the silence of an unspoken word
occupies the mind.
questions swim around,
"what if" and "how come"
what if I tried harder?
or maybe less,
then he'd miss me.

it's not the way you'd kiss me oh-so nervously for the first time, or
how your hand would secretly find mine, during a lazy day movie;
it wouldn't be the way you'd say my name with a lisp on the "S",
or hearing that laugh of yours or looking at your strikingly-blue eyes
that I'm falling in love with

but it's the thought of someone coming along
and giving me the time of day, and tensing my nerves
or my heart flutter  
or my head spin
the idea that I would feel something again
is what I'm falling for the most.

This boy that you've never particularly given a second thought, suddenly engulfs your thoughts. Always friends but never anything more. Sure, he was always cute and funny but it was never the right time or he was with her or you were with him. Now both of you have grown; his long shaggy hair turned into a short, perfectly-tousled mess and you, now moved away with a few broken hearts along the way.*

Here you sit in a room full of friends, yet his hands are the only ones that yours long to be held in.
10 minutes
his arm finds it's way around your hips, in-between couch pillows and small talk.
it's all right, nobody's watching. part of you doesn't want them to. a secret shared by body language, a secret hanging in the air between the two of you.
6 minutes
excitement is building, tension in the air growing heavier with each anticipated sideways glance.
your hand slowly inches across your body, blindly stumbling onto his. finally
2 minutes
your mind is racing with impossible thoughts as your fingers intertwine, still hidden,
a secret to be carried over to the new year.
:15
your muscles tighten, stomach fluttering
:11
new beginnings and second chances, spontaneity right?
:06
his arm pulls you closer, tighter.
:04
your body is overwhelmed with shivers and anxiety
:00
the television is flashing images of couples with their lips meeting, midnight kisses.
he turns to you and thats' it. emotionally, you're a goner.
he leans forward and he hugs you. and that's it. and you're okay with that.

mothers and fathers, without their child.
siblings, without their brothers and sisters.
the young and the innocent, killed in an act of anger and hatred
by a man who didn't even know their first name.
26 families with presents under a tree, never to be opened.
futures and potential, never to be fulfilled.
promises, regrets, last-words and mistakes.
these are the things that 26 families will be remembering this holiday season.
A time for joy and celebration, only a reminder
of the deepening hole in their hearts.