it's 11:11 and I have nothing left to wish for
my life has turned into a cascade of broken promises
and a million shutting doors
my walk has become illegible to emotion
along with my filthy writings you seem to love
at times I confuse my dreams with reality
in hope for one to better
I'm living in a nightmare that I cannot awake from
and the thought of that sends chills down my spine
because happiness was the piece of me he shattered
I have only longed for a time of rejoice
but instead found myself emotionally distressed
I now know that even a wish couldn't save me
from the sorrow and pain I feel tonight

I guess some people just really don't understand what it's like to be in love & how one can take complete control over your mind & you not be able to do a **** thing about it but lay there at 4:54 in the morning & write about it because they're consuming so much of your soul you forget what sleep is but you continue on & let it happen because you think that's what's best for you & you havnt yet realized that the someone you are giving all of your time too is asleep right now & you havnt crossed their mind since the morning they left your house but the one time they decided to send you a message as to why they couldn't talk & it breaks your heart to hear but you still go on begging for them all at once until you look back at the time & notice it's now 5:00 in the morning & you're still writing & they're still sleeping with no connection in between expect for this stupid run on sentence that they'll never come to read.

It was our first real fight that hurt the most. The look in your eyes when you spoke those cruel words and your evil smile that followed. I had never been in such a situation for this time it had been my fault you hurt so badly and I didn't know how to make it stop. You said things that you knew would eat and tear at my skin. You spoke so freely and cold hearted for a handsome one like you. I sat tuned in waiting for the force of your words to send me flying accrossed the room. Little did you know my chest was caving and anxiety gave me no control. I couldn't get out a single word without choking upon the continuous apologies that meant nothing to you. I sat so little in front of your widened structure and muscular arms. You had your own shield made and I was just a little bit of nothing. The power you had drove me insane and I knew then that I was ******* because I have never loved an individual so much that I became vulnerable for their forgiveness. And here I was on my hands and knees begging oh so badly. I told myself I would not allow this to become the ending of us for we have so many more obstacles in life to face and to let this, out of any, tear what we have apart would be foolishness. I do not believe there is any right way to go about this mess I've caused but I'm only hoping this is the best way. I love you dearly and I'm ready for you to come home when you are.

How do I escape from this
the fire is rapidly increasing
Just a little dust particle, I am
Waiting for my turn to end
I can feel the heat on my skin,
Panic shows no way out
all that I have come to know,
Is crumbling beneath me now
I have lost all my breath
Every inch has gone up in flames
You were who I chose to save,
you made it out okay
As for I, with nothing left
Turned into a pile of ash
Maybe someday you'll realize that
You're the reason I burned to death

I once tried to erase our memories
and found myself
cutting away at my skin
for the coldness without you
was unbearable
and I found my fist reentering the walls repeatedly  
trying to block out the image I saw
of us in the room together
I washed my sheets
and tossed and turned late at night
because my bed never felt the same without your presence
my chest caved in every waking morning
without you here
I honestly don't know how I'm still managing
or how my heart remains beating
without the blood your love supplied
my body is drained
and lungs will soon reach zero capacity
if I continue smoking the nicotine
my body craves
and I can never inhale enough toxic
to forget the memories
you wrote within me
but the first time I tried
did not stop me from trying again
so here I am
with cut up skin and ****** knuckles
lying cold in the sheets
with a broken heart that's barely holding on
and filling my lungs with a poison
heartache taught me to love
for I can not forget

my bones are weakening
and my spine can not accompany
the weight your name carries
along every turn and edge
within my fragile whole
for I traced your name along
the parts of myself I could not
hold together
you gave me a meaning to life
that made a lot more sense
than the plan I had imagined
without you here my body aches
in all the empty spots
you no longer occupy
a stream of tears and loss of words
now haunts the place where I always found myself looking for you
leaving me here to feel
more cold and alone than ever before
and if it is to be as true as you say
meaning my existence is very well numb to you
I'll now allow myself to believe
the love was only one sided
you were nothing but a human toxic
eating at my very own soul
and I allowed you in
but never more will this continue
I'll learn to manage fine without
like the nicotine my body craves
you were only another tempting withdraw

maybe if I relax my tongue before I fall asleep it will slowly fall back into my throat & suffocate me until I reach my death. for without you there is no reason to live any longer. the communication is in such lack & I don't really know if you care anymore. would I be here at 3:32 wondering this if you did? or would you be here to comfort the burning sensation in my chest that arose when you first left.

'its a good morning' you said. as we sat side by side fingers locked together listening to the rain fall upon the windows in my car. little did I know that it may have been the last we spent together.

ironic how the rain just began to fall upon my bedroom window. you see the only sad part about it all is you're not here with me to enjoy this memorable time. perhaps it's a conspiracy that this has happened. you may be laying somewhere else in this small town of troy doing the exact same thing as I am & it's only a sign that our love has become inseparable. or maybe I've just gone insane, but let me tell you something my love, 'it's a good morning'.

I never planned for my wrist to match
the color of my nails
nor did I expect myself to paint
the lungs of my own
my favorite shade of color
but like my father once said
when I was just a little girl
life goes on
one day my flesh will ly beneath
the ground you walk
and there will be little to no
memories left
of your name carved into my skin
or my blackened lungs
from the poison you taught me to love
it will all seem so distant
and one day
the existence of myself
will be nothing but a dream
to you and for I

I'm at a loss of words
each and every time
I try to write about you
you have complete control
over all emotion
in my body
I crave your love
more than any addiction
I've come to known
there's something about you
that I attach myself to
an unbreakable connection
I'm falling for oh so quickly
because
life without you
doesn't seem to be an option
but if it were to end that way
all rapture would be destroyed
my body more fragile
than before
and all this time I'd wish
I'd spent it with you more

maybe there's a reason we don't see our own beauty. it's a strive towards selflessness. it'd be the cause of interference with our capability to see the rest of the world as beautiful as it is. with so many places to go & things to see we forget to notice the eternity within our own soul. we underestimate the scale of life itself. because without your individually unique ways we wouldn't go on to live in this incredulously magnificent world. an outcome of intelligence & stupidity.

We both agreed on
An apartment in the city
Where we'll be able
to full fill a lifetime,
Together
Reaching every want and need
The two of us shall encounter
having time left to get lost
In the ocean of experience
mixing my love with yours
in a blender of rejoice
because that's all I've ever wanted
Just you and the city

I'll never understand
or grasp ahold to reason
why'd you take my hand
and force me to leave him

Once we made our route
you promised not to tell
though everything is out
I drown in overwhelm

Pushed down underneath
my lungs are being filled
I didn't mean to breathe
but I couldn't remain still

You are the hands holding down
wishing that I'd die so soon
if I weighed less in pound
I'd be gone after a single tune

I'm sorry that I'm fighting
it's a force of bad habit
if I could control my act
I'd choose not to fight it

I'd let you drown me now
forever taking my soul
make you take a bow
for you accomplished my only goal

Perhaps I'm not the only
who fears what I'll become
Has anyone else considered
Their plan is already done
A destiny chose for them
One they'll never truly know
It won't be until the end
When they are answered yes or no
Subconsciously I am lost
Afraid of being ******
with all the luck my soul has claimed
I'll chose the path that's wasn't planned

the shame in conversation
why'd i allow myself to ask
could've witnessed an observation
now I'm faced to where my mask
never shall I revile my sane
through times I had been punctured
if it had remained the same
my soul would rest in comfort
disregarding my thoughts alone
an assortment of bad habit
such awful torture had been thrown
devising my pain emphatic

nobody will ever compare
you've left your mark on me
a scar I have to wear
where once you held me sleep
though tonight I lie awake
wishing you were here
no more smiles for me to fake
I have released my first tear
if you were to see me now
I wonder how you'd react
would you feel bad for how
you lied to disguise the fact
or would you carry on
vanishing out of sight
dragging yourself along
wishing you had said goodnight

the only good is in my past,
my present is a gift from hell,
resembling a time of fast
torturing myself in overwhelm
drowning within my flesh
razor seized a bit too deep
holding onto what is left
remind me to get some sleep
dreaming holds me back
though life pushes forward
happiness had been attacked
my pain is being hordered
let the darkness steal my soul
vanish without remembrance
guide the burier to a hole
let alone to walk the entrance

I'll never understand why you crinkle your nose when you're unsure about something, gaze around when you don't know what to say, shove your hands in your pockets when you're nervous, press your lips together when you know I'm right, look at me when the situation is uncomfortable, say you don't care when that's all you care about, shame on what you love most, beg for me when you are intoxicated, lie to hide how you truly feel, ignore me when you know you've messed up, tighten your jaw when you're embarrassed, say absolutely nothing when you wish to say a million, walk away when you want to stay, come up with excuses to cross paths once more, smile and look down slightly when you're feeling flattered, pretend to believe that I don't know you like the back of my hand.

I find every **** thing about you so intriguing & I want to dive right in filling every lost or forgotten bit of your unkept soul. I want you to chose love over lust & find that curiosity is what controls the minds & to know that the power of the mind is so incredible & precious. it holds every invention possible to man in this entire beautiful creation. though millions of things have not yet been unfolded. but what I also want you to know is that the mind is what created my love for you. every time I steal a glance upon your handsome face endorphins are released into my ongoing mind making me fall harder & harder every **** second. you're overtaking my own & I'm not sure if I should let it be or try to fight it off but baby you are so powerful. you are what keeps me going you see. this love is contagious & right now you have my hormones going crazy begging for you all at once. may I ask how you became so metaphorically delicious? how can one fall so hard for another they lose all ambition to do anything except produce more love for them? you have extended my mind into this vast place that is oh so fond & inviting. you have showed me what love really is & I shall never take anything you do or say for granted. I will cherish every second I get with you because I would never want it any other way. & though you will never come to read this I only wish the best for you & what your future holds in front of you because I have never loved anything or anyone as much as I love you

& as the days drag on without you, I continue on my way hoping you'll return.
there is no significance to my train of thought, it is the apprehensive rage that has taken over. the emptiness without you has left me bewildered. you were my refuge from the life I now live & since you've left there are no more escapes. you've concealed yourself away from me & my happiness went with you. I no longer know how to pretend I'm doing fine without you. i miss you so much

I have come to realization
that no matter the circumstance,
Any situation is encounterable
As long as your by my side,
we have climbed mountains
And burried ourselves deep,
Yet still remained connected
In the most vulernable way,
I love you more than what
the moon and stars are able to hold,
Every day allows us another journey
Not a moment with you shall
ever go to waste

sometimes I just want to cuddle & kiss & be cute with you because that's what you'd expect out of two teenagers then other times I want to smack you in the back of the head for being a goofball & mess up your hair that you seem to be so crazy about & laugh when you get mad because the face you make when you're embarrassed is the cutest whether you believe it or not. & sometimes I even want to be serious & I want you to tell me what's got your world spinning & for you to open up to me & finally for once just let me help because that's all I've ever wanted to do. & sometimes I want for you to read all the things I've ever wrote for you & take them to heart & realize how much I truly do care for you & appreciate everything you have done to help maintain my happiness in life when you didn't have to. but sometimes I just simply want to be together & know that you love me & I love you. because hell you're all I want.
is that too much to ask for?