The boy I adore
just told me he's seeing someone else.

I don't know how to turn that in to poetry.

Here is the truth:

I am terrified of the demons
living inside me.
He claws against my heart
and sends ghosts in to my head;
drowning me in despair,
suffocating me with self-hatred,
choking me with anxiety.
I can not find a way to escape him--
I can not bleed my demons out,
can not reach him through my veins.
How do I find someone
who will get inside my head
and **** my demons for me?
I want to shred my skin
and cut my body in to ribbons
so as to look as terrible as I feel.
I'm sorry
that I wasn't strong enough to overcome it
and that in ways
I am in love with these ghosts--
my agony seems to be the reason for my existence.
I am hurt
and I am hurting others because of who I am,
because of what I have become.
I am in love with the words
of a boy who understood my mind--
I am in love with someone
who loves somebody else.
I am in love with someone
who is to scared to love me.

At the end,
all I have is my sorrow:

My demons are the only things
that never leave.

I felt you
before I saw you;
your almighty presence filling the room,
filling me.
I turned and met your eyes;
blazing green prisons
that confine me,
emerald pools
that drown me.
I move closer,
and you smile that
all-knowing smile,
wrapping your arm around my waist
feeling the bone of my hip
your hand moving down
stroking my thigh whilst I quiver.
How can this be wrong?
These feelings I have when you enter a room,
when you touch me,
when you know me...
how can they be wrong?
Your fingertips dance over my body,
tattooing your name under my forbidden skin
scarring your lust in to my heart.
I look up
to meet those burning eyes once more
and we lose ourselves for a moment;
your lips almost grazing mine
longing for a silent lament of love
in the form of a kiss,
getting ever closer to fulfilling your desire until...

You stop.
You pull away.
You swallow your love.
You walk away
from what is sinful
tempting
and above all--

*forbidden.

i'll listen to joy division
and put myself in the shoes of ian curtis
realising i feel the same as him
and that isolation is the only song
that makes sense tonight

I'm sinking again
and I don't know where you are.
I need you to be here;
to keep me safe in your arms
and tell me it's all going to be okay.
I need you to stop me drowning;
I can't drown again.
I'm isolating,
my head screaming '*******'
to anyone who isn't you.
I need your voice to whisper to me,
to pull me out of the dark
so that I can drown in your arms instead.

I fell in love
with the way your hand
wrapped around my waist when the crowds were violent;
this hand was not to ****** me
but to protect me--
to love me.

Tonight,
you said goodnight four times
and called me 'darling'.
If only I could walk upstairs
and find you there
to kiss and hold
and watch in gentle slumber.

I am in love
with the way your hands move;
how they caress
and trace
and adore.
I could fall asleep inside those hands,
keeping me safe until I wake up
to your wandering eyes.

There will come a time
when you are sick of trying
to understand my wrists
and my mind
and how I am more than one person
when I do this.
I know you will become sick
of saving me
and that you will regret knowing my mind.
You will not miss
my selfishness
or inconsideration when I do this
and you will not miss the 2am phone calls
that come with trying to love me.
You will hurt
when I push you away
and flinch at your touch
and you will hurt
when I isolate myself
and hate myself.
You will leave when I try to love you
and you will leave
when I lose it.
You will leave
and you will not come back--

*I am not worth the fight.