I cannot feel my legs and my mind is numb
I refuse to hear your breath and my mouth is dumb
I can feel your hands, but I am not here
For I have gone away now
Away, to where you cannot find me, the real me
To a place where i finally feel safe, where i can be alive.
I have switched off my soul to survive this place
My flesh is detached and floats away from my face
I can sense your thrusts, in a different world
You may touch my body, not me.
me, that was a long time ago, before
Before the monster that paid a visit at night.
Now look inside me, and see the curdled mother's milk
that courses through my veins.
Twisted molecules of white, distorting purity of thought.
Do you really know how you destroyed my life
With your fatherly tone and that emotional knife
Held up to the heart of a vulnerable girl
Oh, how I wish I were dead
and yet, part of me is, for some of my life is over
Bud plucked, never to bloom the flower of unbridled youth
The black hole of the past pulls me back to those arms
I struggled so hard against those paternal charms
Alas, what chance a girl, who loved daddy so much
Please make my pain go away.
But it won't, deep inside, under granite blocks of hate
Hate for you and hate for me, how did we let this happen?
Grown up now, and struggling to cope
Life seems so hard I often have no hope
it all looks so black, here within my soul
Oh, to wipe the slate clean.
A vehicle of love used as a weapon of betrayal
How sick we all must be!
Half forgotten memories jump out of my mind
Oh how they came, and when you were so kind
Couldn't you see how tormented I was
God help me, for no one else will.
Time does not heal my angst, nor will it ever
You and you, father and friend will you ever comprehend?
Chameleon colours play a role in my life
Artificial boundaries, coping with strife
keep out tomorrow and push away the past
but somehow today sneaks on in.
i have left my body now, detached, flying away to safety
All males left behind, good and bad, partitioned off
Even as I ignore it, the past comes right back
biding its time for a surprise attack
How can I cope with this onslaught of love
So get out of my life right now.
The past, the past, those nights, oh revulsion, oh confusion
Lust, love, like, remorse, pain, a wailing cacophany of lost childhood.
I attempt to embrace a man, maturity found
But I lose my nerve, looks like dangerous ground
An immense struggle for a girl so fragmented
Can I ever become whole?
I wear my clothes, loose around my body
Passion and pain walled off from prying eyes.
Alone, am I sentenced to spend my life alone
for who will throw this dog an intimate bone ?
I need the courage to embrace my shadows
oh please help me face the past.
The light of your affections just cannot reach my soul, deep inside
The escape velocity of my sanity is not enough
I so want to let go, have my feelings reign free
Yet I can't, for the hurt residing deep within me
Imagine, for a minute, the cross that I bear
No wonder, I stay out of sight.
You see, i only feel connected when i am alone and safe
Yet i so yearn to love and be loved, vulnerable.
Finally, today I held you tight and felt your manhood
and it did not remind me of my childhood
Agony past and pain retreated
Will this last forever I ask?
Those boundaries that were so cruelly invaded
by one who said "I love you", left me exposed.
So brick by brick I built up my self esteem
Self confidence at last, but is it all a dream
Open my eyes, will this all fade away
swept off on the winds of self doubt.
One step at a time, out from the abyss, that cave of betrayal
I will hold this moment tightly and treasure it.
Dare I believe in this place called trust?
A handhold hacked in the rockface of my tortured mind
Will it bear the weight of tomorrow's reality?
I can only hope the silver thread that pulls me up
shall guide me forever forward
away from that sickness of him who is left behind.
I am a survivor and I shall reach the summit
of life's possibilities, although I have to tell you
Base camp did not help my journey!