alone in this unfamiliar city
I want to take the keys to my car and just go anywhere else
drive until the thoughts in my head run out of gas
there’s so many questions I don’t know how to answer
tears are streaming down my face
and all I can see is yours
I wonder if i broke your heart by running away
I get a sick thrill from knowing you’d miss me
I just want to be alright, I see myself screaming it at you
You can’t understand you can’t possibly understand what this feels like I say as I claw at my skin
I’m dying inside but the rest of me is alive
my hearts beating
Smoke swirling around the fire I’ve set
You’re staring at me through the grey
I’m covered in blood I’m wiping it off like a madman
you’re reaching for me but I don’t know how to tell you this isn’t real
None of this is real
you and I
We’re over
And no smoke signals will bring you back to me

I know it’s shallow and I know you won’t even see  
that no matter what I look like, you still won’t choose me
but still I stand in front of this cracked mirror
hoping the rosy cheeks and darkened eyes don’t betray my fear
I wanted to be around you without feeling less than
and I wonder again why I change so much of myself to please man
still the tears fall
and still you don’t call
there’s a voice in my head wondering if I’m the issue
doesn’t stop me from wanting to kiss you

talked to your best friend for hours
left feeling emptier than when I picked up the phone
I keep piecing it back to find where I went wrong

Tell me what I have to do to make you miss me like I miss you
Tell me what I have to do to make you look at me like you looked at her
what is it about me you can’t love
why am I so forgettable to someone who’s so memorable to me
why am I so in love with someone who feels nothing but hate towards me
and why can’t I let it go even when I know it’s been over for some time now

chasing my tail

the demons in my head want to see me fail

i was reaching for you
but even they're scared for me too

broken limbs and my own scattered thought
recovery can't be bought

i say it over and over again
pain is a process
but lately, my head is just a mess

my therapist says I'm improving
but i don't even feel like moving

trapped in a house of empty rooms
im losing this battle, defeat i can see it as it looms

i don't want to feel anything
my finger is empty from your ring

you're so happy with her by your side
i'm just drowning in confusion, hanging on for the tide

late at night i lay awake
tell me for my own sake

there's blood on one of our hands
my clarity is slipping through my fingers like sand

was it my fault
who led this assault

looking in the mirror,
it comes with the fear
the realization
i'm the leader of this nation
an army of monsters
i'm the queen, long will we prosper

eighteen years have come and gone

you were eighteen when you met me

i'm eighteen now and trying to remember me

eighteen years have come and gone
&
i know more about heartbreak than i do love

forgotten in the pages of old books
dust settles in the nooks
my hands wrinkle with age
my heart beats slower in its cage

if I forget everything else
let me remember the hope itself

the first feeling of love without pain
I run my fingers down windows streaked by rain

years will pass before I’ll pull out the pictures again
I’ll hold you close, smile at the love thats been

maybe we learn more about love when it’s gone  
maybe we learn more about silence in the song
maybe I love you more now that it’s over
maybe you missed me more when you weren’t sober

questions I won’t have answers to
and the worries are anything but new

I still see it so clearly
walking away that night in the rain, heart pounding so fearfully

did we make a mistake?
has all of my strength been fake?

you warned me as the light struck down and the thunder shook

“You can’t turn this into a book
you can’t run and write me into lines you were too afraid to live
there’s nothing left I can give”

I smiled then, turned and left you standing there
sometimes it scares me, that I ever made you think I didn’t care

I only turn my greatest loves into fiction, my dear

i'm trying to tell you i'm existing outside
i'm not really alive

i'm so much better at being alone than being with you
you want me to grab your hand as a lifeline
how am i supposed to tell you i've already drowned?

do yourself a favor and fall out of love with me
i'm nobody's and i intend to stay that way

always walking out, always leaving
you can stare at my back as i move further and further away

you and i both know we've always felt like letting go

two long weeks with dial tones and texts that won’t deliver
I deleted your number just to add it back
Burned your pictures just to look for my backups
Thursday afternoon, I’m staring at the window thinking of you
I’m realizing that you are gone
That the leaves on the tree still flutter
The pavement will still glitter
People will carry on
The world will keep spinning
The clouds will keep raining
The sun will keep rising
And so will I, so will I

but you text me that night
You tell me you’re sorry that you’ve made a mistake
I’m not too far gone to disagree anymore
So I turn the radio up in my car
I push my hand out the window reaching for the trees
I let the wind blow my air
And I let you go
oh how I let you go
as I learn how to love myself more than I love the idea of you

it’s easier to write bad poetry about you
then it is to pick up the phone
and ask if you miss me too

so I don’t
I lay awake to the songs you left
I burn the candle that smells like you
I sit and I cry

Because I’m too in love with my own sadness to ever say I feel the same way about you

memories come in flashbacks
your hand in mine
your face across the table

I could have them all back if I wanted it bad enough
but when, my darling, have I ever really wanted anything?

i never dream of you anymore

but i sat in my driveway the other night
i killed the lights and soaked in the silence

you pressed on me so hard i couldn't breathe

i realized how afraid i still am
how the fear grips my throat and im choking for air, crying for you to release me

you didn't **** me
but you made me just like you

i don't know what's worse at the end of the day

9:48
I’m listening to that song you hate
and I’m wondering how your hair feels between my fingers
someone told me yesterday to stop falling in love with stories
people aren’t poetry, they aren’t sad vinyls that keep you up at night
they aren’t flowers pressed in yellowed pages
but darling, you’ve never been anything other than art to me
but I’ve also heard that the whole thing about art is that you never really want it to be true
maybe that’s why I blocked your number and threw away all the notes
because I never wanted this story to be true
didn’t  want to live through you leaving me

i wonder about you at times like this

when another date falls through
when another text gets left on read

i wonder what would have happened if i swallowed my pride
if i had told you i loved you when i felt it
if i had stopped running scared
you laid it all out for me bare, but i left you staring at empty air

forgive me
for these scenes running through my head
running with our hands intertwined, your sleepy hair next to mine, the sound of your heartbeat when i close my eyes

all these things and you offered them with a smile and trusting hands

i left you there
because i was only ever taught to destroy
i don't know how to love something good anymore
i don't know how to be content with contentment

called you just to see if it was really over
I was hoping you’d convince me to stay
I realized my answer was in your voicemail

all my calls are going to voicemail
you don’t pick up the phone, you don’t show up where you’re supposed to be
I have flashbacks of train tracks and flatlining machines

want to run my hands through your hair
let my lips tell you that I’m here, I’m right here as they’re pressed against yours

The monster in my head is whispering
The same one that lives under my bed

it’s asking me why you didn’t trust me enough to let me be there

it’s reminding me that I’ve been close to having blood on my hands before

it’s running memories in my head like home movies

im pushing past the crowd, I’m reaching for you

There’s never going to be a world where my light is off, my phone is on silent, and my doors locked

I’m here whenever you need it darling

the porch light is on if you find your way to this part of town, I’m here if you remember for long enough that that used to mean something to us

it's 9:44 now
you're already gone

i can feel it this time in my bones like the air i breathe

you're gone because i told you to go

why didn't you know that's not what i meant
why didn't you stop my pain with your hands

i'm bleeding out,
apply pressure,
stitch this wound i created

tell me there's another world where we exist

tell me we have a perfect life on a perfect street in a perfect house

don't tell me it ends the same every way
don't tell me we always end with our heads in our hands
in separate bedrooms

shoulders shaking like this is the end
because we both know it is

i used to scrub my skin with scalding water and rough sand
i could breathe a little easier when the red turned bright

because at least that way, my skin was forgetting you

i changed my whole room around just so it wouldn't look
like it did when you were in it

i've avoided streets and corners and entire towns just to forget you

and last night i forgot the sound of your voice

i finally got what i wanted
so tell me why i feel so broken

so busy running from you
i lost myself in the process

i haven't been down this path before
it's overgrown with fear

but still i press on,
what other choice do i have

and just like when a tree falls in the forest
it will make a sound regardless of who is there to hear it
and you, my dear, are still beautiful, even when he’s not around to see it

i can't tell if im moving on or just numb

i just know i cant feel my heart anymore

and im trying to figure out if feeling nothing is better than
feeling everything

because i forgot how to fall in love

but i forgot the sting of heartbreak too

beggars cant be choosers,
not in this life

i don't have much to say anymore
the words have been torn out of my throat,
i watched them drown

i watched myself suffer and crawl my way out of the hell you created
for me

all i can say and all i really know is that i hope you don't break her like
you
broke
me

i should have felt sick when i saw the two of you
but instead i felt empty
and on the car ride home i couldn't feel anything
but i fear this is what i've become

a hollow shell of the person you made me into
lost in my way, wandering, trying to find who i was
before you

satin pillowcases under your head

text messages you never read

i learned not to ask questions

so many things i couldn't mention

couldn't open the door to your house of lies
learned to cover the bags under my eyes

spent two years trying to make you love me
when i finally had a breakthrough
you didn't know how to

wandering these streets tonight
i can’t find my way home

i can feel the hands of the clock turning
they’re taunting me, i know I’m running out of time

ive looked for you in every alley, down every street

running in circles just to find you

i finally stop to look around and when I do this town is empty

stuck in the kingdom I’ve created
i built these walls with my own blood and tears
i crafted this iron fence with every regret I had
chain link after chain link of desperation

I’m standing here now, surrounded by my own army of fear

and I realize

I never really wanted to be all alone, after all

your memory haunts me in ways i dont even notice yet
my heart has scabbed over and been knit back together in all the places that you broke it
i don't wear the bruises you gave me like tattoos anymore

but there's something deeper that lies there
an effect that i can't name but can only attribute to you

my mind feels warped like it's been tampered with
like you've gotten inside my thoughts and changed little details
to affect the whole story

i mean who was i before you ruined me?
before i destroyed myself, what would my life have looked like?

sunshine and smiles
you’re everything I’m not

Your energy exceeds mine
your beauty overpowers my brokenness

I want to soak it in and find my peace in your arms

but I can see the image so clearly
I can see it as it burns in my brain

my thin frame barely enough to make out the hospital gown, I’m screaming through the tears, fighting against my own self

and there you are, like a shadow
watching from afar
Your face cemented in horror
you never signed up for this kind of sickness
The one you can’t ever really see
But I’m too afraid to let it get far enough for you to ever understand

forgot how to love
remembered i never have

painted pictures line these walls
i see your smile in his, i see your eyes in hers

i scratch this kitchen table with my nails
i trace the lines of old age and memories

i wait up for you
but the back door stays locked

and the porch light remains off

ive fought the whole world to be yours

i see myself in the hallway
she's shaking her head

she's telling me i told you so

years and years it may take,
but he will leave

they always do

6:10 p.m.

i'm trying to get my hands to stop shaking
you're supposed to be here any moment

my heart is already backing out
my feet are already running

trying to twist and turn against this straight jacket
i forgot to tell you in between all the phone calls and plans
that i'm scared of love
which means im scared of you

and i love to run when it looks like its gonna get good
commitment feels like a noose ever since he hung me

i bleed out of opened wounds at the thought of
"i love you"

waiting for my phone to buzz
but all i want is to never show my face again

thought i was ready

we were supposed to meet at this table

all thats left is my notebook, opened and covered with water stains

forgive me written in block letters, pages still flying in the wind

my therapist told me I seem grounded
but I didn’t tell that sometimes I miss you so much it hurts to breathe
that I look at pictures of us and my heart shatters
i didn’t tell her that somedays i forget how to get out of bed
that I see you in everyone else
that I can’t delete the texts yet
I didn’t tell her that somedays West Virginia feels like another world
And I definitely didn’t tell her that I still dream about showing up on your doorstep  
that all I want to ask you is why I wasn’t worth fighting for

like the ocean, wave after wave of mystery
I’ll run until my feet bleed
I’ll scream it to the top of my lungs
I can’t be bottled I can’t be bottled
I will stop falling for boys who can’t accept my madness, I will stop accepting less then what I know I deserve
if it’s going to be love it’s going to be intoxicating
it’s going to be nonsensical and lively
and it’s going to be dark just like the side of me you refused to see
not every sadness is scary
and not everyone has to be happy, not all the time
I think maybe if I leave you with this
As I walk away in search of someone who stares at the ocean and knows what it feels like to be lonely
To have thoughts swirling in your head so heartbreaking that you can’t speak them aloud
to find someone who looks at my sickness And stops trying to fix it, stops trying to make everything better
to find someone who thinks that planes are beautiful and that the stars are a solace
to find someone who doesn’t want to be comfortable, but alive
I’ll leave you with this
It really is okay to not be okay
At the end of the day, you can’t run from the thoughts in your head
Maybe you should stop fighting the idea that we’re all a little sad

it's been so long since we've spoken
and experience tells me i should be over it by now

i know the tears should have dried sometime around six months
and i know i should have been able to shake the memories off for sure by a year

but the months creep on and i still feel your absence like you left yesterday
my own nightmares tell me that we've spent more time apart then together now
i don't care to admit how that burns going down my throat

i think about you more than i want to admit
and i don't tell anyone
because i know what they would say

i almost wish you would have taken the last pieces of my heart behind and crushed them like the others
because it's more painful to rebuild than to start from scratch
the broken pieces poke and tear against the walls of my chest
until i know for sure
that your absence wasn't just inconvenient

it almost destroyed me from the inside out

i've always been a hurricane

rough around the edges
a little too harsh, a little too loud
at all the wrong times

i cry easily and i hold onto anger like a lifeline
but you're soft and charming and you always know what i need to hear
you smooth out the bumps and fill in the cracks

if i'm a hurricane, you're a summer breeze

but i cant help but wonder
how many other girls feel like you're a saving grace?

was too busy trying to find a way to say goodbye
that I didn’t realize you already had

my chest is cracking open
tears are falling in ways they haven’t for years
the silent scream keeps getting strangled in my throat
i think I knew it was over when I had to apologize for missing you