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Mahdiya Patel May 2020
you might think I’m lying, but today I layed in a field of violet flowers.
each petal of each and every flower whispered me a billion questions , when I find tuned their little giggles I heard what they were all asking childishly...
they wondered why they couldn’t smell you on my skin, they wondered why they couldn’t hear your voice making me smile.

I started to cry , because I told them you ran away from this field , that you were out in the city , in fast cars with loud sounds and I know your head gets messy when you think too much.
I cried a little bit more because my tears would soften all the pain for you. My holy water would drip from your cheeks from all the billion kisses I placed in your pores, do you think a field of love would grow there within you?
Or would the pain and the noise and the smoke from the fast cars pollute the purity of newness of kindness of life giving violet flowers.

After my mind slowed down I had realized that the millions of petals had fell to the ground to wrap me in their warmth just so my skin could smell of something.

Do you think I’m lying?
Mahdiya Patel May 2020
*
I deserve someone who cuts their hands picking stars for me
Mahdiya Patel May 2020
shyly enters*
heyyyyy, it is I , me.
I know I haven’t been here in a while
I haven’t been much of anywhere if we are being honest, been floating a lot , pretending a lot and crying occasionally when it all surfaces.

But, I thought it was time to face you again. That sounds mean not face you I thought I’d drop by and let you know that today is just a little too much and we know that I sometimes can’t hold it all in and it manifests in tiny little droplets of emotion.

Let’s harp on that for a second. A single drop of solution carries razor blade pain , it carries harsh anger and subtle insecurities . I think that’s cool.

I met someone who once told me that water was his path to finding god. And if we want to get into the nitty gritties of semiology it makes perfect sense. For thousands of years fluid in all religious faculties water has been a symbol of cleansing of purity of rebirth.

Watch me reinvent myself , that sounds too confident. Just as the wounds close tight and scab to the perfect itchy texture, a new bang opens it and makes it bleed.

Rayhaan? Do you see me . Do you even know what you married? They say transparency and complete intimacy is at peak during a hard or slow ****... is that all you see ? The little girl that doesn’t like to be in control? The little girl screaming for love? The little girl that demands ( quietly ) to be degraded? To be held ?

A walking ******* contradiction.

Baby I’m so much more and so much less than that little girl and all you see is someone begging to be loved. I remember when you first fell i was still sitting on my throne watching you play in my ocean splashing around, bathing in my sun. And then I fell off , I was a commoner and you became the ultimate .
For a while we ruled in unison . But now baby you watch me drown from above . Do you enjoy the suffering ? Does it make you feel good that , that little girl is screaming to be held to be seen to be heard. She craves you.

I miss my best friend the one that would lay on the floor to catch my tears , just coz Mother Nature was not vast enough to absorb all the emotion. Now you watch it waste away to the ground like a element we have too much of.

Do you still love ? I’ve never felt like enough , do you finally feel that way too?

Everything’s too heavy right now, it’s all starting to merge in my head it’s becoming too loud. The medication will start working it’s magic on my neurotransmitters, forced sleep, forced love , forced ....

I love you.
I don’t have to tell you but know that no one will ever swim with your demons , no one will twist their bones to be enough for you like me . No one will EVER see you like this. You will continue giving brief glances of your personality but never your true self.

Bye for now
( strange how I started to write to the poem then myself and finally ended at you- maybe that is because you flow in my blood )
Mahdiya Patel May 2020
I’m not doing this for you I’m doing this for me
Today I am enraged with hate and anger and sadness im a dangerous storm sent to tear homes from their roots I’m a giant monster created to stomp on little imbelice toddlers
I am a monster you created you filled me with pain and hate and you twisted something heavenly into a tumultuous fire and now I want you to burn
I’m tired of you having the power of sharing you with the world
You created this monster and now you must suffer in isolation because I created you I searched for you from the depths of hell and elevated your holiness I have discovered your light and you have no right to share it with anyone
Come drown in me come suffer in my waves come suffocate in my embrace
I will knaw you with my sharp talons I will scratch your thighs open and you will return to your people dripping with evidence of my might
You are mine and you will not be happy without me unless I permit it
You are my possession and I do not approve of your sharing
I am your master and you will bow at my feet only
You will sit and wither away until you feel the pain
Until your bones shatter and your brain melts of lonliness
I do not permit you being happy
You are not allowed to feed off the vibrations of eachother
You will vibrate off me only
I am your master and you will obey my instructions you do not get to be happy after you have caused me to shatter like a sculpture that fell off its pedestal
You will feel my fire you will roast from your insides your lungs will full with my air when I permit it
Your heart will bleed and burst at my command because I said so.
I do not permit your happiness not your independence you will suffer at my feet until I feel fit to release you from my wrath.
Mahdiya Patel May 2020
I will scream until my cells explode and drips from my lips
I will shout until my intestines explode
I will tell until my teeth crack
I will cry until my veins flow dry
I will howl until my voice disappears
But I will not stop until the pain fades

~ if I don’t ruin myself one of you entitled pieces of garbage will.
Maybe you already have.
Mahdiya Patel May 2020
Today I am here to rage
And to scream and scratch and to pull your hair from your roots
I’m
Here to burry my finger nails deep beneath your skin and rip it out until I’m exposed to running blood and ***** bones
Baby I’m hurting my heart hurts my soul hurts my cuticles hurt so does my every ******* blood cell
My tears hurt
And I miss you oh so terribly
I miss being held and shhhh’d I miss being understood and caressed I miss being loved the way you did
And I miss you having a burning desire to please my every need
I’m sore today and I’m even lonelier I’m lonely and alone and lone
And I want to cry I want to pain and o want to feel
Just for a little until it’s too much
And then I want to run
Mahdiya Patel May 2020
in times like this
I feel myself shying from paper like a little school girl in the prettiest dustpink mini skirt
I feel my cheeks rosing up , into this blush red
I feel my palms sweating like a little waterfall, dripping down to my shaky thighs
The paper scares me
- because being here makes me desperate.             It means that I can’t scream any louder. It means that no matter how many people try to warm me in their embrace I’m still here shy from the paper . Alone and trapped.
Now this little school girl must bleed from her thighs and palms here she must expose the ***** thoughts and the liquids from her vile body.
Isn’t she disguisting in her purity?
Does she make you mad
She is so alluring she dominates all that she touches , I’ll tell you a secret I once saw rain run towards her.
But she’s ugly, and kind and I love that little school girl because I’m tired of everyone giving her up . I don’t know if they’re mad at her for being to pure or maybe she’s not at all
Maybe she’s too many pieces to be loved by a whole
So she finds a few along the way and lets them love a piece of her
The little school told me
That she’s manic
She is a maniac I’ve seen how for the past few weeks she’s danced in her room and jumped in bed with her parents and pretended to be high on some sort of adrenaline
But I’m tired of being creepy and staring at her through the window
Because the real girl is starting to emerge .
It’s making my head sore
AM I A FUCKINF BIPOLAR
Maybe that’s the anxiety whispering
Or is it an alternative personality
I’m going crazy
This one wasn’t supposed to hurt like the rest it was supposed to heal
This one hurt the most
Because - after not believeing that we could love
You thought us that we are the purest form of uncontrollable affection
But we are done now
And we must sleep
Forever
- don’t be scared of me
- I’m confused too
- I’m the old man in the window
- The manic
- The school girl
- And maybe you too.
A multidimensional ******* organism
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