cognitive dissonance is
shorn hair shaved legs
and a case of makeup,
never used

cognitive dissonance is
red lips and pink cheeks
and lowered eyes at every
such a beautiful daughter

cognitive dissonance is
flat chest and skirt hem
swishing about my knees
and the feeling of their eyes
on me

i am tired of this
always waiting, of
this baited breath
and stilled fingers
soon soon soon

i am tired of waiting to live

i am told that i will live to
see my thirtieth birthday
my thirty-second, if i'm
lucky. the statistics are
stacked against me, and
it's hard to build a future
when you will die in ten
years, a decade of waiting.
it's hard to dream when
you are a countdown.

i still think about you,
sometimes, catching a
glimpse of the cards
on my wall with your
handwriting scrawled on
the insides, cheerful

i wonder what you
are doing, if you are
happy- i wonder if
the world is treating
you better than you
ever managed to
treat me.

i wish you the best
i really do i hope
someone out there
has made the effort
to love you like i did
to give you back
all of your smiles
that you gave me

unreality wraps around me
like an old coat, weight
heavy and comforting
curled over my shoulders.

i hear whispers in my ear,
hands cupping my elbows,
breath on my skin that
makes the back of my neck
prickle with awareness.

what i'm trying to say is
i don't know what is there
and what isn't. the world
keeps its secrets from me
and leads me down
false paths.

rage red hot:
leaving me alone
again you promised
melts into resignation
deep blue like the
sea: knew this
would happen
not worth much
of anything
am i?

i am twenty one years old
and i have forgotten what it
was like to not want to be
dead. the sun is bright and
the air is summer-warmed
and i wrap myself in the
quiet and try to remember
how to breathe.