the sun's setting
but
i don't want to turn on the lights
just want to watch the light fade from the room
windows open
listen to the low hum of life in the city
feel peace
realize
it's been a while since i've sat with myself
like this
alone
no distractions

i think
it's kind of
nice

i always said that winter
was our season
that the chill in the air
turned you warm to me

this is true

and yet

it's march

it was 70 the other day

and you're still here
(kind of)
(writing this down makes me feel like i'm ensuring your disappearance)
(we'll see)

not me
still don't really know

trying to soften the inevitable blow
(not really trying)
(too busy enjoying this)
(trying hard to not look forwards or back)

but there you are
and i am here
and sometimes
i open my eyes
wipe the sleep from my lids
and find
there you are
in bed
next to me

and i know it's stupid
to let myself
melt into your embrace
feel safe
exhale the breath i've (apparently) been holding

but
i can't help it
don't really want to
i'll try to prepare for the pain

but,
oh,
it will have been worth it

too busy
trying to save myself

stop
trying to pull me under
i'm trying
so hard
to stay
afloat

i don't know
where to leave you
or how
or if it's even possible

or should i try again?
rake myself against the coals
to try to win your forgiveness
for something
i'm not even sure i did

probably?
i don't know.
this is
endless
exhausting
emotionally draining

sometimes
it seems like to much
to even put up with