& i can't go past 72nd street without thinking of you
or be anywhere in little italy
can't see a 1 train without imagining you on it
(i'm not even sure if you take it anymore)

it's odd,
i've never bumped into you in the city
but if i'm uptown, i'm always on alert
waiting for you to pop up

i scan the platform at broadway lafayette
from my seat on the B
expecting to see you
i never do

& if you did appear
i'm not sure what i'd say
i'm not sure if you'd see me

it's a shot in the dark
a stab in the heart
this poem is bad
but it feels worth getting out

you're right there

aren't you?

or no

you're far away

you're never in reach

are you?

those times i thought i had you, i simply didn't

i don't know if i should love you
or
hate you

i think i'm hating you?
but hating myself more

i want to write it down,
everything.
but i feel that the moment i do,
you'll disappear.

i'm scared that the minute i start wanting it
(more than i already do)
you'll vanish
(again)

i feel like once i started caring
you pulled away
(again)

i'm always honest,
an open book,
if you will.
i'll always tell you how i feel
but what happens when you stop wanting to read?

i'm twenty five now
officially
halfway to fifty
yet i'm aching to go back
i want to drive through my hometown after curfew
feeling deliriously dangerous
i want to sleep through math class
i want to gossip in the cafeteria

i want there to be no responsibilities
i don't want to stress so much
i'd love to have less worry

alas

time doesn't stop
not even in a pandemic
and we all must age  
and continue on with our days

i'm sunburnt
and sleepy
and half drunk

but i don't want this to end
(well, maybe the headache)
i live for summer nights
though i had forgotten what they meant to me

there's something about the peace you feel
when you're chock full of seaweed and salt water
and your skin is burnt
and your head is aching
that's so
nice
refreshing?
relaxing?
it's a reset
it's the perfect way to end a day
and wake up
new again
(though still a little burnt)

am enough
i know that

but sometimes
.............................

it would be nice
to not be just myself
to be a part of someone else

that would be nice

outside in a summer storm
driving on smooth empty roads at nighttime
sitting on the empty beach
before a kiss, when lips are a breath apart
being pulled closer in bed
first snow
first breath of spring
the compliment when it hits my ears