Depression is hard to understand. The dictionary naively refers to it as, "feelings of severe despondency and dejection." But what does the dictionary know about depression? I think depression is more complicated than that. But I don't quite know what that consists of. I've been trying to figure it out for months now, and I just can't seem to understand. I don't know what depression is, but I can tell you what it's not.

Depression is not polite. Depression doesn't knock before he barges in. He just lets himself in, unannounced and unexpected, and leaves me gasping for what little air is left in the room.
Depression isn't clean. He doesn't tidy up after he makes a mess. He comes into my life like a hurricane, and leaves me to pick up the crumbled pieces of my rubbled life.
Depression isn't moral. He steals my happiness and kills my spirit. He doesn't abide by any common rules or laws, he makes his own rules and I have to play by them.
Depression isn't popular. The only "friends" he has are his victims. He drags me away from everyone who used to love me, and leaves me isolated in a cold, dark place.
Depression isn't respectful. He claws his way into the lives of so many genuine people and drives them to the brink of insanity. He has no regard for my thoughts or my feelings, stomping all over me until there's nothing decent left to salvage.
Depression isn't creative. He tells you everything as it is and makes you see all of the terrible things poisoning the world. He doesn't sugarcoat the truth, no matter how much it hurts, and he helped me clearly see even my smallest of flaws.
Depression isn't nice. He calls me ugly and tells me I'm worthless. The words he whispers ring in my ears: "**** yourself, **** yourself, **** yourself."

It's hard to define depression. It doesn't fit into a small box. I've practically driven myself crazy trying to figure out what it is and why this is happening to me. I don't understand depression, and no matter how hard I try to define it, I always fall short. I don't know if depression can ever be defined. While I try aimlessly to define the undefinable, depression ruthlessly takes advantage of me. I can try as much as I'd like, but I don't define depression, depression defines me.

This is not a game.

I am not going to be controlled by some stupid,
Greedy,
Arrogant,
Manipulative
Player like yourself.
I am not a piece in your game,
So stop treating me like plastic.
Stop pretending you can use me to win,
Where you get all the benefits,
And I get absolutely nothing in return.

You use me to get what you want,
Then you push me to the side.
You figure:
               *You don't need me anymore.
                A winner deserves better.
                But in my book you are not a winner.
You may have learned how to control me once,
How to own me,
How to make me do whatever it takes for you to win.
But never again will I allow that to happen.

And now I'm just trapped in a box,
A dreadful box you placed me in.
You make it a point to play me again sometime,
But quite simply never get around to it.
You used me like a piece in a game.
And do you know how that feels?
I have never felt so unwanted,
Unneeded,
Undesirable
In my entire life.
But you don't care,
Because you are the game master,
And you will do whatever it takes to win.

There will come a day
When you will run out of second chances.
There will come a day
When everything you've ever known will be gone in an instant.
There will come a day
When disaster strikes
         And you can't do a dang thing about it.

We all have become so prone to the idea of disaster.
We think that it will always happen to someone else.
But it can happen to you at any moment.
Your loved ones:
         Gone.
Your possessions:
          Gone.
Your life as you know it:
          Gone.

In the blink of an eye,
Everything can disappear.
You are not safe from the evil of the world.
If anything,
You are at your most vulnerable point.
In merely seconds,
You could get cancer,
Or a tornado could strike your house,
Or you,
Or a loved one,
Could die.

This is not a call to scare you,
Or make you run away.
This is just to make you realize how special life is.
And how you should cherish it,
Every single day.
But most importantly,
          Remember:
                             You can not run from disaster.
                             Disaster will strike you.
                             Just be prepared to take it.

                             And know that it was all for
                                                             ­       *The Better.

Black or white,
We are all human.
Straight or gay,
We are all human.
Tall or short,
We are all human.
Small or large,
We are all human.
Republican or Democrat,
We are all human.
Smart or average,
We are all human.
Athletic or brittle,
We are all human.
Secure or insecure,
We are all human.
Outcast or accepted,
We are all human.

Society is defined by stereotypes.
We are so quick to judge.
But it shouldn't  matter what we look like,
Or what our opinions are.
We are all apart of the same race:
The human race.
We may seem different,
But we really are very much alike.
We all have the same parts,
Just our own ways of expressing them.
We all struggle,
In one way or another.
Reach out your hand to a fellow human in need.
The pain is more bearable together.

We are individuals,
But we are one:
One race,
One species,
One community,
One population,
One identity.

*We are one.

Every girl deserves to be reminded of how beautiful they are.
Every girl deserves be told they are loved.
Every girl deserves to know that someone is always there for them.
Every girl deserves support.
Every girl deserves someone to talk to in the middle of the night.
Every girl deserves to know how amazing they are.
Every girl deserves someone that makes them happy.
Every girl deserves a shoulder to cry on.
Every girl deserves to be treated like a lady.
Every girl deserves to know how special they are.
Every girl deserves to have fun.
Every girl deserves to be happy.
Every girl deserves to be told that they are perfect.
Every girl deserves to be loved.

But sadly,
Not every girl has that.
Most girls sit alone in their rooms at night,
And cry.
Because no one is really there for them.
No one reminds them of their assets.
No one sees their beauty
People take advantage of them.
And when those girls look in the mirror,
All they see is their flaws and imperfections.
They look at themselves in the reflection,
And hate what they see.
They cry for what seems like forever.
Then wish that they were someone else.
Someone prettier,
Someone better,
Someone happier,
Someone skinnier,
Someone richer,
Someone with a better life than their own.

But they don't see their strengths.
And most of the time,
They never will.
Girls only see their ugliness,
And that's always what they will see.
Society has formed an image of women.
You have to look like models and celebrities,
Or else you're considered ugly.
You have to have a perfect body,
Or else you're considered fat.
But all a girl really needs is someone to tell them they are beautiful the way they are.
They may never actually believe it,
But at least they know that you think that,
And it makes them start to transform their vision of themselves,
Into what they actually are,
Which is a beautiful girl who is perfect in every single way.

Life is a war and today was a battle. I suited up for the day with armor around my heart and a brave face to hide what a mess I am inside. I keep marching, keep staggering on no matter how much it hurts, and I choke back the tears forming on the brim of my eyes.

Soldiers don't cry. Soldiers carry on even when they're wounded. Soldiers have to be strong. Soldiers have to fight. But, what if I don't want to fight anymore?

Now, I'm laying in bed after another long battle. I made it through this one. I may be exhausted, but I'm still here and I guess that is all that counts. But, the fact that I will have to lace up my boots and do this all again tomorrow makes me sick. Everything in me wants to waive my white flag and surrender. I'm so tired of fighting for my life. It's pointless, fighting for something I don't even want anymore.

For, today, I may have won the battle, but make no mistake, I am losing this war.

You said you would be here forever.
Where are you now?
You said you would never leave me.
Where are you now?
You said that you would always catch me when I fell.
Where are you now?
You made promises you couldn't keep.
You said things you didn't mean.
You shattered my heart into a million pieces.
You abandoned me.
Left when I was at my most vulnerable.
Now I'm left here all alone.
You were my safety net.
But you ditched me and took off.
When you left, it hurt so bad.
I've never felt so weak,
So powerless,
So unloved.
It's all because of you.
So many unanswered questions,
I would love to know the answers to.

Why aren't you still here?
Why did you leave me?
What am I supposed to do?

But the question that pains me the most,
The one that breaks me,
Is the one I have been asking,
Ever since you disappeared.

*Where are you now?

I'm an honest girl.
You're an honest boy.
Let's let love make
Honest fools of us.

However,
We are not liars.
We are not ****.
We will not let love make
Dishonest monsters of us.

The lights are dimmed.
The movie is about to start.
But all you can think about is the boy sitting next to you.
It's your first date,
Hopefully the first of many.
You're nervous,
But composed.
As the movie starts,
You try to distract yourself from the guy sitting just inches away from you.
You look in his direction.
The movie flashes short glimpses of light on his face.
You see the small glint in his pure blue eyes.
You could melt in those eyes forever.
Then he turns,
Looks you in the eyes,
And gives you a smirk that sends butterflies through your body.
You feel electric.

He continues to tantalize you.
Eventually, you can't hear the movie anymore.
All you can hear is your rapid heartbeat in your ears.
You're so nervous you could pass out.
And then he grabs your hand,
And gives it a comforting squeeze.
He entwines his fingers with yours,
Making you feel special.
All you can focus on is him.
You examine his profile,
While your hands stay connected.
And you want to stay in this moment forever.

After awhile,
He turns to face you.
You look into his eyes for what seems like eternity.
He grins that grin,
Making all your problems disappear.
And he glances longingly at your shinning lips.
You know what he wants.
All you can do is smile back,
Before he leans in.

Your lips connect,
And fireworks explode in your heart.
Suddenly, you forget about all the bad in the world.
All that matters is you two,
In this moment,
Together.
Then, the kiss is broken.
Both of you gasping for air.
He smirks at you another time.
And you loose control.
This time it's you who leans in.
And you are connected once again.
There may have been a lot of other people in that theater,
But in this moment,
It's just you and him,
No one else.
You may never know how the movie ended,
Or who saved the day.
But you will know that you and him
Lived happily ever after.

Maybe fairy tales do come true.

I was once a little girl
I smiled and I was free
Until I had trouble keeping up
With what my parents asked of me

Now, they tell me to be normal
They thinks it's as easy
As acting like that happy girl
I always used to be

But mommy, we both know I've changed
Look me in the eyes
And daddy, I'm not happy anymore
Can't you see that when I cry?

Mommy, I'm so sorry, mommy
Can't you hear my screams
Daddy, I'm still here, daddy
I'm having more bad dreams

Mommy, daddy, please don't ignore me
Please help me find my breath
I fear relief from my constant terrors
Will only come through death

Mommy, daddy
Help me

Please

Death is consuming all the life in me

It was 3 in the morning and I was clinging to the only reason I had to stay like my life depended on it. Because it is the only thing my life depends on. She is the one thing keeping me alive. But I've started to think that maybe she doesn't even want me anymore. She's my best friend, but she has better friends than me. She loves so many people more than she loves me. A hug, a text, a smile, or any signal that she still wanted me in her life would have been the only thing I needed to stay. But it never came. Everything became so clear. I'm not good enough and I don't deserve her friendship.  It all makes sense now. I mean, I wouldn't want me in my life, so why should she? Now, I don't even know what's keeping me here anymore. It's time for me to go.

A mirror is a girl's worst enemy.
We know what pretty is,
But we don't see it in ourselves.
We know what ugly is,
And we see it everywhere in ourselves.
A mirror is just an object,
A piece of glass propped upon a door.
Why do we let that control our life?

You want to know why?
Because, frankly,
It displays the absolute truth.
It doesn't lie like so many people in this world.
It bends light,
But it doesn't bend the truth.
Girls become so obsessed in what that slab of glass displays:
A young girl,
Not yet 16.
A girl trying to find her strength behind the tears.
A girl trying to find her beauty behind her insecurities.
All because an inanimate object showed her something she didn't want to see.

But if you look deeper,
You will see that no "ugliness" is really worth it.
Ugliness should not be a factor in our life.
Whether you include someone or not shouldn't be based on beauty.
It should be based on character.
Once you come to terms with that,
You will be in control.
You can look past your "ugliness" in the mirror.
And when you look at that reflection,
You search deep into your soul.
You find yourself.
You learn to deal with what you got,
Even though you are not perfect.
Celebrate those imperfections
That the smudged mirror presented to you.
Because without them,
You just wouldn't be yourself.
They are what make you, you.

I don't know why I do this.
I don't know why I care.
I don't know why I waste my life
Wishing you were there.
You made me feel special.
You led me on.
And next thing I know,
****! You're gone.
You're on to the next girl,
The next lucky winner.
You used to be good,
But now you're just a sinner.
I loved you with all I had.
I gave you my all.
I'd run a thousand miles for you,
If you would only call.

I say I'm over you,
But I'd have to say that's a lie.
I'll never be over you.
All I do is cry.
I think about you,
All night and day.
I'm hoping we'll talk,
And you hear what I have to say.
Your soft, sweet eyes
Make me smile.
Your beautiful laugh
Makes life worth while.
When I look at you,
It sends shivers down my spine.
All I want in the world,
Is to still call you "mine."

But you've moved on.
I have to set you free.
It's not fair to you,
And it sure isn't fair to me.
I'll say it one last time,
And then I'll let you go.
I love you.
I hope you always know.

Every hour,
Of every day,
I feel timeless,
Unbeatable,
Irreplaceable.
But if I stop to think,
I know that's not true.
We all have an expiration date.
A hundred years from now,
There will be a whole new generation walking this planet.
So you may ask yourself,
What is the point?
This may seem unanswerable,
Unthinkable,
Unfathomable,
But not everything in life can be defined.
We have to discover it for ourselves.
We are put here to laugh,
To cry,
To shine,
To love,
To accomplish,
To master the impossible,
To break free of our binds,
To be successfull,
To be unique,
To build relationships,
To wonder,
To challenge our minds,
To expand our senses,
To take chances,
To waste no time,
To cherish the moment,
To be remembered,
To change lives,
To make the world a better place.
So next time you ponder:
Why am I here?
Know the answer is not far away.
You just have to examine your mind,
Search deep into your heart,
And find it for yourself.

So let me ask you,
One final time, my friend,
*Why are you here?

You're my best friend.
You know how i have felt.
You know my every weakness,
And every problem I've ever dealt.
You understand my wonders,
And listen to my dreams.
You know how I feel about life.
And know what it all means.
You give me hope,
When none can be found.
I know you got my back.
You'll always be around.
Not once have you let me down,
Or told me i was wrong.
You understand what I go through.
Please promise you'll stay long.
Because now i want to tell you,
How much you mean to me.
To have you as my bestest friend,
For as long as the eye can see:

When we were little kids,
Those were the glory days.
We all had aspirations.
Our little hearts would speak to us,
And tell us exactly what to do.
In our little world,
Nothing was impossible.
Our day consisted of nothing more than
Laughing,
Playing,
Imagining,
And living.
We had broken arms,
Not broken hearts.
And boys weren't worth a single tear.
We could play without worry.
Live without care.
There was no such thing as evil.
And everyone learned to share.
But I've noticed as we grow up,
We loose our most important values.
We forget how to forgive.
How to treat others equally.
How to include.
How to, quite simply,
Love.
I want to go back to when I was a kid.
And stay like that forever.
As our years grow greater in number,
We take a reality check.
We realize how fast the clock is ticking,
That our days just keep getting
Fewer and fewer.
It really ***** to grow up.
No one wants responsibility or wrinkles.
But it's all just a part of life.
It's evil,
But we have to learn to deal with it.
We have to actually grow up,
And act like adults.
Transform into the boring,
Dull
Adults
We were destined to be.
There is no escaping,
This horrid fate called
"Growing up."
But I don't think I'm quite ready yet.
And I don't know if I'll ever truly be ready,
Because I will always know,
In the back of my mind,
How innocent,
How pure,
How caring,
How complete
I used to be.
I want to be young forever.

I'm free-falling into the unknown.
And baby,
I feel just fine.
I'm falling into the hands of love,
And I've never been happier.
How can I be sure this isn't a dream?
Things this good never happen in real life.

You are my Prince Charming,
My Romeo,
My everything.
And I'm begging you with all I have,
Please don't let me go.
This could be perfect,
This could be real,
This could be everything we have ever dreamed of.

So my darling,
Take my hand,
And take my heart.
I promise you,
They're yours for the taking,
Yours for the making,
Yours for the breaking.
But they're yours,
And only yours.

I will give you my love,
Give you my all.
Now let me ask,
Can we free-fall into vast, scary, exciting, adventurous, unknown territory together?
We can face it together,
Live it together,
Get through it together.
Together.
That's such a strong word.
But I'm ready.
I'm ready to free-fall into the unknown with you.

I know you're scared.
I know you don't know what will happen.
But also know that I am here for you.
When you hurt,
I hurt.
When you cry,
I cry.
And that's because we're best friends,
And we're here to face the world together.

Being strong is hard,
Which is why you can lean on me.
Staying strong is even harder,
Which is why you can count on me.
You feel like you have no where to go,
But I'm right here.
You feel like there's no one here for you,
But I'm right here.
I got your back,
You got mine.
When you need help,
Know I will be there.

I know that life is tough for you right now,
But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
It will get better,
I promise you.
But until then,
You have to stay positive.
I will always be here,
Whenever you slip up,
Stumble,
Mess up,
Because friends don't let friends down.
And trust me,
I will never let you fall.

I will always be average.
Nothing more,
Nothing less.
I'm not going to be perfect.
I always blend in,
I never stand out.
Other girls don't know how it feels.
They're all so beautiful,
So original,
So unique,
That I always get overlooked.
It ***** to be the unnoticed one,
The girl who just tags along.
But one day, I want to be the noticed one.
I'm not saying I want to be super popular,
Or have guys lined up at my door.
I'm just saying that I wish I could,
For once,
Fell special,
Wanted,
Extraordinary,
And needed.
But that is near impossible.
I'm just average,
And that's all I will ever be.

When will the world stop being so cold?
I fear for the people of our generation.
There is so much chaos,
War,
And corruption.
We need to set the example,
Raise the bar a little higher.
Because we are getting nowhere with this mentality.
How are we ever going to move forward,
If we keep taking steps back?
How are we supposed to be happy,
When it seems like all the forces in the world are working against us.
In hindsight,
We are all just a speck on the windshield of life,
But we can make a difference.
If we work together,
Stand together,
And fight together,
We can reach something that seems so far away.
We can grasp a concept that once seemed impossible.
We can,
And we will
Achieve peace.

The loneliest people
Are the kindest.
The saddest people
Smile the brightest.
The most damaged people
Are the wisest.
The bravest people
Have deathly fears.
The popular people
Are the most empty.
The happiest people
Cry the hardest.
The most careful people
Stumble the most.
The smallest people
Have the biggest dreams.
The quietest people
Have the most to say.

Don't judge people by their appearance.
There is so much more to them.
They may seem predictable,
But they have another side of their life going on in their head,
A side you may never know existed.
You have no idea how that person is feeling,
What they are thinking.
The most you can do is understand.
Everyone has their own story,
And it's not for you to judge.

Last night, I went for a drive. The last text I sent was a lie I told my mother, that I was going to get ice cream with some friends. Then, I powered down my phone and started up my car.

My head was buzzing and my heart was aching. I needed it to stop. So, I hopped on a seemingly unending road, turned my music up to drown out my thoughts, and I just drove.

The city of Omaha slowly vanished behind me as the shadows of country roads set in. There were hardly any cars accompanying me on my thoughtless journey, and for once, I actually felt okay with the loneliness.
I was completely alone and the sky was completely dark.

It was then I realized how much beauty the night beholds. It is neither frightening nor overwhelming. It is as comfortable as home and as welcoming as an embrace.

That night, the darkness saved me. It was there, enveloped in the night, that I forgot about my issues. I didn't think about my inadequacy or my desolation.

My problems were nowhere to be seen and my feelings could not keep up with the pace of my car. I was so at peace that I could have driven forever. The darkness provided an escape from life and all the hardships that come with it.

Truth be told, I didn't want to go back. I wanted to disappear under the blanket of the night. I never wanted to be seen again.

The night and I, we belong together. The night is my newfound friend and I never want to leave its side. There was only one slight problem: morning would come eventually.

The sunrise was inevitable and darkness, my companion, would surely vanish. The rays of the sun would illuminate my vacancy. People would notice I was gone.

So, grudgingly, I turned my car around and headed back into the city. I prepared to once again face humanity and my problems became as evident as the increasing light. And, I made a promise to the darkness.

I vowed I would never forget the hospitality of the night. I swore I would return to the darkness, for it has been so good to me. Someday, the darkness will completely overtake me, and it will be as if I am welcoming an old friend home.

10 years.
That's how long I've known you.
2 days.
That's how long you've known her.
I guess it was instantaneous.
You seem to have it figured out.
She's everything you've ever wanted,
Everything you've ever dreamed.
But when I hear those things,
My heart breaks,
Because I've loved you since day one,
But you never loved me back.
She is perfect.
I'm not.
She makes you happy.
I can't.
I know it's not your fault,
You can't control your feelings.
But it hurts to see how easy it is
For you to fall for her.
It makes me feel worthless.
Like I am just not good enough.
You guys are great together,
And I can see your finally happy.
But what did I do that was so wrong?
For a whole *10 years,
Your feelings never changed.
I'm just the annoying girl.
The girl who won't let go,
But it's really hard to just let go of something
You've held on to so tightly
For *10 whole years.

More than anything else,
I want love.
Not the fake love that you see in the movies,
Or in other people's "relationships."
I want to find real love.
The kind of love that only a few people are lucky enough to have.
The kind of love that makes you stop and smile randomly during your day.
I want to love,
And be loved.
I want to find that one guy,
The guy who will bring me flowers for no reason,
Make me soup when I'm sick,
Tell me that he loves me just as a reminder,
Tell me that I'm beautiful,
And he never looses a chance to be with me.
That's what I want.
Just a nice, decent guy,
Who I can fall completely,
Head over heels
In love with.

But I'm afraid that the love I want,
Doesn't really exist.
That the guy I want,
Will never come around
That all my dreams only exist in fairy tales.
But more than anything else,
I'm afraid that I will never get my chance to love.

Life would be nothing without dreams.

Never let your dreams go.
Hold on to them tight,
Like your life depends on it.
And I promise you,
If you work hard towards them,

           *Dreams do come true.

Last night.