Maddie Lane

Maddie Lane Jan 2014

Blood

There's not much to say anymore, besides how I feel:
embarrassed
ashamed
disgusted
hurt
confused
did I say hurt already?

Maddie Lane Dec 2013

Red (Anger, Blood & Most Unpleasant Things)

Beauty doesn't matter if you're shallow and selfish.
With no depth to your personality it's no wonder you have a difficult time making good friends.
If you surround yourself with **** you will start to smell,
you become one of them.

We can poke fun at me all we want because yes,
I don't have many friends,
but at least I have friends that would never abandon me.

Blood is thicker than water but I feel no connection to you anymore.
Your abuse towards me is unforgivable (especially since you've never directly apologized to me)
I will never forget the things that you said,
I would have expected them from someone (you know exactly who),
but never from you.

It's sad to say but it's a firm decision:
I am done with you,
I feel no remorse about this.

Cutting people off is a common occurrence in our family.
So this was unavoidable,
I wish it wasn't so soon,
I wish you'd realize the err of your ways,
I wish you'd stop being such a sociopath.

Goodbye.

Maddie Lane Dec 2013

How dare you

tell me I'm too depressed.
That it's better to go out than to see me.
Your judgements hurt,
I feel like Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook,
"I opened up to you, and you judged me."
I thought you hurt me before,
but your insensitive judgements stung worse than anything else.
I can't believe you judged me,
even worse I can't believe you said that to me.
If I ever judged you,
I kept it to myself.
I never wanted to break you,
I guess we're different in that way.

Maddie Lane Dec 2013

I need a word

for the way that I feel.
How my insides feel hollow,
and how my eyes look empty.
I don't know when we went from comfortable to nonexistent.
We both live in the past,
hide in memories from summers long ago,
when we cared the same amount,
wanted each other terribly,
when we were both happy.
Before sadness consumed me,
before this hollow feeling became something other than a visitor.
I need a word for how I ache to hear you say my name,
for how I feel when I say yours,
how I need to resist myself from telling stories about you.
There's no word for the way I feel,
maybe a combination of words could try to do it justice.
I need a word for how I feel,
I need you to say the words to tell me how you feel.
I'm lost.

Maddie Lane Dec 2013

Time

is a weird thing.
I haven't realized that I've grown up.
Being a Summer baby I've always focused on the fact that everyone's getting older than me.
The only time I realize how much time has passed is when I look at the people around me.
Cousins who I saw the day they were born are now entering kindergarten.
Sisters go from being innocent little girls making words out of barrettes have suddenly picked up smoking, and a number of boys with bad reputations, and a hatred for me.
Friends are planning their futures, living in cities far from the ones that we had known.
And I didn't even realize what I've become.
I'm living the dream I've had since I was small, walking the streets I've thought about since I was a little girl, being responsible after realizing that 'out of control' was not a phase that suited me.
Time passes so quickly, and I didn't even realize it until I took a step back.

Maddie Lane Dec 2013

Rain.

It rained in the city today,
and for the first time I didn't rush to tell you how badly I wished I were with you.
How badly I wished to be curled up next to you,
watching a movie,
laughing at your stupid jokes,
talking about the memories and the people from home.

I wonder if that means something.
I find it funny that I used to count each month as something special,
now we just round up to the closest year (two).

I wonder why you can't hear me when I talk to you,
why you can't do simple things like text me back,
or call me on the phone.

I could drown myself with memories from last year,
the phone calls,
the harsh words,
the times when I was the one who was too busy to talk.
But I try not to.

I don't know when things changed,
when you got too busy for me,
and when I decided to care too much
and then not at all.

It rained in the city today.
And I didn't think of you,
not even a little bit,
not at all.

Maddie Lane Nov 2013

It's cold outside

the dark makes it seem even colder.
Tomorrow it will never go above freezing,
and I know that all I will be able to think about
is the warmth I find in your arms.
My heart will beat steadily and slowly,
waiting to feel yours beating alongside it,
I guess it doesn't know it won't happen anytime soon,
that the cold day will pass without any sort of embrace.