you might think I’m lying, but today I layed in a field of violet flowers.
each petal of each and every flower whispered me a billion questions , when I find tuned their little giggles I heard what they were all asking childishly...
they wondered why they couldn’t smell you on my skin, they wondered why they couldn’t hear your voice making me smile.

I started to cry , because I told them you ran away from this field , that you were out in the city , in fast cars with loud sounds and I know your head gets messy when you think too much.
I cried a little bit more because my tears would soften all the pain for you. My holy water would drip from your cheeks from all the billion kisses I placed in your pores, do you think a field of love would grow there within you?
Or would the pain and the noise and the smoke from the fast cars pollute the purity of newness of kindness of life giving violet flowers.

After my mind slowed down I had realized that the millions of petals had fell to the ground to wrap me in their warmth just so my skin could smell of something.

Do you think I’m lying?

I’m not doing this for you I’m doing this for me
Today I am enraged with hate and anger and sadness im a dangerous storm sent to tear homes from their roots I’m a giant monster created to stomp on little imbelice toddlers
I am a monster you created you filled me with pain and hate and you twisted something heavenly into a tumultuous fire and now I want you to burn
I’m tired of you having the power of sharing you with the world
You created this monster and now you must suffer in isolation because I created you I searched for you from the depths of hell and elevated your holiness I have discovered your light and you have no right to share it with anyone
Come drown in me come suffer in my waves come suffocate in my embrace
I will knaw you with my sharp talons I will scratch your thighs open and you will return to your people dripping with evidence of my might
You are mine and you will not be happy without me unless I permit it
You are my possession and I do not approve of your sharing
I am your master and you will bow at my feet only
You will sit and wither away until you feel the pain
Until your bones shatter and your brain melts of lonliness
I do not permit you being happy
You are not allowed to feed off the vibrations of eachother
You will vibrate off me only
I am your master and you will obey my instructions you do not get to be happy after you have caused me to shatter like a sculpture that fell off its pedestal
You will feel my fire you will roast from your insides your lungs will full with my air when I permit it
Your heart will bleed and burst at my command because I said so.
I do not permit your happiness not your independence you will suffer at my feet until I feel fit to release you from my wrath.

shyly enters*
heyyyyy, it is I , me.
I know I haven’t been here in a while
I haven’t been much of anywhere if we are being honest, been floating a lot , pretending a lot and crying occasionally when it all surfaces.

But, I thought it was time to face you again. That sounds mean not face you I thought I’d drop by and let you know that today is just a little too much and we know that I sometimes can’t hold it all in and it manifests in tiny little droplets of emotion.

Let’s harp on that for a second. A single drop of solution carries razor blade pain , it carries harsh anger and subtle insecurities . I think that’s cool.

I met someone who once told me that water was his path to finding god. And if we want to get into the nitty gritties of semiology it makes perfect sense. For thousands of years fluid in all religious faculties water has been a symbol of cleansing of purity of rebirth.

Watch me reinvent myself , that sounds too confident. Just as the wounds close tight and scab to the perfect itchy texture, a new bang opens it and makes it bleed.

Rayhaan? Do you see me . Do you even know what you married? They say transparency and complete intimacy is at peak during a hard or slow ****... is that all you see ? The little girl that doesn’t like to be in control? The little girl screaming for love? The little girl that demands ( quietly ) to be degraded? To be held ?

A walking ******* contradiction.

Baby I’m so much more and so much less than that little girl and all you see is someone begging to be loved. I remember when you first fell i was still sitting on my throne watching you play in my ocean splashing around, bathing in my sun. And then I fell off , I was a commoner and you became the ultimate .
For a while we ruled in unison . But now baby you watch me drown from above . Do you enjoy the suffering ? Does it make you feel good that , that little girl is screaming to be held to be seen to be heard. She craves you.

I miss my best friend the one that would lay on the floor to catch my tears , just coz Mother Nature was not vast enough to absorb all the emotion. Now you watch it waste away to the ground like a element we have too much of.

Do you still love ? I’ve never felt like enough , do you finally feel that way too?

Everything’s too heavy right now, it’s all starting to merge in my head it’s becoming too loud. The medication will start working it’s magic on my neurotransmitters, forced sleep, forced love , forced ....

I love you.
I don’t have to tell you but know that no one will ever swim with your demons , no one will twist their bones to be enough for you like me . No one will EVER see you like this. You will continue giving brief glances of your personality but never your true self.

Bye for now
( strange how I started to write to the poem then myself and finally ended at you- maybe that is because you flow in my blood )

in times like this
I feel myself shying from paper like a little school girl in the prettiest dustpink mini skirt
I feel my cheeks rosing up , into this blush red
I feel my palms sweating like a little waterfall, dripping down to my shaky thighs
The paper scares me
- because being here makes me desperate.             It means that I can’t scream any louder. It means that no matter how many people try to warm me in their embrace I’m still here shy from the paper . Alone and trapped.
Now this little school girl must bleed from her thighs and palms here she must expose the ***** thoughts and the liquids from her vile body.
Isn’t she disguisting in her purity?
Does she make you mad
She is so alluring she dominates all that she touches , I’ll tell you a secret I once saw rain run towards her.
But she’s ugly, and kind and I love that little school girl because I’m tired of everyone giving her up . I don’t know if they’re mad at her for being to pure or maybe she’s not at all
Maybe she’s too many pieces to be loved by a whole
So she finds a few along the way and lets them love a piece of her
The little school told me
That she’s manic
She is a maniac I’ve seen how for the past few weeks she’s danced in her room and jumped in bed with her parents and pretended to be high on some sort of adrenaline
But I’m tired of being creepy and staring at her through the window
Because the real girl is starting to emerge .
It’s making my head sore
AM I A FUCKINF BIPOLAR
Maybe that’s the anxiety whispering
Or is it an alternative personality
I’m going crazy
This one wasn’t supposed to hurt like the rest it was supposed to heal
This one hurt the most
Because - after not believeing that we could love
You thought us that we are the purest form of uncontrollable affection
But we are done now
And we must sleep
Forever
- don’t be scared of me
- I’m confused too
- I’m the old man in the window
- The manic
- The school girl
- And maybe you too.
A multidimensional ******* organism

Today I am here to rage
And to scream and scratch and to pull your hair from your roots
I’m
Here to burry my finger nails deep beneath your skin and rip it out until I’m exposed to running blood and ***** bones
Baby I’m hurting my heart hurts my soul hurts my cuticles hurt so does my every ******* blood cell
My tears hurt
And I miss you oh so terribly
I miss being held and shhhh’d I miss being understood and caressed I miss being loved the way you did
And I miss you having a burning desire to please my every need
I’m sore today and I’m even lonelier I’m lonely and alone and lone
And I want to cry I want to pain and o want to feel
Just for a little until it’s too much
And then I want to run

I will scream until my cells explode and drips from my lips
I will shout until my intestines explode
I will tell until my teeth crack
I will cry until my veins flow dry
I will howl until my voice disappears
But I will not stop until the pain fades

~ if I don’t ruin myself one of you entitled pieces of garbage will.
Maybe you already have.

I like to write when my heart hurts
It just feels better like poking at a wound waiting for it to bleed

I often said that I don’t epitomize you I see you for what you really are
And I’ve always believed that people have the potential to hurt me
And yet I let you in
I let you unwind my insides and stain my being
and here you are

Reminding me of him
The him that manipulated me that forced me to lose myself the me that untangled my thoughts and used it as a noose to keep me on a short leash

You’re making me beg for love
You’re making me break
Stop breaking me
I want to touch your cheeks and feel your kindness
Are you possessed ? Should we call and exosist to remove this sadness to remove this ugly person that is withdrawn and lacks excitement
I want my rayhaan back
The one that holds me and tells me I’m enough
Not the one who pushes me to the ledge and makes me feel like I need to fight to be seen
I’m sad to write this today
Because I could never write about you before
Because you never hurt my heart

I’m scared now
But time will tell
Maybe all love turns ugly with time
Maybe I make people ugly
Maybe I deserve the harshness
Maybe I am just not enough.

The above talks about my vulnerability
It’s strange how they’re starting to arise
Because I feel myself telling my brain I told you so
You’re so dumb
Everyone knew this would come
Why didn’t you listen
You should have just believed that’s no matter what rules you put and how hard you try
Everyone fails at marriage
Or maybe it’s hereditary
Maybe it’s woman in this family
Maybe we possess a switch that turns men off
From loving us
Or maybe we’re excited by the trauma of love
Maybe we can’t accept the kindness of it all

And maybe we’re all just destined to unhappiness
For all the ugly sins we commit

Hi I’m writing this addressed to my followers but I’m addressing it to myself because my internal processing has had a bit of a jam recently and I’d like to live up the machinery and hope that the thoughts flow, the feelings flow, I flow .

Mental illness can be as extreme as cancer where it devours your entire body and makes you lay in bed all day not wanting to eat or speak to people or just be awake because the suffering feels too overwhelming.

Or it can be like a small little bump on your head it can hurt you’ll cry but you can go through the day until you are reminded of the pain of the little bump
Both are valid and both hurt

I have an emotional matrurity and understanding beyond many my age and this allows my brain to work at a faster pace ( this doesn’t mean I’m a smarty pants ) but I see things and I over analyze everything and I make issues where there aren’t none just to feed the cancer because it feeds me . I twist words and hurt people that are good to me because I don’t feel good enough for them .
Baby I’m talking about you sometimes I don’t feel enough for you. You do so much and I feel inadequate to anything you do .
And I feel like your mum knows it too .
And it’s not your fault or hers it’s mine. It’s mine for being weak and not believing that I’m worthy of such a pure strong love.
I miss you and I miss myself
I feel like I’m fading in my head . There’s a spaceship going somewhere away from here and I want to jump on.

Why can’t people choose me over the things that harm them
Yummy chooses him and it hurts my heart he always chooses drugs and that hurts her

I hurt you baby because you are good and I’m not used to good I’m used to being pushed to the side
You see me and that scares me
Thank you for looking after me
My cheeks are wet now , come play on my surface come dance on me
Feel exotic I’ll touch you back but just a tease because we both know I’m a little jacked up in the department of giving
I can’t give myself to you to touch maybe it’s too vulnerable
Let me dance for you
Naked.
Let me feel how you feel in the most divine way
Let’s become one body.
Stop it hurts
I’m selfish
I want to be alone
Leave me alone
Nothing
Go.
I don’t deserve you
I’m awful
I need to get better before I lose myself and you can’t find me
Run in the cancer
I’ll spread to you