you are a transgression of insults
and you bruise me as easily as
a peach is welted in the fall from a counter top.

oh, and how i fell;
i lusted for your lies,
the way you looked at me,
the warm grasp of your hand,
your rough palm against my back.

looking back,
it is easy to see that i was your rebound girl.
and i just wish that you hadn't drawn me in so quickly,
because i would be there for you again
in a heartbeat.

the words inside my mind are jumbled and i keep seeing images of us kissing and me laughing and water gun fights and afternoon naps and showering together and long hugs. and i can't stop this jigsaw puzzle of memories from taking over and infecting my lungs, my heart, and there are ten thousand people in a room and i've never been more alone in my entire life. sunday nights are akin to skinny dipping in the ocean in the middle of January when you're shaking and rattling and it seems that the cold has seeped through to the tissue that compiles your bones and then i remember one am at the lake and walking around at the beach and looking at the moonlight reflecting off of your pool eyes and god, i wanted to tell you right then that i loved you. but i didn't, and i never did, and i never have and you told me that you love me as your best friend when you broke up with me two months later, and that friendship is the most important thing and did i always want to date you? and that's a slap in the face because you wanted me so badly, you were frantic to have me and i caved too easily, letting you absorb into my bloodstream and caress my deepest thoughts. maybe i never did love you, or maybe i did, and i think still that love should be given freely even if you've known someone for two days. and you must know that i feel cheated and played because you've left me, you've gone back to her and i pray that she doesn't take you back but we all know that life isn't fair and you were never mine in the first place. but understand that i gave you everything i had and that still wasn't enough to make you stick around, and i am beginning to rethink everything i ever did for you. never in my life have i been rude to you, and i am so hurt by your carefully chosen words and they cut me and slit my throat and it isn't the best to be called pathetic by someone who called you beautiful three weeks earlier. i'm not sure where your anger towards me comes from but i will continue to say that i'm sorry until you scream at me to shut up because i am sorry, i am sorry i am sorry please come back and be mine. i don't know what I did wrong and everything hurts and you can't make me feel right but you can sure as hell make me feel worse.

don't think about the way he held you when he saw you cry for the first time. don't think about his smile when you turned around and caught him looking at you. don't remember the sound of his voice whispering your name to see if you were still awake at 2:48 in the morning. don't recall how perfect and warm his hands felt on your body and how gentle he was with you.

don't.

remember him shooting down your ideas and making a mockery of your opinion. remember how he called you pathetic in front of his friends and laughed as you tried to shake it off. think about how he told you that he was glad that you two could joke about anything with each other, after he called you a *****. realize the distance he created in the final weeks in the countdown to snipping the thread that delicately bound your heart to his.

remember him telling you that he never loved you. remember him treating you like a child, remember him calling you beautiful only when you laid on your back on his rough flannel blanket, staring at the ceiling until he decided he was satisfied.

remember waiting for him to text you and call you and talk to you, remember him ignoring you and making you feel worthless.

don't remember how his eyes sparkled when the sunlight hit them in the right spot. don't remember him pulling you close for a kiss.

(i was only in love with the idea of you)

i like to think of fog as
a sweeping blanket of morose sorrow,
encasing my deepest fears;
i'm afraid that i'll recognize
my own face in the dimly lit
twilight of morning.

i exhale plumes of softly blown breath
from my parted lips
and wish you were there to
fill in the gaps,

yet you are so distant from me now,
and if we were planets i would be as pathetic as the moon,
orbiting you forevermore;
disappearing when you need space,
but always coming back,
time and time again.

i won't give up hope on you,
and you are strong
and you are smart,
and i believe in you.

you're my best friend,
don't leave me again.

pathetic is the way that i yearn for your attention,
clawing at anything tangible;
your water slips through my fingers in a
parade of mocking figurines
twirling and fleeting as my grasp tightens
and i end up with less than i started with.

do not think that i am the only one who notices
your frigid civility
and a bitter taste rises through my throat
as i remember the way you gripped it,
squeezing,
screaming

"i'm so sorry"
i forgive you.
no! no! no!

away with my tender thoughts and deceived imagination;
come closer, dear, and i'll show you how much you mean to me:
i hate everything about you,
and i want you to love me back, please.

twist my melancholic soul,
for you have become so cold.

(and i will heal you,
although i cannot remedy myself)

the sinking feeling of
melancholy
leaves frostbite in my heart

(you were never mine,
you never will be)

a painful thing is hearing you say that you have never been in love,
a screaming cut is you telling me how hard you were falling two months earlier.

am i an idiot for knowing that i would take you back if you asked me once?
twice?
any number of times?

you are not my downfall.
you are not my hero.

i would do anything for you to love me again.

i don't know what to say except for that
i'm sorry for loving you so one-sidedly
and i understand that i smothered you so completely,
and you jumped to me too quickly.
and i shouldn't have flirted with you when you were so emotionally unstable.

i drew you in just to have you spit me back out four months later,
and a deep pull of ***** won't erase you from the deepest corridors of my mind.

and i believed you when you said nothing would change;
you promised,
you promised,
you promised.

i deserve to feel this deep-rooted despair
sinking lower and lower into my chest
and how far can you drop
until you reach the bottom?

You are everything
and if our love were a record
there would be scratches and
drawn out silences
and the only audible sound
would be our hearts,
screaming
and clawing
for each other

You are everything
and if our love were the sea
I would surely drown,
although I learned how to swim
you have sent me spinning
through the waves,
I am not sure which way is up
I am not sure if I want to find out

You are everything
and if our love were a storm
it would destroy everything
in it's path
and it would be reckless
and daunting
and real

You are everything
and if our love were a poem
it would have no rhyme
no Shakespearian diction
it would start
and end
with you.