Two hundred twenty six point zero eight.
That's the quickest route from my door to yours.
I have never felt so alone.
You try to fill the void in my heart with phone calls,
I admire your attempts.
We fill the silences with:
"I love you"
"I miss you"
"I need you"
But it is not nearly enough,
it does not work.
I am still alone.
Waiting,
always waiting.
Waiting for this year to end.
Waiting for you to be closer.
Waiting for the day where you are not two hundred miles away, but a couple feet away.
Waiting for the day where we rest our head on the same pillow.
Waiting for the day where I stop crying every time I think about how far you are,
how long it is until I see you again,
how lonely I am.
Waiting to stop feeling so alone.
Waiting to get used to being left behind.
So
much
waiting.

I had a front row seat to the viewing of your implosion;
a season pass to watching you slowly crumble until you met your eventual demise.
To watch a person that you used to know so well drift away and change entirely is devastating. The world is ripped of it’s innocence, it exposes the evils lurking through the streets.
After watching you change completely I became a cynical, bitter and hateful person.
I had to, to protect myself.
I couldn’t let my guard down.
If I were to watch anyone else’s monsters take them over my heart would shatter.
Watching you fall apart was the most heart-wrenching experience of my life.
It has changed me.
I am not able to believe a word that anyone says because of you.
I cannot trust anyone because of you, not even myself.
You have left your mark on my life.
Our friendship has changed me.

The words coming out of your mouth were bitter, harsh and cold.

They hurt, you say them with spite, influenced by your monster,

which had taken over, you let it take control of your words, your actions.

I try my hardest to not let it get to me, tell myself it’s not you, I can’t help

it though. You had always been my protector, my hero,

I had always looked up to you, but not anymore.



What am I supposed to think? You’re not the same anymore.

Your actions are harsh, is it really you who’s being so cold?

Occasionally I see the ice melt in you. There you are, my hero.

What feelings are you trying so hard to bury that you turn into this monster?

You were supposed to be my rock, your job was to patch things together. Help

me, because I can only stay strong for so long, I can’t put on this act



much longer. I am not strong, nor am I brave, which is shown by my actions.

I’m a vault of secrets that would destroy what little is left. We’re not a family anymore.

We have betrayed each other’s trust. We’re unhappily living together, desperately in need of help.

We deny everything but our sadness. I remember the worst fight. It was summer, cold

only existed in the arguments that brought up things of the past, hurtful words fueled by the monster.

From that point on I watched it all crumble, you’d become this mean man, no longer my hero.



That night had changed my view on everything. I became scared of the person I used to call my hero.

I was terrified. Never had you frightened me like that before, your actions

were those of a heavily intoxicated mind, all caused by your monster,

which you can never seem to leave. Do you not see what it does anymore?

Tearing apart what is already torn? Do you not hear the words you say, those cold

words that embed themselves deep in the brain. There is no helping



you. I can only sit back and watch you weep. I want to help,

I need to help, here in front of me is this man I never saw sad, my hero.

The saddest thing I’ve ever seen was you the next morning, cold

water droplets on your back from your shower, as you cry, recalling your own actions

from the night before. At that point I have no idea what to do anymore.

Never had I been put in that situation, the unfamiliarity itself was a monster.



I used to fear the unknown, now I fear seeing more people I love become monsters,

haunted by the things they’ve done in the past, desperately in need of help

but too proud to get it. Often they turn away from those they’ve hurt, anymore

attention paid may result in another bonding with the monster, their own hero

they look up to it, searching for answers, not realizing that these actions

are what got them to where they are now. Is that why your heart’s now ice?



No more will I allow myself to view this monstrosity.

I will become a cold person, unaffected by arguments, not in need of any help.

No more heroes, I’ve learned that when you look up to others you’re likely to be let down by their actions

Stitched together too tightly; you’re ripping at the seams.

Your smile is a facade; it is a lie.

You fill yourself with false enthusiasm that it is spilling out, over your teeth and over your lips, out into the open.

Your true feelings taint the air, infecting all that are around you, you’re bringing everyone down.
You’re coming undone.

All the weight of the world that you’ve been trying to carry for so long is finally crushing you.

You’ve been the tough one for too long.

You’ve become the savored blanket that is so frayed it’s beyond recognition.

The one loose string that gets pulled until it is entirely unwoven.

You’ve fallen apart.

Remnants of the person that you were are scattered across the floor;

no one cares to put them back together again.

We collided one day. Limbs intertwined so tightly that they were impossible to separate. We lived for a while, happy at our joining. One day there was an itch that neither of us could get at, for our bodies had tied themselves together so well that we could not reach it. We started to grow uneasy, all because of that little itch. Uneasiness grew into discomfort and soon enough we needed to get away from each other. We needed to unravel from one another, but we didn’t know how. Pretty soon it got unbearable, being together constantly slowly killed our souls. We were ready to hack away our limbs just to escape each other. We had begun to formulate a plan, what we could do to get away without ripping ourselves to unidentifiable bits and pieces. Unfortunately we couldn’t think of an easy way of breaking free of each other. However we managed to tear ourselves apart one of us, if not both, would get hurt. How were we to do this?

Take my hand and run.

Collapse under the blanket that is the night sky and let me count the stars in your eyes.

Listen as I tell you how much you're worth.

My words bear much weight and I fear that I will bury you under them.

Could we collapse under all of this? Under the weight of the words we are afraid to say, the fears what we are afraid to admit out loud.

Do you believe that our fears would swallow us whole; do you think the weight of our feelings will crush us?

Our bones are too brittle to support the heaviness of our feelings.

We stretch ourselves thin, past state lines, past Fenway Park, past the Empire State building, through spotty cell phone reception in the mornings.

We steal precious moments from the time keeper, who waves his finger to remind us that we don’t have much longer.

When we are together late at night I close my eyes and put my ear to your chest, listening to the beat of your heart as the seconds thump on by. I try to memorize its beat for those nights when I am so lonely and you are far from me.

Those nights are the worst. I can picture you laying with me, I can almost feel your arms around me even though you are hundreds of miles away.