It's been too long
I'm beginning to feel a distance

I miss you
But not with the same fervor

Please come back
I need you.

It's weird
They say distance
makes the heart grow fonder
Due to experience,
I won't disagree
I hope you don't either

By far, the worst part of growing up,
Other than responsibility,
Is realizing the things that are the most helpful
May also hurt the most

I know you like to read what I wrote
And I love to read what you write
And we'll keep peering into each other's lives
Letter by letter
Word by word
Until sooner or later,
We're present

But until then
Our minds will fill in the blanks

You once told me about your pain
It's in your leg
And I'd watch you wince as you walked
You'd say "I'm fine"
I knew so different

After a while you'd say there's a gnawing pain
That it no longer hurt as bad

I think I know what that feels like now

I awoke early morning
And saw a hand to my side
reaching so silently for my face
I pressed my head against it

Only to realize

It was no hand

It was a blanket tucked a certain way
And I was lying on a twin mattress

Alone

Travelling
I don't recall this tire
This ache of a call to sleep
It's making me criminal
Insane, feeble

In secret gardens
In worlds so very far
I wish I had no feelings
Facing would be easier
And longings would be non-existent

I guess there's good news
I no longer
experience feelings of days past.
New pages written
New books to be filled.
And this is just the first day

Welcome, weary traveller, to the arms of Love.
Three more weeks.
I hope to find you there.

Just one more before I go
I settled the issue on an offshore toe
Boat
Float
Away sweet chariot of lobsters
Take away the mobsters
And let the freak flag fly
In the eye
Of all those attempting to pin you down
I think it's funny to see a clown frown

Manic depressive
Manly-oppressive
I haven't heard anything from you

I shot to the sky twice with 6 bullets
4 went to the side of my life
Slice of pie
In my lie
Of everything

I read what you said, and I kind of agree
Baby, baby
You're no good for me
And I'm not for you
But I'll be ****** if I don't want to be
And pretending ***** ****
I hope you're not mad at me

Talking is ******
Because It feels like it used to
And you're too **** pretty
I've already told you

I'm writing and I won't give a **** if you see
Cuz baby, sweet baby
This wasn't meant to be
You're broke as hell
And I didn't want to let that be
But your shard of glass was put up to me
Like ransom
"Stay away
It's better you see?"
But I'd be lying if I said it felt better to me.

The risk of life is getting cut sometimes
And experiencing falls
But that being said
I don't want to be there
If you feel no emotion at all

So, I guess you're right.
We'll pretend our lips didn't fit together
And I'll try and forget the nights we spent on each other
Over
Under
In
Out
I gotta be honest
It's not what love's about.
You're ****, you're beautiful, and hot **** you're fine.
But I will go on with life
Knowing you're not mine.
And I'll be ok, just give me some time
But until then, take this verbal pantomime

I'm listening to Chance the Rapper
And there's some whimsy in these veins
Some
Give me a weeken' of sleepin'
I think I can come around after that

Hashtags
Yolos
Swags

Take a tire iron to the side of my face
My mind's lost its wheels

All I want to do is *******
Just to feel
******* to self-sabotage
Explosions of regret
And possible highs
of Seratonin and Dopamine

Let's get high

It's weird
When I was a kid
My goal was to make everyone
Stop smoking
Seeing that white puff
Trail from the mouths of adults
All I wanted was for them to realize what they were doing
The un-healthy choices they were making

And now
all I think about
Is buying a pack
Just to cut the
Edge off of
whate'er
the ****
I'm feeling
Keyholed poet

See what I did there?
It was an on-purpose accident

Am I really meant for priesthood?
Is that something that's in my life?
I mean, what, 4+ years solo?
Dates in between,
and ladies, thank you
For the times where you remind me
I'm worth a ****
Or an hour of your time.
But for the most part, I'm solo

My mom, God Bless her, has been single
Dates in between
For 7+ years
Maybe I'll catch up.
Maybe I'll outpace her

She sent me her will the other day
You're looking at the guy in charge of her life
Should she be unable to make decisions.
Well, I guess you're not looking
You're reading, some half-assed-therapy foreplay
Ladies, love me, I'm a weird, depressing sack of ****.
Aww, poor baby
Maybe
Pick yourself up off the ******' floor and make something of yourself
God willing, there's something
I just gotta put on some different
Lenses
These are getting dark
Maybe I need to drop off the map
And find a cleaner
Do they have those for rose lenses?

It's official,
Summer's started
And with all the wind out of my sails
I am prepared to travel across the ocean

If anything has changed,
I don't even know

That wasn't for poetic effect
I really don't.

Let's speak honesty:
I have no idea where I am in life right now
Give me five years, and I guarantee
I still won't know.
God only knows what's happening
And I'm happy, but ****, am I tired.
Things happen for a reason, and know that
I'm really ok. Like, really really ok.
I think.

I've been playing poker about every night
But I've been playing alone
It's weird, I mean, I'd relate it to solo-***
It gets the point across, but it doesn't make you feel less alone.

I tried to spend as much money as I'd allow myself
Shop therapy
Drop stacks of $5's on the counter
Like quantity over quality

Let's Venture, brothers, to foreign lands
And let monarchs dance across our fingers
We can meet Sasquatch, Speedy, and I'll be your number 24

Now let's be dramatic:
I'll ******* die... well, don't we all eventually?

I want to check my emotions at the door
And drop my keys in a bowl
Baby, oh baby
Take all of what I got
And I'll pretend to do the same
I have a book of your emotions
Because I know I'll never see them in real life

Use me, abuse me, and take me to someplace darker than this
I'm a globe trotter
And a dog-walker
Your dogs look tired, why don't you sit down?
Oh, there's no seating save for my lap
You know what to do

I came without you
I can do me all by myself
I don't need you
In fact
It's a hell of a lot easier without you

I can be exactly
whoever the ****
I want.
and I can ****
Exactly whoever I want.

Catholic with a very foul mouth
Not that I'm proud of this
But I'm proud of my writing
No lie
Few alibis
I'm really in China
I have small feet to keep it tight
If you know what I mean

There's nothing in me that wants to continue
And don't read into this, because it's as much about you as it isn't
That's to say, not a whole lot?
Paradox

I know it's never meant to be easy
But sometimes I wish it were just a little easier

I like music that screams at me
It makes me feel at home.
Sick?
Maybe.
Life,
Don't you know it.
Just don't flatter yourself.

Know
Let's want just words  
Away  
Feel better
Make time to think  
There's life
Really
Things like right, write man
Left
Dear, I got hope!
Mind, ****-face
Good way, day god, good way
Thought, sure, thoughts:
Love, ****,
Look!
Oh, death means paper talk
Far-speak long-eyes
People need a hand
Leave a wish for
Great poetry,
**** world, trying for days.
Sorry, Wonder, today's doing won't allow 10 places to die
Change,
Stop.
Ocean, sit!
In silence we're a little body
Break a drink wrong
Can't help what I wrote

I think I'm bi-polar
Maybe not emotionally,
Scratch that
But I feel like I've got split-personality disorder
There's part that wants to let go
And the other part so desperately holding on

I want to look you in the eyes
and ask you what you're doing here
I want to ask you what we are
I want to ask you if we're just using each other
If, really, we're just both getting a physicality that we'd otherwise be missing
Part of me wants to just let it be
And the other part so desperately wants to ask

I wonder if you think this is going to last
I wonder if we're fooling ourselves
I wonder if what we're doing is what should be happening
I wonder why you make me think so much

I hope you're happy
You're making me think
That was your goal, wasn't it?
I hope you're happy

I hope you're happy
Because I wonder
if this house
is built to last
Or
At the sign of storm
Or tidal wave
It'll come crashing down
Should we start looking at insurance?

If I had a nickel for every time I thought of how you smelled
I'd be slowly becoming wealthier

Sometimes, what I really want
Is to be engulfed in silence

To blink, and open my eyes
Greeted by nothingness

Just gentle nothingness

I'd blink
Close
Open
Eyes
And still
Nothing

And I'd just sit there
Silence holding my everything
Caressing flesh
And allowing nothing to pierce my thoughts and hearing
Save for whatever I decide to allow

I'd see nothing
No one
Ne'er a voice nor another body

Sometimes, I wish to be engulfed by silence
And allow it to become my everything

I'd finally have time to cry
To decompress
To allow every pain that I've experienced
Every frustration
Every curiosity
Every emotion
To be released
And once I'd done mine,
I'd ask for yours
And if you'd let me,
I'd throw all your pain into the silence
And we'd never hear from it again

The silence

For if one allows engulfment for too long
One truly must face self
And this I assure you
Insanity follows
Without others
Without Him
Without friends, families, lovers, strangers, acquaintances, enemies, bosses, & coworkers
Silence is nice

But I'm glad I am where I am
Because I can wish for silence
Desire engulfment
But secretly be so blessed,
That while I wish
I do not truly desire.

The unwritten words and unspoken thoughts
Are what threaten to destroy anything I've built
Including all you've had a hand in

It's funny
You know?
The thing that threatens is that which is not allowed physical existence
Philosophy
Filled with me
Thought upon thought like the final piece before
The Jenga Tower falls

Stacked
Backed
I'll take flak for whatever's necessary

I'm terrified
More than I've ever been before
I went to bed, and all I thought of were demons
Staring at me in the bodies of children
But they lacked eyes

Somebody cut my brakes
I'm in a downward tailspin
Don't worry, I'll give in
But hopefully not to what I want
What You want

I'm praying today, tomorrow, and the day after
I might even say the rosary
(I never do)
But I need this.
I need this relationship
Double the meaning
Bring on the bleeding

I'm so scared to die.
And I'm terrified to die to self.