so this is what they all talk about.

why is no one loved?
we can't see the ones who love us
and even they, do they care as much as they say?

I could be perfect, you know.

"There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves *****."

I keep thinking about how much you'd hate this book
like emotions are 'not the reality of things'
and you'd rather know what actually happened
rather than the way it felt.
Don't you realize, that
how it felt
was what actually happened?

got me seeing stars, brighter than ever
shining just like diamonds do

Don't know you, don't care.
All that I can tell:
your eyes, your hair
the way that you smell.

Hold that thought.
Maybe I do.
Maybe I ought
to dance only with you.

No one likes ugly things
and negativity-
the clichè would follow "even though they are the reality of things"
but I don't think ugliness is the reality of things.
The reason people don't like hearing them is because
they distract from the truth
ugly things don't matter.
They're not the truth.
The truth is,
there is only one thing that matters-
love.
Hatred, alcoholism, abandonment, addiction, depression, oppression, racism...
Nothing matters,
except love.
And that is not an ugly truth.
That is the truth,
and the truth is beautiful.

the queen doth protest too much, methinks

and there's the difference

for a second I remembered who I was

Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe and it doesn't mean I have fire in my veins it just means I can't breathe

burn and rave at close of day- remember that?

in the midst of me wanting you to change for me
I forgot that I needed to change for you
and I can't control anyone but myself
so the best possible thing for our friendship
was to change my attitude
and appreciate you for you
instead of who I wished you were.
I held all these expectations for you
and it was me who failed to meet them.

going to bed will make the morning come faster
but it sure won't make this any easier

why do I still feel like a walking corpse

you're doing what I'm doing, I think
we've always been too similar

if the time's not right then its not right
we'll see
good luck
I want you to be happy

deeper than I can swim, stronger than I can hold, worth more than dying for.

I'd like to be around someone who likes to think

on my way, on my way
reading and learning and dancing
and I'm on my way- still fighting to learn who I am,
still fighting to show the world who I am- but that's okay
because I'm on my way.

Lie to me, I dare you- because then I'll know the truth.

you make me feel short,
no one else does

what she told me,
by accident, laying there late at night in a bed not mine or hers
is too horrific to pen, the kind of grisly detail
that is sacred and ****** in a breath,
a red-stained skeleton, the reason for all I had believed was true,
but it has been disproved,
I will hold this intention in the silence of my heart
in between privacy and freedom
unexposed, sealed by the scars
a slit-like layer of muscle that writhes uncomfortably under the surface
I am wrong but I am right,
it is over, but how shall I go home
what kind of secret can I not write, or tell to my dearest friends?
what kind of secret demands to be buried and hidden,
for it must be; only Hell can contain this- it is not for earthy eyes
it is the only thing that must remain unwritten, the
only word that must remain unspoken,
even when all else fails and all truth comes to light,
I will retain one thing,
in the happiest of moments and most intimate of conversations,
I will not be completely there,
even in the poems that write out my heart,
they will trace every tendon and pulse every vein but they will not,
they cannot trespass into this realm,
it is forbidden, locked in the deepest cave of my soul,
never to be acknowledged or even comprehended
but I do not know how to live like this
and I do not know how will I ever be able to face him again.

I know that I want to unwrite you from my past, (or at least I should),
but when it comes down to it, I don't know if I would.

I don't know how to explain the ache in my chest
I don't have words for a chronic emptiness, not numbness
but a keen awareness that the gap is there- I don't
have words. I'm all out of them. Pain, I think, suddenly
more than there has been, (it comes in waves),
but I was absolutely right that one drive
when I told myself this is the worst it will ever feel
and by God, it's only uphill from here.

My dad always told to be afraid of boys who
will leave me and break my heart but he never warned me
that my heartbreak wouldn't come from boys and sometimes
it wouldn't even mean love and sometimes it was so
much more than whatever they try to sell you about love,
it was so much more than "just love" and so much ******* less.
My dad never told me to be afraid of a God that
held my whole existence in His mind by His will.
My dad never told me that girls would break my heart
just as far, and that it was all for the best.
My dad never told me that I was going to break my own heart
when I laid down and didn't want to get up and realized
there wasn't much I wanted to wake up for.
My dad never told me that boys would be the least of
my problems and that silence wasn't dangerous or that
the world was confusing and difficult or that
he didn't know which way was up or down anymore
and I never told my dad, neither did I. Neither did I.

I told you my heart was my most valuable possession
so you stole it, broke it,
and now I'm pretty sure it's worthless.

sometimes it all seems so vast I could just drown in it
and sometimes it reminds me that I love to swim
and sometimes I suffocate in the beauty of it all
beauty, whatever we may think, makes it a little easier to breathe
every single time it takes your breath away.

we're not even on speaking terms any more

"I wish I was in love but I don't want to cause any pain."

And I know we'll be alright, child
just close your eyes and see
and I'll be by your side
anytime you need me.

children play war in their ***** backyards
but when we grow up and start to drive cars
we learn that our lives are worth more than that
we stop playing games and stop fighting back
because we knew all along in the back of our minds
that the guns never worked and we shouldn't have tried.

Ways to say I love you without actually trying or displaying emotion:
listening to me when I talk
saying hi when I walk up
valuing my presence
not groaning when I begin speaking
not telling me my presence is an inconvenience
wanting to spend time with me
not ******* about me while I'm within earshot
smile at things I say
don't complain when I talk too loud
actually talk to me occasionally
make eye contact or smile in the halls
appreciate me

see? it's not that hard. if other people can do it,
you can.
I don't need constant hugs or verbal affirmation
I don't need you to compliment me, even.
Just show that you care-
the simplest way to do that is to actually care.
and if you can't do that,
then you aren't ready to be in any kind of friendship with me
because I, like most people, only enjoy
being in relationships with people
who actually want them there.
If you don't want to be up to this 'tremendous' challenge
and you don't believe you can fundamentally change yourself
and if you don't want to,
then consider the friendship over.
Because it would be nice if I could accept you for exactly who you are
but exactly who you are is kind of an *******
and if you can't see that
then there's something wrong
and if you can see it and don't want to change it
then there's something wrong.
I'd like to love you unconditionally
but I can't be the only one doing the loving
while you aren't even paying attention to me.
It's unhealthy.
Compromise, communication, appreciation-
things you don't seem to care that much about
AKA the fundamental cores of a good relationship
and if your basic personality isn't conducive to a good relationship
we are going to have a problem, especially
if you aren't willing to solve the problem.

There are two sides to every story.
One side sees and acknowledges that truth, beauty, and goodness
are worth fighting for. And the fight may cause pain.
And the pain is worth feeling. And the tears are worth shedding.
And the vulnerability is worth showing, the fear is worth sacrificing,
the caring is worth telling, the love is worth saying and doing.
The other side is too busy dying to see that their existence should be a life.

"Remember when"s are words I should not dip too far into
the well of the past because I don't know what else has fallen
down there in the mud. Broken glass will cut your hand
when see-through hearts have shattered into pieces of black
used water- not to be drunk again, even if they tell you it is clean
I am scared it is not clean now, and will never be. What about me?

am I whole? could
we make each other whole
without effort to fix each other
without any forced input or 'save me'
or holding hands as we traverse a cliff
overly romantic atmospheres or difficult discussions
maybe just laughter, maybe just simple togetherness
adventure, laziness; friendship
with nothing but fluidity
and basic, easy love.

it's a little ironic
that there is something wrong with my heart
that I, this hopeless poet, has a defect
in her favorite topic, her favorite metaphor-
and that this, this, the source of her life, should fail her.

but Carolina, I found you.

with no way out, and a long way down
everybody needs someone around.

What a feeling to be a king beside you, somehow
I wish I could be there now.

if I showed you every second the way I felt
we would both explode, or die, or both
I see the ******* stars in every time you move-
but I can't, and I wish you could understand
I tear you apart because it costs more to try and hold you together
if you saw in my eyes the way I spark in my soul
you would be absolutely shocked
and it would destroy everything we have. and for that
I'm sorry, so for now I will quietly
put to bed the flames, and I will douse them and sit quietly waiting
but, oh God- what a waste of love.

what does one do
when the universal dew no longer
contains galaxies? your skin does not smell
of silence and the freshness
of the sunrise has baked away
all that is eternal- and yet, tomorrow
will rise again, pulsing the endless heartbeat of
loading, loading, loading, in this vast connectivity of life
and death
and never quite there?
what does one do
when death grabs you by the hair and drags you out the door
and you are confused with the awareness
that you are not self aware
but your soul claimed the knowledge that one day, soon,
it will die, and all things live and progress
and end- people are things as well- we are scared that
the last thing that's left in the world is not true-
we shall pass, you shall pass, the grass regrows
but it too ends- and now, it is not the same- for we know
the grass has only the appearance of eternity,
and the sun dies each night, and your grandmother
will one day not be here, and neither will you,
your soul shines bright but all matches burn out
cannot live through the lives of those it ignites-
even your children are not a lasting legacy of you
they are only a legacy of themselves- their time will end too.
so, what does one do?

what do you do when you don't seem to fit into much anymore
and you don't know where to walk because you don't know
who, if anyone, can handle you, what do you do
when pulling yourself together requires hardening your heart
and if it's true, then, if it's true that in order to obtain
something of equal value must be lost, then what do we stand to lose?

You tell us that to be too energetic is to be annoying
Or naive
and you get upset there's no positivity around you
and all that's 'okay' is negativity but to be
anything else is to be 'weird'
but where's the sunlight behind the rain?
All the boys are ******* with no personality, but
darling, if you're emotional or have any depth, you're
gay
And guys want a girl who can talk about sports
and won't *****
but those girls are
lesbians
and all anyone wants is to laugh
"Stop laughing, it's aggravating,"
And there's nothing I can do right,
I'll be hated if I do
and ****** if I don't.

Then maybe all this irony is because misery wants company,
And we're so busy making each other miserable
that we've become terribly poor company.

whatever souls are made of, I'd love to watch them
in their bare bones and swirls of color
darken, burn, and mold together
rather than just our faces. I'd like to sit
and observe each orb of love and hatred,
some consumed and lost to apathy, some bright
one way or the other, I'd love to see what happens
every time I meet someone new, every time
I lose someone old. I'd love to watch my heart flicker
and to know for sure the right or wrong by the
light I show the world- I'd love to see it, pure,
so that it's no longer a war of lies and masks and faces
I'd love to hold the raw, stinging, spitting essence
of someone close to me, so they can't deny it anymore
and I can't deny it anymore- the world would be good,
I swear, if we'd all just let go and open our doors
(although I'd like to see yours- I don't know if I could.)

I'm fine, I'm happy, and I'm well.
I'm not concerned because in the core
of my soul, I know
the only thing telling me I'm worthless
is the lowest, most broken creature in hell
and, frankly, I could care less
about what Satan has to tell
me about my own meaninglessness
when he's already lost the battle and the war
and, well, God won what He came here for.

Life is too short, so love the one you got
'Cause you might get run over or you might get shot
Never start no static, I just get it off my chest
Never had to battle with no bulletproof vest
Take a small example, take a tip from me
Take all of your money, give it all to charity
Love is what I got, it's within my reach.

i used to wonder what i could possibly learn from you
I learned
how to gracefully let go of things not meant for me
and admittedly, at first it wasn't graceful,
I kinda had to rip you out of my veins-
but that's not the point
the point is that I finally know how
to accept people how they are
for all of them
not just the good or easy parts
and maybe through you
I've finally learned the definition of love
that I've been searching for so long
and maybe through you
I've finally realized you're worth fighting for,
dying for, just like me,
just as you are, because you alone
is utterly perfect,
without any changes
and maybe through you
I've finally realized that people's worth
isn't determined by the similarity of their views to mine
or by their views or actions at all
people's worth is just that they have views and actions
and you should just let people be them
because there's no better way for them to be
than just them- any 'improvements' are just me
trying to make them more like me
which doesn't do anything except destroy
some of your individuality
and the presence of so many viewpoints by which
the universe views itself
is a beautiful, joyous occasion
I've finally realized that your existence
as well as everyone-around-me's existence
is a beautiful, joyous occasion.
thank you for this.
thank you.

love is when you give your heart to someone in trust
love is also when they don't break it
love is when it's broken but you keep giving it
love is when they take it in their hands and split it in half, laughing,
but it doesn't matter to you and you keep pumping, you keep giving it
love is when you know someone's better without you so you let them go
love is knowing you're not always what they want
love is giving them what's best for them, not for you
even at the cost of your life-
that is how God loves us, and when in the sweet agony of love
you feel every pulse of Christ's wounds and every drop of his sweat sting
you bow your head and you have never felt more broken and
you have never felt more whole, you are at your most human and at your most divine,
the stars shine upon you with empathy because they, too, burn ceaselessly
for people who do not even see them- it is when you die to yourself
and rise in Christ for the sake of someone else-
that is what love is.