The crowd cackles and intimidates.
It sees the weak and the lonely,
prepared to tear them down.
The lights pulse and the noise throbs
sending you in a whirl of
*no backing out

For a second the sky was mine
And I used to love the stars
I used to dream and believe
And love and create
But after awhile, when I got older
Little by little
I forgot about all of that
And concentrated on school
And girls, and popularity
But one day I had a dream
Where my wishes were real
And the stars smiled at me
Watching over me
When I woke up I was crying
And longing for what I used to be
For what I used to believe
And I wonder
Does anyone else
Miss who they used to be?
Does anyone miss
Who I used to be?
Do they hate who I've become?
It's okay
I miss me too

We sit in an art classroom.
There are windows and anyone could
see or come in.
But with the snow falling it feels like our
own world.
You lie silent there before me
naked.
Posing as I paint you.
I want to show you how I see you
through
my
eyes.

Yesterday
Everything was normal
I told her I'd see her tomorrow
Sneak out to have an adventure
Until I got the call

Today
I'm reading her suicide note again
Trying to make the moment
I found her
all make sense

Tomorrow**
I will go to her funeral
Have to face her parents
and soak up the image of her face
before it's gone forever.
See her eyes
that were more beautiful than anything
I had ever seen
be closed.

I wish she was here to hold my hand
help me through this.
She was always stronger than me.

I walk through the snow
barefoot
no coat
in the middle of the night.
I have to find you..
You can't be gone.
I won't believe it.

I have to keep searching,
keep looking.
It's not your funeral that's
on Monday.
They're wrong.

Keep. Walking.
Do not faint.
That wasn't your blood
on my hands.

*WHERE ARE YOU?!

I look at my cuts
my scabs, my scars
that cover my arms and legs.
Each one a story of my pain.
My family looks at me weirdly
'why would you wear long pants
and long sleeve shirts
in the middle of summer?'
my "friends" have heard so many excuses
for the blood.

I should stop.
I could.

But when I look at my cuts
my scabs, my scars
I am reminded of the release
that cutting gives me.
That moment when the sweet pain
snatches you from the blackness in your soul
and the beautiful red runs down your arm.
And the painful tingling hugs you all day.

But I won't stop.
I can't.

Because when I look at what I've done
it calms me down.
Reminds me that even though everyone else
leaves
I still have my razors, my safety pins, my scissors.
That will hold me, when I can't see
through the blackness of my soul.

All day, every day I'm terrified of you.
Again and again your fist makes contact with my skin.

Broken spirit, heart, will, pride.
Be happy because you broke me.

Can't you just smell the pride seeping off of you
    as you beat me up again.
Can anybody see me? Help me?

Dead.
    I'm dead.
****.

Everyone looks the other way. Nothing wrong happens in their worlds.
Even the teachers.

Fear seeps into my bones when I see you in the halls.
'*******!' I scream in my head, but can never get the words
   out my mouth.
"***" you whisper, in a way that cuts deeper than any scream.

Go away. Please.
Get bored of me.

How can someone be this awful?
Help me.

It was stupid of me to fight back, because
I can't breath after you kick me in the stomach.

Just make my life a living hell, please
   be my guest.
Justice is ****.

Keep an eye on me, in case I start to get
   happy again. That could be a problem.
Key word: Target.

Love is foreign now.
Lonely is not.

My days are black. Are you happy now?
Maybe your life is ****, so you have to make
   my life the same.

Never has someone hated me so much
   just for being alive.
Nice welcome to high school.

"Oh who would ever give a **** about you?"
Obviously, no one.

Please... Please...
People, why can't you see me?!

"Queen *****!" I call you.
"Queen of the rats" you call me.

Running, running, running again.
Running in vain for you will only get me later.

Sometimes I can avoid you, or manage to get away with
    only a shove or an insult.
Stay and beat me if you want, if it makes you feel better
   because I am giving up for now.

"Tomorrow, today won't seem so long" I tell myself.
Tell me help is coming.

Underdogs always win in the end right?
Under your power is not where I thought I would be.

Vacant are my eyes, for you have driven my soul away.
Vandalized locker, I know it was you.

When will I be safe?
What did I ever do to you?

Xanax would be perfect to OD on.

You're a monster… But
you have all the power.

Zero Bullying Tolerance, that's
   *******.

You were so nice.
And I was in love.

We would hold hands and
forget the world.
Until you got drunk
and hit me

We could laugh for hours at
a single sentence.
Go on great dates.
Then you wouldn't let
me leave

My friends and family
all said we were perfect for
each other.
I thought so too.

*Until the night I said no
and you didn't listen.

I used to dream I lived by the sea.
In my dream I loved a fisherman
who had no face.

The water felt like my home.
So inviting I became a part of it.
My love didn't mind, because he
knew what it was like.

Everyday I would swim farther
and faster
and longer
and deeper.

Until one day
I didn't go back to the surface.
I stayed in the sea
and played with the fish.

I found treasure and did tricks in the water.
I remembered my life on
land.
But the water had already seeped into my heart
and I didn't want to go back.

So I let the water embrace me
drown me
have me.
I let it have me.