i'm not sure where to put it;
my feelings.
never too sure where we stand
(when i think i'm on solid ground with you,
you pull the rug from underneath my feet)

but we push through

we're working on
working on it
and so far
that's working out

but sometimes
well
a lot of times
i find myself afraid

when you grow silent,
i get frantic.
can picture you leaving so easily
can hear the sound of your fading footsteps
(you've done it before, nothing's stopping you now)

and maybe
that's part of it
part of why
i'm focused on the future
of the picket fences and pools

focused on the forever

and when you say
that you will
love me forever
but
maybe not romantically
i fall apart

because
i don't know what to do with that
can't imagine being with anyone other than you
don't even want to entertain the thought

and listen,
i know i made a mistake
(a colossal one)
and it's not one that can be buried
(i'm not asking for that, it wouldn't be fair)

but
my feelings for you have never changed
(they only grow stronger, somehow)

so
i guess
this isn't a poem about late-night love
or a song to sing along to
it's just the truth

the foundation feels shaky
sometimes
but my feet at firmly planted
and will stay there
if you'll let them

so
please
just stay

here we are
somewhere new
again

somewhere
i didn't know existed
(i can't find my way out of a paper bag)
(but if you'd drawn me a map, i would've tried to find my way here)

and
i'm terrified

i've spent nearly five years
chasing after something i wasn't sure existed
and it's even better than i ever imagined

i've been yours
this whole time
(even when you've not wanted me)

but

you've never been mine

and
this is
a lot to lose

i don't want to lose it

nowhere's felt like home
in a very long time
not like you
nothing grounds me
like your grasp
nothing calms me
like your touch
and
i'm homesick

i'm
begging for you
pleading for you

just
pick me up
take me home

you can't box
with a wicked heart
so
i guess my boxing career is over
(before it had a chance to start)

but

can you love
with a wicked heart?

we both know
(i think)
there's evil lurking beneath my surfaces
covered
by
sunshine and freckles and smiles
but
evil
nonetheless

and
i love you
i do
but does it matter?
with a wicked heart?

nighttime
and
sunshine
and france
and friends
and shooting stars
and swimming
and the beach
and sand
and grilling
and good food
and fine wine
and missing you tons
and feeling so full
but
a little empty
too

but

the sun sets later in france
(even she doesn't want the days to end)
and my skin loves it
freckles blooming on my skin
(proof of her kisses)
everyone is so happy
so full
and
a little drunk

so
to hell with it
nothing hurts if you don't let it
i'll let myself feel it all
while i ride alongside the seine
knowing
i'll see you soon
and missing you will have been worth it