discover,
That it has changed your life
Forever.
Until there is no return,
You are there.
You are permanently altered.
Never able to go back,
To the way things were before.
This is your life now.
For better or for worse.
You are married to your choices.

Secrets seeping through my lips
Ill try to sew them shut.
Your hands are running down my legs
Ill try to keep them shut.

I'd give you my tortured heart
Place it in your hands to hold.
You always thought I was beautiful
You always held me,
Always yours to hold.

I can't escape your eyes,
your cerulean gaze will follow me forever.
In every intractable stare,
I'm left paralyzed by the innocent.
I hope I know not of enmity.
I cannot bear the impending guilt.
They are innocent.
They must be born innocent.

Every melody that invades my ears,
I hear it in your voice.
I can veritably feel my heart break.
Once again, entirely over again.
If they echo you, could I bear it?
I have no other choice.
For they are a part of myself.
The most important part of myself.

*******, you're beautiful.
To me, you're everything.

everywhere i turn you haunt me
you follow me to no end,
from which there is no escape.
how can there be closure?
my heart i would gladly give to another
but you won’t return it to me
the gift i gave you once
ever unappreciated
you were always so undeserving
the reason for your absence
i have come to understand
you’re a time bomb, ticking
an enemy ship, sinking
potential without ambition
is me without my heart.
so please,
give it back to me now.
you have no use for it,
anyways,
and i must save myself.

i am frozen
my extremities are numb
the world passes slowly by
but i’m lost in this moment with you
your touch chills
yet warms me to the depths
further seeking never more
for each day spent, i am renewed
cold and lost
until i heard your voice
it seared through every pain
and i knew then, you felt it too
loss of words
seeking breath to speak
to share with you every ounce of joy
only knowing
only saying
only
waiting for the day we say “i do”.

Lost in the dark
Searching for anything at all
Grasping at any ray of light
You can't find your way
Led astray by broken promises
Your love will be your downfall
Join them, join them
In darkness.
Why lead your life this way
When you could feel like they do?
Nobody is whole.
We are all shells
Of the people we want to be
We know not of happiness
We are the generation of lost souls.
Unmet expectations
and
Broken hearts
Are what define us.

i feel a warmth,
a light radiating from the unknown
i know not where it comes from
what it means, or what its message is
yet it comforts me.
i feel, for the first time,
that everything is going to be alright
no knowing how,
only what is, and what will be.
i embrace the warmth,
let it melt away the past
the pain slowly flows away
emanating waves of facility
i am the picture of calm
of happiness and hope.
i am alive.

I can't keep holding on to you
I can't keep deceiving myself
How desperately I wish we still could be
Time is passing.
I never imagined a life without you
But you discarded me
And then siphoned through the rubble.
You brushed me off
But I'm still *****.
I never really cleaned myself off
I never wanted to wash away your scent
That lingered on my skin.
Time is passing.
I've clung to every part of you that remains
I can't move on when I know that you still love me,
Want me,
When you still give me any semblance of hope.
But I can't let go of the world I knew
It was so beautiful.
It's like fighting gravity
You can't fight love.
And so I'll suffer.
Always longing,
Never whole.

The inate beauty of human nature
Lies within our unique differences
And our ability to love passionately
So
Never fit in
And
Never settle
Your beauty is too wonderful to waste.

your demeanor ever darkening
raining misery with every step you take
a thundercloud eclipsing the sky
pillaging oxygen from the trees,
the breath away from all forms of life
i can’t breathe, i can’t breathe
inexplicably i’m being pulled closer
with every step i try backing away
you’re a magnet, a black hole
i fear i can never escape you
i need an escape, i need an escape

i tried to save you
but you wouldn’t hear a word
you closed your eyes
sewed them tight
you refused to see the beauty in this world
(so i saved myself)

your screams are running through the airwaves
and nothing has ever sounded more beautiful
i could never forget the way you looked that night
when our eyes locked, yet the moment fades

i was searching for an escape babe
yet sobriety’s never been more coveted  
your bittersweet melodies freed me on that night  
you overtook me, and i was saved.

you never know
what it is that you crave
what it is that you
desire
even when it’s staring you down
your blue eyes watering under its gaze
you could have anyone, anything you
desire
but that just makes it so much harder
you’ve always got what you wanted
which takes away from the beauty of
desire
it all starts to lose meaning
when there’s too much of a good thing
and not enough yearning, not enough
desire.

push me around
just to pick me up again
whenever you want me
at your disposal
off of the cold hard ground
oh, you make me feel so *****
is that how i look to you?
use me as you please
we are all disposable
is this what i asked for?
do you realize,
i can still feel emotion?
i still crave more.

i don’t want to be like this forever
a constant game of hide and seek
both hiding ourselves from each other
and eternally seeking an embrace
making mistakes and making up
making believe and making love
i don’t want what could have been
i can’t live with ‘what ifs’
i can’t bear a life without your voice
your eyes that expose the truth
your touch that taught me passion
your future without me in it
i can live without you, if i have to
but i can’t live with myself if i let this die
years later hearing your boundless words
knowing i didn’t give my absolute all
to have you by my side, forever
i won’t live a life of ‘what ifs’

i’ve denied it for as long as i can
the day of green and gold when we met our demise
almost 5 months to the day
it’s irony at it’s finest, for i found anything but luck
i’ve refused it for as long as i can stand
there are some things i have no choice but to admit
the truth is unaffected by trivial time
much might not make sense, it is true
but this means not that the curious is unreal
almost 5 months to the day
i can count on one hand the tears i have shed
yet still tonight i let slip one more
though rarely i feel despondent
that too can sometimes slip
generally i have learned to feel like your presence,
well, like it brought my life hope
i know now the immensity i am capable of feeling
and will further refuse to settle
i have tried to replace your fleeting spot in my life
but have soon learned that this cannot be
yet i cannot help but hope, maybe, one day
one day i can find someone who can make me feel as you once did .
for i am ever searching .

i wonder what you would say, if you knew
how often you still cross my mind
how often i still write about you
it never seemed to phase you, that you were my muse .
you’re still so beautiful to me,
though no longer mine,
you are still my own, personal disaster .
i wish you nothing but happiness,
and i hope one day i shall find my own without you .
and here, i will say it, just one time,
i will finally admit what i refused to ever speak,
i loved you,
and you will take with you a piece of my heart.
willingly so, you changed my life.
thank you for the proof,
that someone like you exists,
and could ever find interest
in someone, not like me,
but in me.
for 3 months i felt more beautiful than ever in my life combined.
thank you.

Something as simple as a smile
And the lights begin to shine
Hope comes soaring home to you
Where it belongs
In it's rightful place.
We all deserve to have hope
To be dark and desolate no longer.
No more.

****** my cerebrum,
intruding upon my thoughts, my world,
my very being,
turning me into someone unrecognizable
at least, internally.
for how long can i hide the monster?
for how long does he hibernate?
waiting for me to finally give in to my lust,
for my own apocalypse
right before my very eyes.
i just want to ******* feel something real!
i
finally
realize
i have embodied it.
the monster
is
me.

I crave to feel it again.

My comatose
Is consuming me internally
Glowing on the outside
But there's a fire feeding on my organs.
I have never felt so alone,
Yet I have never been less so.
Little one,
Destroying a world that once existed
And creating for me all the while,
A brand new meaning, being.
I am terrified.
I am lost.
I am suffering.
Yet little one,
You are my purpose now.  
Giving up the one that I love,
For you.
For I shall love you my whole life,
And all other love is fleeting.
The guilt that I feel is unbearable.  
Yet all that I do is for you,
Little one.
I hope one day you know that.
Everything, everything,
Was always for you.
Time winds down.
Six months until I hold you.
I will never let you go.
I've said this once before,
To another.
Maybe you will call him 'father'.
Maybe not.
YOU
Are my angel now.
You are my angel,
Little one.
I will love you my whole life.
My tiny miracle.

You just know,
you just feel it.
There is a click,
everything falls into place.
Everything makes sense.
Your future changes so abruptly.
You can't prepare for it.
You can't predict it.
You can't prevent it.
But suddenly,
everything has changed.
And you will never be the same.
A piece of you is gone,
you've given it to them.
To hold, to protect,
to remember.
But you are refilled with a piece of them.
To cherish, to love,
to remember.
Some day that part of you may break,
it may reject itself.
It may rip away from your body.
It will be painful, brutal,
ever so sudden.
But a little piece lingers on,
unable to escape,
trapped beneath your rib cage.
You may even forget it's there,
with time.
But one day,
you will feel a little nudge
and remember,
one who gave you a piece of their heart, once.
Time does not heal.
It's an anesthetic.
You will never forget.
Love never forgets.

My soul is split in two
between what I desire
and what I should do.
There's two demons on my shoulders
yelling in my ears,
playing tricks on my mind,
covering over my eyes,
and so I follow my heart.
It is the only thing I have,
not tainted.
And it may not always be right,
but I am never truly wrong.
I'm so tired
of fighting these demons.
I'm so tired
from fighting these demons.
O',
I'm so tired.
O', me.
Rest now,
O', my.
Heavy heart.

how can the world be so cruel?
7 billion other people in the world,
yet we can pine after one for years.
we allow heartache to afflict our life
because our existence depends upon it,
instead of attempting solitary happiness.
no,
we don’t know how to make it on our own.
we are desperate,
we are hopeless,
our wanting leaves us unwantable.
we are alone.

everything is hazy
there are blinds over my eyelids
consciousness is fleeting
i thought everything would be alright
but i am never right
about these kind of things
i am never right at all
catch me
catch me
when i
f
a
  l
   l
you are the one who holds me up
on nights like these.

riding public transport
the little things you don’t realize matter so greatly
until you stop, until they’re lost
throw the breaks on
all inspiration, consider it dead and gone
this could never die
this lives inside me
you can take so much away
you can destroy a human soul
or the natural will to live
but you can never destroy the words of my creation
that forever flow through me
you cannot destroy the memories of my happiness
and of love
they mean everything
everything
finds yours before it’s too late-
before you’re dead and gone .

clinging to every semblance of hope
every fleeting notion of reality
yet striving for anything but…
what am i searching for?
real?
yes,
i claim this.
but my subconscious begs to differ.  
i want to fly.
i want an escape.
crumbling,
with every day that passes.
i remember what i’m here for,
yet i cannot seem to reach it,
to hold onto it.
i am dead and gone.
i am dead.
i am gone.
without a glimpse of rebirth in sight.
the phoenix has taken flight without me.
i am alone with myself.
“Atman” has been destroyed.
i do not exist.
no longer whole.
no longer broken.
simply
dead.

i’m falling ever further, ever deeper
into the pit you’ve dug out for me
this is my abode, i welcome you
serenaded by the entrance sounds
can you hear them howling your name?
eyes ever watching, can you feel their gaze?
one once asked
“have you ever been alone in a crowded room?”
i feel crowded even when alone
especially in this godforsaken hole
i can’t remove the stains you ask of me
what is it you want from me, anyways?
perfection, perfection, perfection
i will never be enough for you
i will burn these bridges down
that led me straight to you
i will watch you burn
there is no end.

You become so used to living your life
Around all the same promises
And all the same lies
You forget how to breathe
You forget how to start over
You forget yourself
Like you've been spilt into two
Darling,
You were whole all along
You don't need to be put back together
You just need to
Remember to breathe
Come on now,
Deep breath in.

Your mind deceives you
You think you have won this battle
Yet you know not where my intentions lay
I know exactly what you want
Your longing deceives you
You think I want your love?
All you are,
Is the prettiest star.
You are not the brightest in my sky,
The sun.
Your eyes decieve you
Use me, use me
Because I'm using you too.
You are simply the quickest route
On my way to finding jealousy
Somewhere
On the road called hope
That the brightest star,
All source of heat and life,
For my eyes only.
My heart deceives me
But I will never stop searching
No matter how treacherous the path
No matter who I encounter in my travels
My sun will guide me
I believe he still shines for me.
You are just the prettiest star,
Of many.

i look back on those times
the times that made my eyes brim up with tears
of sadness, of happiness
of passion only written of in tragedies and myths
and i thank the world
for choosing me to share such beauty with
most are not so lucky
this i am sure of
how often am i spoken to of a life unfulfilled
boring to say the least
my life’s been called “dramatic”
more times than i’d care to count
but i will look upon this and smile
for i could never say i haven’t lived
loved, and been loved in return
experienced impossible beauty
i have been my own tragedy
i have been my own myth
my life has no need for embellishment
what would Shakespeare say?
i am my own bard, i’m afraid
i write my own story, my own future
not even an apocalypse can hold me back now
from a life fully lived
stop living for your future,
for your future is now
every second fleeting further .

Happiness, it's a strange concept
A transparent dream at its best
Changed, since the day we met
And I have never felt so blessed.

Misled choices, I've had to cope
Until your light came shining bright
Blazing, like a beacon of hope
And I have never felt so right.

Clear, yes my breathing feels so free
This warmth was surely worth the wait
Complete, I am when you're with me
And I have never seen such fate.

No more pain, and no more strife
The moment you came into my life.

Happiness, it’s a strange concept
a transparent dream at it’s best.
So much potential left untapped
my hearts been ripped out of my chest.

Trust, now I’ll always be jaded
easily gained, so quickly lost.
I’ll beg my feelings to be faded
you’ve thrown me away, simply tossed.

Choking on memories of you
drowning in the dream of your eyes.
To believe I thought I knew you
all of it lies, say our goodbyes.

Shattered my heart and trampled the pieces,
my breathing decreases.

I know you're out there,
thinking of me.
at night in your bed,
as pretty as can be.
The emotions pour out,
but the words they stay in.
In this fatal second we know,
the deadliest sin.

And these seconds tick past,
like the tears that fill your eyes.
As the liquid hits the floor,
this moment never dies.
Hollywood can't hold us back,
Hollywood can't hold us back.

The screaming begins,
as we swear never to let go.
But reality sets in,
our weakness starts to show.
And still you hold my hand,
but were starting to lose grasp.
We whisper don't lose hope,
but were going nowhere fast.

And these seconds tick past,
like the tears that fill your eyes.
as the liquid hits the floor this moment never dies.
Hollywood can't hold us back,
Hollywood can't hold us back.

And we still love so truthfully,
thinking dreaming on your bed,
your eyes as pretty as can be.
And today our bond withheld,
because Hollywood can't take you,
no Hollywood can't take you,
no Hollywood can't take you from me.

(I love you Mandy)

How do you explain a feeling?
How do you condense something so complex into a few simple words?
Words that have been used endlessly to describe the mundane.
Over reiterated and overexaggerated.
Words do not do you justice, but they are all that I have.
How do you define our love?
How do you explain our perfection?
How do you put pen to paper and write down the utter calm and comfort I feel in your presence,
And combine it with the passion we share that never ceases to burn?
How can I jot down every notion of a future that is truly unimaginable without you?
Let me try, anyways.
Call it a cliche or call it a classic.
I call it simplicity.
And with this,
Know:
I love you with all of my heart.
Take away the world, but leave me with you,
And still I would know happiness.
Give me the world, but remove yourself from it,
And I too would cease to be.
I love you with all of my heart.

I dreamt of you last night
like so many hopeless nights before
your eyes pierce my soul
you read me
you know me
even though we're strangers now
we haven't embraced
outside of my mind
we're lovers, we're friends
the four years we spent intertwined
leaves a permanent indent
a tan line that will never fade
I still wear your ring
I still believe,
somehow,
we will find each other again.
But maybe...
only in a dream
can we ever be,
ever again.
Too much.
Too little.
Too far.
Too late.
We're only strangers now.

i can’t sleep tonight,
your blue eyes are clouding my mind  
the way your body felt against mine
and the softness of your hands  .

every song’s about you,
at least to the ever-lusting mind
you made me want to believe again
when i thought i never could .

you kissed me so softly,
like i consumed all of your mind
as if you had forever to spend
i hope you let me love you .

these songs must be about you,
they’re resonating in my mind
coinciding with this smile
at the thought of you with time .

i wish that i could show you,
tonight you are all that’s on my mind
i think that you could save me
and i hope you can be mine.