look at me ******
i am the festering wound
of an abused child
forced to grow up too soon
thrown into adulthood
with nothing but the scars on my arms
and the mean words that you
drilled into my brain
bouncing around the walls of my skull
maybe a drill-bit to the temple
would make them cut it
the **** out
but it would probably be easier
to muster up the guts
to ask my mother
why she resents me so

and my ribs are nothing
but another cage
keeping my heart from leaping out
of my chest
of exploding into a better life
a life without you in it
because *******
twelve years old is way too young
to start cutting myself
i was too naive to even know
or understand that death was
the end of all ends
but now i understand it
all too well
spend my nights
restless in my sweat and blood stained sheets
blankets kicked to the floor
the want to die
the need to feel
those clammy hands wrapped around your throat
long fingers digging into scarred flesh
pulling you into the dirt
with the promise that you will never
have to open your eyes into this nightmare
again

and can you really blame
me for wanting it to
end this way
i always said that i was going to
go out with a bang
but ******
i clipped my wings for you
pushed the fishhooks of your
hugs and goodnight kisses
deep into my feet
through my wiggling toes
rooted myself to the ground
endured it so that you would
leave my little sister alone

what i had was no
childhood it was a ****-poor
excuse for a place to call home
and ****** it still is
but when you look at me
all you see are my flaws
but have you ever stopped to
look in a mirror
because i can assure you
it is not my face that you will find
staring out at you

and i think that
choking down the brightly colored tacks
handful by handful
would be less painful
than you telling me what a failure i am
but i don’t know how to make you understand
when you have known nothing
but a mother and father’s love
it is hard to be shunned by your own family
and i just want it to end
but can you really blame me

look at me goddamit
i am nothing but a walking sore
an open and weeping wound
instead of tears
pus and blood drip down my cheeks
still i paint you the same word
over and over
sorry sorry sorry sorry
i just want you to love me
why do you hurt me so

look at me ******
i am a poster-child
for a missing childhood
because cruel words
and the coldness of soap
bars and liquid
the growing amount of cuts
now faded scars
but still there forever
are all that i know
all that my mother gave me
my self-hatred and destruction are
the blanket i wrap myself in at night
cry into my pillow
so you won’t hear my sobs
and find another reason
to bring out your claws

i am not a cigarette
i will not give you a
multitude of cancers
your teeth and tongue and fingertips
will not be stained by and with me
your clothes will not hold my smoke
like your blackened lungs
in and out
i am not the tobacco you breathe
like the air is not good enough for you
i am so much worse than that

i am not a razor blade
i will not give you rows upon
rows of neat little cuts
i am not the reason your hand holds
steady enough to carve those
straight lines
like train tracks
into your skin
until they become your impenetrable armor
layers and layers
i am not your addiction
i am so much worse than that

i am not a bottle of pills
i will not give you a false sense
of medicated calm
or the hollow of a stomach empty feeling
when you are bent over the toilet
at four in the ******* morning
spewing your guts up and against
and all the way into
a white porcelain bowl
this whiteness will be more stark than
your skin when the sun does not touch it
brighter than the walls of the hospital
the sinks and the toilets and the shower stalls
and even the towels
this is the whitest white you will ever see
i am not the things you do that make you sick
i am so much worse than that

i am not the empty beer cans
along with the empty promises
of just one more
it’s always the same with you
but us humans are a pathetic bunch
destroying ourselves and then turning
to a story book deity to wash us of
our sins and wrong-doings
and make us whole and good and clean again
i have never been the beer on your breath
or the only thing in your stomach that day
i cannot make you drunk
i am not the reason why you get ****-faced
i am so much worse than that

i am none of these things
these vices and addictions
i am so much worse than those
i will fill your head with my breathe
the smell of day old sweat and self loathing
i will make you want to live ******
we will make half empty promises to
throw away our blades together
until my mom found mine
and i wondered where you disappeared off to
i will not make you puke
up anything but your lies and fears
i will wrap them in bubble-wrap and rub down
all their jagged edges until you can no longer
feel them jabbing into your lungs
and vocal cords
keeping you from asking for help
and oh baby
i can make you feel so much better
or worse than any type of alcohol ever can
i can get you drunk off my skin
the soft curves of my waist
and my pillowy thighs
i am worse than any story book
hero or villain or otherwise
because when the lights get turned on
and the closet gets checked for monsters
i do not go away
you think of my always and every day
my name is constantly on the tip of your tongue
and i know how you long to wrap your
arms around me and hold me close

you see i am worse than
all these things
because
i have a heart beat

you say you see my light
is it behind my eyes
or hidden in between my crooked teeth
does it seep out through the scars
littering my arms
the constant paper cuts on my finger tips
does it crawl out through the paper fine
skin i tear off my lips
or do i bite off my light when i
chew my nails down to the quick
does the light hide behind my cuticles
and i the only reason why i can’t see them
is because they are hidden by the blood
of the skin being stretched back too far
does my light hide in my little toes
or is it hidden behind my smile
the one place i wouldn’t think to look

you say you see my light
and i have scoured my body
fully clothed and naked as a jaybird
with my failing eyes
with and without my glasses
sometimes being blurry is better than the
harsh light of a new days reality
and i want to run away
but my flaws
they leave a bright
burning black and blue and indigo
trail behind me
and it pains my heart and soul to see
that the brightest part of me
is all of my
insecurities

you say you see my light
and i wonder why that is
are your eyes bad as well
are they as bad as mine
do they see other things too
like the knuckle shaped bruises
the scratches from last night’s nightmares
the shaking hands
and the scars
so many **** scars
but your eyes see only beauty
and i think you see it in me too
though i don’t know why
this is a notion i cannot conceive
maybe you’re just saying that to make me
feel better
but i know you’re too kind to tell such a lie

you say you see my light
and i can’t help but to wonder if
i manage to shine even half
as bright as she did
but that’s selfish of me
it is a terrible character flaw of mine
i just want someone to see past my
proverbial rain cloud
and the darkness i shroud myself in
though my clothes may be bright
my soul and heart are dark
and i just want to be a bright light
like a star
but instead i am like
an abyss
i **** all the light in
and give nothing back
i am a greedy boy
a greedy black hole
please fill me up
with your light

you say you can see my light
and i cried when i saw that comment
don’t think that was your intended reaction
but i have always been rather emotional
a ***** boy
a girly boy
a crybaby
but you say you see my light
and i am trying to believe you
i really am
but it is so hard
all these loud negative thoughts
they invade my mind
dance and scream and *****
me with pins behind my eyes

you say you can see my light
and if i were an angel
all my grace would have run out
i pour my light into other people
and keep none for myself
i am a burnt out husk
but you still make me feel beautiful
please i beg of you
take your weathered old hands and pry open
my eyelids
make me see the light
help me to look in a mirror
and not hate what i see
help me to see my light
i want to see it

you say you can see my light
and i am trying my hardest to
believe you

i saw that post on facebook
with the picture of you
always smiling
was what the caption said
and i guess yesterday was your birthday
i think you would have been eighteen
right
i’m not really sure
i’ve never been good with numbers
but eighteen seems like a good age to be
you probably would have been driving by now
maybe i could have coerced you to drive us
to the movies
if i promised to buy the tickets
and if you were still with us
yesterday
and the yesterdays before that
all the way back to that fateful day
i would have made sure that you knew
how loved you were
by everyone you knew
and by everyone that knew you

it rained today
the day after your birthday
and yeah okay part of me
is glad that it was all nice and sunny
for you and i hope that you got
outside and danced around in a really
flowy and poofy purple dress
maybe you wore your red glasses
i have a pair like them
they live in my grandparents kitchen
up on a little shelf inside of a glass jar
sometimes when i am there
i try them on
and pretend that i am in fourth grade again
and we are sitting next to each other
and you are teaching me how to draw monkeys

i prayed for you
yesterday and today and i will
do the same tomorrow
though my version of praying is just
angry and yelling and swearing
sometimes i beg for you back
because i wanna go back in time
and make better friends with you
but i was just so shy
and you were this radiant ball of light
i could see you in all your focused glory
even without my glasses
you shone like your own galaxy
the moon
and the stars
and the sun
everything orbiting around you
growing better and brighter
in your presence
you were an angel even before you
had to go back home

it didn’t feel right to
wish you a happy birthday out loud
i didn’t want to cause your family any
more pain than my inane way of trying to
help probably already has
but all i know is words
they flow through my veins
in place of the blood that i am trying
really hard not to constantly spill
and you made me think twice about
wanting to die so young
knowing and hoping and wishing
that you were watching over us all
is what has gotten me through this
rocky and turmoil filled years
some say i am too young to be this sad
too young to want to die this bad
but heck i just wanna sit next to you again
feel your warmth
seeping into my frozen skin
you thawed my heart from it’s icy casing
but then you had to go back home
and my heart froze up again

it still doesn’t feel right
to put the word happy before birthday
when i am thinking
speaking
writing
or talking of and about you
but i sang happy birthday yesterday
lit imaginary candles
and baked you a cake that looked and
tasted like the sunrise and sunset
and i know that for a fact because
i ate three pieces and made myself sick
the party inside my head was so lonely
though the voices and i did hang streamers
and we all wore party hats
but your invitation must not have gone through
maybe your wings were too tired
to fly down to my little corner of the universe
and that’s okay
i’m not angry
i just wanted you to know that i still think of you
and i did wish you a happy birthday
even though it was quiet
and the party just wasn’t the same
without you

sitting on the toilet
taking a ****
because there is no nice way to
say i am emptying my body of the
garbage that i have shoved into
my gaping maw of a mouth
today
tonight
it’s dark out
but i’m not sure what time it is
everything is blurry
my eye is gummy
i can feel the staples
pulling out when i blink
in and out
they stick and unstick
a timeless rhyme
but ******
i saw the vanity scissors
through the slit in the back of the drawer
and i thought of taking them to my wrists
and throat
and thighs
and arms
wondered how sharp they would be
didn’t care what was caked on them
i just wanted to let out
this demon smoke
trapped under my skin
it tries to seep out through my mouth
but gets caught between my teeth
maybe that’s why they have a faint
greyish tinge to them
the red lining isn’t gums anymore
it is simply self hatred and destruction
and the skin of this innocent girl that
i use to floss my teeth with
because you must keep fangs razor sharp
when all you have is nubs for finger tips
and my toes are useless cuz all they
do is crack and splinter and bleed
my fingers fly across the keyboard
but not fast enough
falling behind
slipping on the trail of spilled ink
a purple and pink and red and orange
and cotton candy blue
mess running down my thighs
all i bleed now is a broken string
of i am so ******* sorry

i shower
this is not an unusual occurrence
i like to wash off the ***** feeling
that having nightmares
constantly
night after night brings upon
my body and soul

today i
shower not to cleanse myself
of a person
but to force the feeling of texas dirt
deep into my marred skin
i harshly push the sound
of lightning storms into my eardrums

i let
the stinging nettles
really my own fault for not
wearing boots out in the texas woods
wrap themselves around my sweaty ankles
dragging me deep into the ground
closer to him

though are
you still above ground
my dear uncle
you would think that after all
the funerals i have been to
i would know how
these things work huh

i don’t
want to imagine you cold and alone
in a lifeless and
sterile morgue
so instead i will imagine you at the lake
when you and lana built a treasure chest out of sand

i wonder
if you locked away her heart that day
so that when you had to leave
she would only feel a floating brokenness
like the distant ache of a broken bone
always there
but just in the background

i know
that that is not what my father feels
i remember talking on the phone to you
and answering the phone with hi pops
but then your laugh gave you away
your laughs are different
but they both come from deep in your bellies

if i
could take away my fathers pain
i would and i would
transfer it on to myself
so he could only feel that broken bone ache
because my dear father he went from a whole
to half of a soul

going to church didn’t stop the
constant chattering of my teeth
and my psych nurse says it’s just
a side effect
but i’m certain that it is all the
words that i have never said
the ones that i am too afraid to say
they are tearing my mouth apart
and it feels like my tongue is going to
be bitten in two
maybe my teeth will jump out of my
mouth and do a little dance
a ****** little dance
i have done those before
so many ****** little dances
over and over again

my mother said that it would
be disrespectful of my to keep
the rosary from my great grama’s
jewelry box
even though it was just a little old
pink colored and plastic thing
because i don’t believe in god
but ******
i just wanted to be closer to her
when wearing her earrings aren’t
enough because her sweet old voice
whispering in my ear
is drowned out by the screaming
screaming scream constantly screaming
voices and i just want to be close to her
i want to lay next to her
feel her warmth next to me
but she has been gone for years

my friend i know that you
are sad so very sad
but it does not last forever
and yeah i can’t lie and say that
i have never considered taking my
own life
i have nightmares about my suicide
and those times i actually succeed
but that is not the easy way out
think of how much that would
mess up your family and your friends
my dear friend take your fists away
from the side of your head
put your safety on
even making a finger gun isn’t
allowed in my house
i even feel guilty for having the toy
little two plastic cowboy guns that i keep
in a box under my desk
like they will protect me from what is inside
of my head

please put the blades down and
yes it does matter where you got
them from
whether they made it out of the store
in your pocket
the cardboard rubbing against your thigh
salvaged from pencil sharpeners
because you do not need a scalpel
the only surgery you are performing
is on your self
and your self hatred
and that is not what growing up is about

i remember wanting to grow up
when i was just a little boy
but there were no marching bands in the
city there were only pride parades
and i was too young to join in
but now i would give anything
to be a little kid again
this is what keeps me up at night
to the sound of my family breathing
all throughout the house
and i am the only one awake
but growing up does have it’s perks
you get stronger
you get to stay out later
you get to move out
you can date whoever you want
i mean **** yeah
you can be who you really are
because you are a grown lady or man
you are all grown up
and that is when your life truly begins

so put down the pills the
blades and turn the safety on with your
finger gun
take your fists away from your head
throw away the notes you wrote
because nobody should ever have to read them
no i am not going to make you promise not to
do these things when the world comes crashing down
but i do want you to know that they are just a crutch
they may help you walk now
but later on they will only drag you down
and growing up means moving forward
though sometimes it is two steps forward
and one step back
but you will get better
there is a light at the end of the tunnel
and no it is not hellfire
it is the bright light of a new day
where the sun is shining
and the smile on your face is genuine
because growing up also means growing out
out of your old habits and into the process of
loving your body
and who you have grown up to become
because hating yourself
but then loving and accepting yourself
is what growing up is all about
and you are going to make it
****** i believe in you
and i will be there for you
every step of the way