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Maddie Lane Aug 2024
was it worth it?
they'll ask,
the time
the effort
the love.
was it all wasted?

honestly,
i'll say,
i don't know.

it was my highest high
and some of my lowest lows

if you'd have asked me
where i thought i'd be by now
i'd tell you,
it wasn't here

i saw a future
(a long one)
full of growth
and love
and good food.

and maybe
(most likely)
i'm a naive fool

but maybe
(also likely)
i was just hopeful

so i'll stop short
of tearing my heart from my sleeve
i won't let myself grow cold and heart
i'll stay soft and tender
(for now)
Maddie Lane Jun 2024
there won't be a house,
picket fences,
or a pool

no stone house
in the italian countryside

no brownstones full of books

in fact,
there won't a future,
not for us,
and that's okay
(is what i tell myself)

at least
there's no shouting,
no hatred,
just
giving up

and that's fine
(is what i tell myself)

yes, i said goodbye
in a poem
six years ago
and now i'll have to say it again
i can do it
(is what i tell myself)

and maybe
one day
when all this is over
we'll be friends
(is what i tell myself)
Maddie Lane May 2024
don't know where to start
don't know when you stopped
caring
liking
wanting
i just know that it's gone

know that i'm
alone
& that you don't mind that

and that's okay
i guess
i'm used to it

i would've appreciated a warning
would've liked to not gotten into it so deeply
but whatever
life goes on
i guess
Maddie Lane Apr 2024
is this really it?

i guess so.

it's....
uneventful,
a slow break.

you don't care to stay,
and,
you don't care to go.

but,
i'm tired of keeping us afloat.
i've been trying for so long.

long ago,
i picked up an oar,
turned to you,
said "let's go"
and figured you'd start paddling too.

turns out,
i was wrong.
i've been going in circles for
who knows how long.

and at some point,
someone's gotta call it,
and head to shore.

and i guess,
that time is fast approaching.
and the person who's gonna call it,
is going to be me.
Maddie Lane Mar 2024
now that i've got what i fought for
(i think)
what do i do?

i've spent so long fighting battles that i forgot what it was really for
i can't take a breath for i feel like i'll lose
gotta keep the shields up
gotta keep fighting

something i've fought for
for so long
must be worth it
right?

but in the light of day
and the retrospective of night
i'm not so sure

should it be like this?
what if the answer is no?
Maddie Lane Feb 2024
you couldn't pay me to go back to high school
and trod through those prison-like halls.
but sometimes i ache to go back
to those high school summers,
the ones that you were so often a part of.

yes, i'll admit it.
i do miss
cruising down west shore drive
windows rolled down, summer's air filling the car.
going to the beach after the sun's set,
feeling deliriously dangerous as we sipped captain morgans
and pilfered *****.

i even miss
trailing behind all the skateboarders,
hearing the roll of the wheels on the asphalt,
watching the falls and the triumphs.

i miss chatting with you,
about anything and everything.
beaches and bonfires
and "where's my flopper"

you were there
always smiling,
always willing to let me in on the story,
to share the memories made long before i arrived,
inviting me to tag along.
you were a friend to all,
an enemy to none,
and you never passed judgment on anyone.

and though we hadn't talked
in far too long
i know,
if i had run into you,
you'd smile
say my name, ask how i've been.
that was something i could count on

it's impossible to comprehend,
that somehow
you're gone.

i can say that certainly
this really is
marblehead's greatest loss.
for cale
Maddie Lane Sep 2023
do you remember those nights?
(i'll admit, they're kind of hazy for me)
(they were long ago)
(& maybe i was a little drunk)

twinkle lights
and music on the echo
stolen kisses
and confessed feelings
(on my end)

sometimes tears
sometimes fighting

never knowing,
always wanting

always being a last choice,
disposable,
cheap

i wouldn't ask to do it again
and if i had to,
i'd do it differently

change it all,
except the twinkle lights
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