In the interim…
In the deep, fresh anxiety
That has grappled my heart with so much superiority.
I process all the names that are mentioned.
And as I stand up for the prayer,
I know...
I know because the name I so deeply, desperately wanted to hear;
Isn’t resonating between the walls of my heart .

Dare not let this façade fool you;
I’ve been deeply wounded.
I’ve fallen.

As my heart gushes from this myriad of emotions;
I try to keep my shoulders square,
There where they belong.
For something I’ll always long.

As my head dangles
And my back lies beyond my reach
From this skirmish.
My hope rests in YHWH,
My heart's perfect Lover.
And now I’ll take a ride on this wave;
this unpleasant vessel.

Let my wound be cauterised by the emanating  disappointment that gazes at me.
And let the potent black and white motto soothe my oozing wounds:
Forti Nihil Difficilius
I know.

Here I am.
Between two earphones that hold a path to the core of my mind,
Covered by thoughts,
Thoughts that possess the power to control me,
That possess the gates to my soul.
I am struck by fear,
possessed by fear that isn’t,
though, of what can be.
With every thought here I am drowning in a fear of thoughts -
Of thoughts my mind invents,
Thoughts native to my past.
A past that contains a fear so powerful,
it is the widest door for demons into my life;
Theoretically a past nurtured by the past.
I’m penetrated by this fear,
thoughts of an ominous fear.
My mind possesses the thoughts that are further than the deepest understanding of my control,
Imprisoned by my own mind;
held hostage.
My only choices for protection:
my Creator
And my Mother ;
shields against my fear.
Here I am fighting these fatal thoughts that may instigate my skip of a beat,
A control far beyond the stars most distant from Earth,
More powerful than anything I’ve witnessed,
too far from my understanding.
For all and all;
I stand strong ;
and not give up..!