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Maddie Lane Nov 2022
and i'm done
won't chase after you any longer
won't try to make a plan past tomorrow
will try to live in this moment

but
you see
it's hard for me
because this never feels secure
has always felt so tenuous

and part of me feels like you like it that way

so you can have it
i'll drop everything else
won't mention picket fences
won't think about next week
next summer
next year
the future

i'm done chasing the thoughts of a future with you
will only try to love the present
Maddie Lane Nov 2022
summer will come again,
i know.

and i know it won't be the same
won't be so sparkly,
so new.

but it'll be good.
great, even.
of that i'm sure.

i count each month together
and wear it like a badge
another one,
done.

another month closer
to summer.
to real life,
together.

and to be honest,
i don't really know how to say it
(without sounding silly).
don't know how to explain
that i'm tied to you
(you're stuck with me).
don't know how to explain that
somehow i've learned how to solder our bond,
make it last forever
(at least, that's how it feels).

and i know what they'll say,
what they might already be saying:
rose-colored glasses,
and all that jazz.
but i know it's not that,
i know it's different.
i know it's real.

i know
that even in the darkest room i could still find my way to you,
could feel your presence with my eyes closed
and my hands tied.

and for now,
if only for now,
that's got to be enough
for me, at least.

can't keep looking towards the future
can't look into some sort of crystal ball,
for some sort of irrefutable proof that this is real
and meant to be.

and i think
that might just be enough
for me,
for now.
Maddie Lane Nov 2022
when i close my eyes i can practically feel it:
the sun heating my cheeks
freckles blooming on my skin
the bluest water surrounding me
sand as fine as sugar, squishing beneath my toes

i want to bottle up that feeling
sip from it when i'm feeling low

but
i can't

doesn't mean i won't try
Maddie Lane Nov 2022
it's easy -
me and you.

comfort
and happiness
and fun

dinners
staying in
working separately,
but together.
everything.

but

what happens when other people come into play?
when those who matter disagree with our choices
when what we have is set free
will you fight to keep this alive?
i know i will
(i already have)

can we exist outside of the vacuum?
Maddie Lane Nov 2022
i'm not sure where to put it;
my feelings.
never too sure where we stand
(when i think i'm on solid ground with you,
you pull the rug from underneath my feet)

but we push through

we're working on
working on it
and so far
that's working out

but sometimes
well
a lot of times
i find myself afraid

when you grow silent,
i get frantic.
can picture you leaving so easily
can hear the sound of your fading footsteps
(you've done it before, nothing's stopping you now)

and maybe
that's part of it
part of why
i'm focused on the future
of the picket fences and pools

focused on the forever

and when you say
that you will
love me forever
but
maybe not romantically
i fall apart

because
i don't know what to do with that
can't imagine being with anyone other than you
don't even want to entertain the thought

and listen,
i know i made a mistake
(a colossal one)
and it's not one that can be buried
(i'm not asking for that, it wouldn't be fair)

but
my feelings for you have never changed
(they only grow stronger, somehow)

so
i guess
this isn't a poem about late-night love
or a song to sing along to
it's just the truth

the foundation feels shaky
sometimes
but my feet at firmly planted
and will stay there
if you'll let them

so
please
just stay
Maddie Lane Sep 2022
here we are
somewhere new
again

somewhere
i didn't know existed
(i can't find my way out of a paper bag)
(but if you'd drawn me a map, i would've tried to find my way here)

and
i'm terrified

i've spent nearly five years
chasing after something i wasn't sure existed
and it's even better than i ever imagined

i've been yours
this whole time
(even when you've not wanted me)

but

you've never been mine

and
this is
a lot to lose

i don't want to lose it

nowhere's felt like home
in a very long time
not like you
nothing grounds me
like your grasp
nothing calms me
like your touch
and
i'm homesick

i'm
begging for you
pleading for you

just
pick me up
take me home
Maddie Lane Sep 2022
you can't box
with a wicked heart
so
i guess my boxing career is over
(before it had a chance to start)

but

can you love
with a wicked heart?

we both know
(i think)
there's evil lurking beneath my surfaces
covered
by
sunshine and freckles and smiles
but
evil
nonetheless

and
i love you
i do
but does it matter?
with a wicked heart?
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