People take photos
Of random body parts and
Send them to
People they know or
People they don't.
I took a photo of my *******
In the mirror
To see if I would then have to battle
A sudden urge to tweet them to
The world and his wife,
But they became '****'
in isolation
They were easy to delete.

i dream of the day that i become
the girl people do double-takes on,
the day that i’ll have smooth thighs
and a flat stomach
and slim arms.

i’ve learned to take in my father’s
criticisms (“you shouldn’t eat that,”
he tells me) and how to ignore
the hunger in the deepest parts of me,
the sharp pain clawing at my inside.

every word seeps under my skin,
into my blood,
poisons my thoughts until the day
i become just skin and bones,
angles of a girl who used to be.

i’ve always been told to not listen
to what anyone else thinks,
only to my own thoughts,
so what happens when i’m the one
who has turned against me?

the only thing i’m eating anymore
is myself, from the inside out.

A mirror is never just your reflection,
My mother once said
The mind has this devilish way of
Twisting
Things around
Making then a lot more or a lot less
That what stands before me
Suddenly
My face isn't my face anymore
Instead
I stare blankly at a blueprint
Society itself has hand-sketched
For me.
Post-it's on where things had gone wrong
Scribbles on things I needed less of
Highlighters on places I needed
Brighter brights
Thinner thins
And I just stood there
Watching
As these self-proclaimed architects
Unraveled
The plans they had for a body that wasn't theirs.
Accepting
The new rooms they had drawn next to the ones that already existed,
The ones that were always there
The ones I made a home out of,
The mole on my ear
That never seemed out of place
Until,
The impact of a critical post it told me so.
The place where my thighs met
I've always ignored,
Assuming I was normal
But the scribbles that
Begged
For less of me,
Proved otherwise.
The marks of stretched skin
I considered battle scars over a few calories at a buffet table
Nullified
By society's architects
Disapproved
As if it were up to them
Invalid
Like human came in the form of overruns
But I stare at this blueprint that suggests to change me from
Floor to floor
Head to toe
And wonder
If the one who owns the lot in which I am
Wonder
If He wanted to change me anymore than them
If He liked the original rooms
More than the ones carved to fit the trends
If He wanted me to ignore the architects
And the drafts of copies
And copies
And copies
Of different versions of me

Didn't He want me to accept the mirror for who I am?

the curtains in this room are shut
but there is sunlight spilling out from under
and around them
it’s like the world
wants me as much as
I wish I wanted it

the last time we spoke I
forgot to use vowels
and i blamed it on
bad reception,
but it was really just me
your words live
with the dust particles
floating in
negative space -
I breathe you in,
but don’t notice

i decide to keep the curtains closed
at least for today
it’s the only thing i can do
to keep your ghost away

Do you remember?
we were as high as it is humanly possible
to be, and the world was
warped,
twisting around us.

I was falling, at first,
into insanity, and
i cried as i realized
that everything was over,
and then

We were holding each other,
and i felt love for the first time
curled up in your arms;
we were
curled up in the worlds arms.

I think i understand now, that
everything just
is.
that you are, and i am
separate.

I think i understood that
i shall never change, the world shall
never change, you shall never
ever
change.

And then you were gone
and i felt our friendship
disintegrate,
obliterated
with your disappearance, and

I died along with it, before
the hospital trip,
before
understanding
everything.

My grasp on reality
in patterns over my eyes
the vibrations, sensations,

  draw
        me
              far
                    from
   ­                        this
                                   life.

Down two pills,
climb two levels.
Mind rises to heaven,
Body falls to pebbles.

Smile brightly at the world,
with eyes that cast black shadows.

My mind is racing,
but my thoughts are spacing.

I taste the music's every word
close my eyes, and hide the blur.

My heart tuned to a hummingbird.
I'm providing depression with my own cure.

Another sleepless night awaits
for the colors and delusions my mind creates.
climbing back down with anger and pain,
hoping that no one will see my shame

In some time I will  be returning
to lay with my thoughts and try to rest
some ask if it's worth it, all things concerning,
and, for some reason, I always say yes.