I hate lying in bed,
Blinds wide open.
Never ending black.

No sounds except those of your own breathing.
Not even that is comforting.

Silence like this makes you think.
& not even about all the good things' that have happened.
But every bad moment you face.

your brain turns somersaults.
Over
&
Over
&
Over
it rolls.

Never-ending?
no, at some point you drift off,
Finishing off the nightmares that started in your head.
At least when sleeping you don't remember it all.
Maybe one or two moments,
but even those fade as the day goes on.

Sleep used to be comforting.
What happened?



you did.
**<3

I see the push that starts it all,
The ready hands to catch the fall,
-crash- and burn,
Fleshy hands turned raw.
White pants turned crimson.

The one pained scream turned to words of rage,
"Don't touch her"
The slammings' of a door pulled back-then forth.
the click of the front door lock,
Fearfilled knockings.

Swear words and crashings stumbling up the steps.
Words so vile I could puke. Not now, or here.
Fearless.

Passing the devil on the steps.
"she's evil".
Good thing you have to pass a mirror,
see the demon staring back at you.

Run down the steps, swing open the front door.
take in the seen.
*******.
Wrist black and bulging, signs of a broken vein.
Bright red eyes, full of fury.
-Compassion.
What do I do,
What do I say, i'm not good with words?
"Are you okay?"
"yes"
liar.

More slams, more stomps.
Yeah, take your stuff.
Leave the key, even though I know you have another.
*******.
evil:"you're a ******* *****"
fear:"and she told me three years ago; no"

maybe i'm smarter than I realize.
more words,
Where's my older sister when I need her?
Oh yeah, dancing in a club no doubt.
**** her too.

Roar of an Engine,
the Slam of a broken mail box.
****.

Walk her inside,
wet cloth,
bandage,
blanket,
coffee,
what else?
i'm missing something.

Words of Compassion?
curling on her lap?
We lost that connection years ago.
But she needs me more than ever, and I have nothing to say.

I hope she falls asleep,
so I can end this role.
Go upstairs, curl in a ball.

Dream of something nice,
**** you.
How do you do that to someone you vowed to love.
**** you.
How can you look her in the eyes and do that.
**** you.
next time, you'll have to do that to me first.
Jack ***.

This is what alcohol does,
Won't touch that ****
Tears families apart,

*******,
go to hell.

I've lived fifteen years, and i'm already more than you'll ever become.
Face a fifteen year old.
I got more courage than you would've guessed.
Not strength.
But will.
I will keep my family going.
Without you too.

Rot in hell.

*******,









I love you.  









Let me go









Hold me forever







'Cause pain never felt so good.