I know you think I hate you. I know you think I'm trying to ruin your life. But honey remember all of those nights I said I loved you? I still mean that. I always will. I'll never forget the long walks. I'll never forget the friendship bracelets that you worked so *******, the cookies I was too scared to take out of the oven, the car rides where we got lost every time on the way to church, or the facetime calls until 4 a.m when I would fall asleep while you were still doing homework. I could never forget about those moments. They were beautiful. They were refreshing. I never knew how to trust, love, or live fully before us. I told you I would never give up. But darling when you hurt me like that I couldn't pretend like it didn't hurt. I can't pretend none of this hurts. Like when I see our old emails, or when our old pictures fall out of my closet, or when I see the rocks you gave me every morning. You're never going to leave my life because even though we aren't talking right now, you are still such a big part of it. I find traces of you everywhere. In my brain, my words, my tears. Sometimes I see your truck around town and I remember the day you drove to my house in tears telling me things would never be the same. They never were. Sometimes I see you wear the sweatshirt I slept for nights in and I remember the way it smelled of you. I know if I still smelled it now I would still feel safe and I hate that and love that all at once. I'm trying to be okay without you and I think I will. I'm trying to move on and I think I will. But both of these things are making me restless. Thank you for everything old friend. Thank you for dealing with my panic attacks. Thank you for cheering me on even when you didn't agree. Thank you for calling me late at night. Thank you for hugging me tighter even when I pulled away. Thank you for being the sweetest, most genuine boy I've ever come to know. I love you dearly. I hope you are doing better than me, truly.  I hope you see that this was for the best. You truly left such a mark on my life and soul and I will never be able to repay you. I'll see you very soon.

You held my hand through the storm
And through the wind I kept you warm
Sometimes the gust was just too strong
But when my legs were weak, the love was never gone
You led me down the foggy street
And when the gravel hurt you bandaged my feet
With every stitch I winced and desperately cried
Before I realized you were right by my side
When the floor crumbled and my ankles were tied with weights
You cut through the ropes when others closed their gates
I can always count on you to answer when I knock on your door
So I'll let you in when your rain starts to pour
It's all I can exchange for your tender heart
Because you have given me your all right from the start

Scraped knees and broken chalk
***** Skateparks and long warm walks
Computer games and the simple life
Broken bonds cut with a knife
Present day and never a talk

I'm afraid of being alone
For all my torture begins there
That's where all my thoughts come alive
And speak to me
Makes sense?
It doesn't to me either

They all gather around me
And begin a convention
Of my life from its very
Beginning to its present
The constant reminder of
What a failure I am

And all these thoughts
In just a matter of seconds.
As I hold my head in fear of
What my life has become
As I begin to peel my flesh off
As I begin to lay a knife near my chest

I wake up from this nightmare
But how can it be a nightmare
If its how I feel and think
All day everyday?