It hurts me when you have to leave.
I never want you to leave again-
I want to spend all of forever with you.
wake up next to you, go
on road trips with you, make
breakfast with you, dance
around with you, have
fights with you.
I don't want your mom to tell us what to do
or your sister to yell at us
or our friends to third-wheel
I want to spend all my time with you
so our restless hearts can finally escape,
together.
Every day. No one else.
You and me.
Forever.

there's a little part of me that always has to lie.
like that girl I asked to marry me in kindergarten
or that boy who told me he loved me
but then I threw up because the idea was so gross.
or even the real reason
seventh grade wasn't my favorite year.
I've always had to say 'him'
skate over the facts a little.
just to be safe.
I have to pretend to be safe.

I burn too bright for my own good
fuel my own fire
scar my own skin
my body ignites and blazes away
the outer shell
I am more than what I have been
I have walked through hell.
I am the might; and I burn thin
through what's good for me
and I am charred, at the end of the day
but even charcoal ignites again.

mortal body; timeless souls
cross your fingers, here we go

if you're pro-life, 'American ******' should disgust you.
all lives, not just American lives.
if you're pro-life, torture should disgust you.
all lives, not just innocent lives.
if you're pro-life, sexism should disgust you.
all lives, not just male lives.
if you're pro-life, income inequality should disgust you.
all lives, not just well-off lives.
if you're pro-life, institutionalized racism should disgust you.
all lives, not just white lives.
if you're pro-life, violence, harassment, bullying, revenge,
should all disgust you-
all lives, not just the lives you like,
the lives that benefit you,
the lives you planned or the lives you agree with,
the lives that hurt you and left you,
the lives that killed your family, even-
all lives.

Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.

kiss me now that I'm older

I am so painfully terrified
I am not ready-
I am different now than I was last year
I am not ready
a few more days
weeks, months
I am not good enough
for I am not ready

people who use their religion to work 'miracles'
on the bodies
and end up dying
do not understand the reason why we have science.
science is for the body, the world, building and medicating
religion should not be applied to any of those things
religion is the medication of the mind and heart
it is the cure for the soul,
the formula for mental stability
the chemical balance of self-control
it is not a treatment for cancer, polio, or ***
it is a treatment for sadness, hatred, and confusion
both religion and science are:
correct when used correctly
lethal when used inappropriately
violent when misconstrued.
science can damage the soul like nothing else
and religion can destroy the body
they are both useful and good in their own right,
but terribly, terribly dangerous
and should be treated as such.

all this life is learning your place
and all next life is living there

I still remember the color of your eyes that day
it's still my favorite color
they were the color of gold
but not exactly gold
white
but not exactly white
they were the color of the sun behind the clouds
just as the sun rises
and the color of the sun behind the clouds
right before the sun begins to set
they were the color of the star I stared at
while me and another girl I loved
talked about our dreams
(she longed for the cosmos-
I only longed for her)
they were the color of what I think my soul looks like
the color of what my wings were before I fell
the color of a halo,
of God's throne, of
the love I feel within my chest.
they were the color of what a spark feels like
as it pierces your mind
and electrifies your lungs,
sending you into deadly spasms-
and yet, they are glorious while they last;
you never thought you'd enjoy dying.
they were the color of an angel's blade
and the color of the inside of my eyelids
as my body burned away from looking at the kingliness
not meant for me or any mortal-
they were the color of something I never thought
I'd see again,
the color of a place my soul had almost forgotten,
they forged a connection, a wormhole
to something bigger and more powerful
than I could ever imagine.
Like a long-lost brother
or finding your house in the middle of a strange city-
like seeing your mother for the first time and
instinctively knowing who she is-
like I was being called home, to my true home,
and I could only get there
if I just could reach, a little farther...
Heaven is present in everything, I know,
but it was personified in your eyes.

love is
the most ambiguous
definite thing
the most feeling-related action
the most action-related feeling
it is the most flexible, confusing, broken
only solid point of reference we have
love is a completely selfless act for someone you want only for yourself
it is a completely selfish want for someone to be happy.

I just want to be free. ******, I just want to be free.

I'm sorry you can't see the beauty in things
because while adults can't have fun anymore
some of them can still see the significance
and observe with a distant haze
but you have cut yourself off completely
to forget all of it
"don't glorify!"
what do you mean, don't glorify?
the whole world is glorious! it is all worth
glorifying!
It is better than you think it is
and it hurts me to see you like this
but I can't help you out if you
think that everything I live for is broken
and the very premise of love is false.
But you don't understand what I'm saying, even
you think I am a prideful naive young fool
and I think you're a selfish old ******* who wants
to crush my angels' wings
and please yourself because the 'self' is above all
when I know that your 'self'
is rotting and yet-
still worth loving.
God loves you.
I love you.
And if you refuse to understand what that means-
that is your own fault.

I sit and I observe the
gazelle leaping wildly
dancing, their beautiful eyes
skating the floor in front of them
the sky is a mirror for the
elephants
who don't know their own size
and have thick skin to ward off
what? what could stand up to a
lion
who epitomizes what you want to be
and growls, at his cubs
while his beautiful wife lays by him
purring, only to be replaced by a
hyena
whose only means is to survive is to
take and to destroy
because the lack of an opponent is easier
than the presence of a
vulture
who feeds off the kills of the hyena
and tags along in a great mob to take down the
greatest of all: the
mouse
who scuttles and runs along the hooves,
offering quiet encouragements to
the elegant-fast-high gazelle,
who points and shows the mirror of the sky
to the rest of us.

sleep it off, we're broken people
and I keep breaking people, don't I,
it was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart
on the line, I really ****** it up this time
didn't I my dear? I keep ******* myself up,
but I know I can't keep entertaining shattered dreams
and the idea of shattering them
the age of romanticizing pain is over,
no one wants someone who is tragically broken
everyone wants everyone else to be whole
so they can help themselves be whole
so all I can do is stop feeling sorry for myself
it's time for me to glue my **** back together
and move on with my life
so eventually I can help other people
glue their **** back together too
I can't care about you until I am whole and glued
my cup runneth over but only once it's full,
and it's about time to collect my own **** rainwater.

Life is too short, so love the one you got
'Cause you might get run over or you might get shot
Never start no static, I just get it off my chest
Never had to battle with no bulletproof vest
Take a small example, take a tip from me
Take all of your money, give it all to charity
Love is what I got, it's within my reach.

the God of freedom, whiskey, beer, and food-
the God of green hills and romances,
the God of tattoos, piercings, and edgy clothing,
the God of cliffs, breaking waves, and high mountains with stiff winds
this God is a wild God-
He rises and sets like the sun
loves always but is sometimes not seen
Aslan is not a tame lion, after all
He is an Irish God and contains the universe
in the palm of His Irish hand.

the idea of someone
being in love with me
is laughable

everybody's searching for toxins, drugs, dopamine
to numb the pain and dull our minds
because we're afraid of what our thoughts are telling us
we're afraid of the voices we try to silence
with others' lips, but no matter how much I
focus on your heart, I can't escape my own
I don't know if I feel safe in the soul I call home.

back to when? what good old days?
the only place to go is forward.

everybody needs somebody,
and I've only got myself for company.

I want to have a body
that matches my mind

I'll lie and say I don't care
but I do, I care so much it feels as though
my chest will explode with the pain of it.

all the INTPs on the internet forums think us
ENFPs are crazy,
but the secret is: deep in your logical hearts,
behind the pretenses created by your ego,
and the smug superiority of the cold unfeeling,
you've blocked out the big picture,
so taken with the idea of analyzing that
you have not seen the layers upon layers of life
and forsaken cliches while forgetting,
there was a reason 'they' started saying them-
I am intelligent-
my emotions have been carefully processed
and approved, and the idea and truth
of emotions has been carefully processed and approved,
I have taken a look at life and poked around
in the bottom of it,
and determined my course of action-
I'm not here for logic or intelligence,
or to exist in a shell of my private world,
offering an occasional analysis of theoretical possibilities.
Logically, there is no real reason to do anything
fun or spiritual at all-
you can be completely alone and that is logical,
you can never leave the house and that is logical,
you can dislike most everything and that is logical,
look, if that's how you want to live your life,
and you're happy,
then fine; but the truth of the matter is,
you have a single life, and within it, you can choose
to be happy and live as fulfilled of an experience as possible.
it is illogical to waste the short years you've got.
it is illogical to spend them unhappy with your situation.
maybe it doesn't seem like wasting to you,
maybe you are happy disliking things,
but if you dislike something, doesn't that mean you
are unhappy with the presence of it?
it makes more logical sense to enjoy things and to
be filled with emotion,
(if you separate yourself and view objectively, that is)
a logical approach to day to day life kills emotion
but a logical approach to values makes you realize you desperately need it,
so if you can detach and apply to your existence as a whole-
there's a perfect reason to die and a perfect reason to live,
but the key is that living produces more endorphins.
so for my own sake,
and within my own values and truth and experience,
I'm here for the ride.

as we told each other the greatest things we could think to share
we could all tell
the greatest things we held within ourselves,
strength
attitude
illness
recovery
friends
mom
loss
li­fe
grandma
love-
we know, now, what word the center of our being holds-
we had thought of each other as creatures that spun with the world
around the point that is our own being
everyone else a nameless, faceless being that turns and leaves in orbit
with no center of gravity, no word inscribed on their hearts
that kept them grounded to this earth
but we were wrong.
the world spun,
and we were all still there together.

hey pretty boy,
I hear our myers-briggs personalities are compatible.
You've got exactly the kind of curly hair I'm looking for
and chocolate brown eyes
tall, skinny,
a nice jawline-
you love to read, you value close relationships-
hell, you play the double bass
and have the nicest arm muscles I've ever seen-
you love your family, and live in Abita
with goats and sheep
and if you're so **** perfect for me,
why do I still love her?

why do we censor love more strongly
than we censor violence?

once more, with feeling
he calls as the bow skitters across the strings, my fingers
artfully pouncing down and around in a small space,
an elaborate tap dance and I feel my body reeling back as my soul
takes over, into autopilot and if I think, I'll make a mistake
I can feel the beat of the percussion moving through the section as I
am united to my standpartner and we to the rest of the world,
with feeling as the cellos strike their solo,
with feeling as the flutes take the melody,
again and we support the violas
I'm plucking now,
I shall never forget this,
the music swells and we are one, we are all
tenuously supporting each other with a connection that is so fragile
if it breaks now, it is lost, the world shall begin again but a little less
magical without it, the crescendo ripples and our hearts thrum,
too special even to write about accurately,
we know each other, we are all that matter now,
I have never felt more or less of a stranger,
it is just for the moment,
it cannot break, with feeling this time.

she told me at lunch that maybe her phone had
decreased her attention span,
because everything now seemed boring
and I want her to destroy that phone,
because I live when she is alive,
and these screens have taken us away,
made us focus up close to a false image
and we'll look up pictures of beautiful landscapes
forgetting that there's a landscape around us,
a person next to us.
We've become so focused on the blue light on
our phones that you haven't looked up to the
blue light of my eyes in the past thirty minutes,
"Helllllooooo?"
Why have we replaced who we are with these
technologies, you weren't born a robot
your blood is becoming electrical currents,
I can see the metal behind your ears-
plastic replacing bones,
our eyes are sensory latest edition LCD displays-
ears expensive hearing aids
and we still can't hear each other say, "I love you,"
these days are passing by and all we can do is
instagram them- we're so busy snapchatting
we forgot that these are our glory years,
we're all chronically lonely and maybe it's because
the person next to you says they care about you
but in the last thirty minutes they've looked at that phone more than you
and you can't help but wonder,
am I the only one that's awake?
we were born human and we should die human,
I am not a screen, my life isn't a profile,
I can't kiss you through a text message,
(no matter how hard eighth grade couples try)
and I refuse to let myself slip out of what it is that
makes me or you alive.

Every day I write, I attempt the
herculean task of describing her beauty
For she is far greater than my writing will ever be
And every breath I give is worthless
when the love that you live is hopeless
and I can't even grasp the quantities
Or the qualities of the notions she left in me
My mind is occupied constantly
it takes all of my graded and standard intellect
to even scratch at the surface of
who she is. This brain cannot write of
The sunlight behind her brown- almost black eyes
and capture it fully, and it hurts to not
be able to understand something,
when my whole life, I have understood everything
it's maddening. and she knows it, too
for you do everything in your power to drive me
as absolutely crazy as I can be
before I snap.

sing me sweet,
sing me low,
say you'll never let me go
and we're makin our own way out

There is always legend in pursuing endlessly
in refusing to see bad, in rescuing the damsel
"she doesn't love you now but she will if you just..."
Maybe I should stay by her side
and wait for millions of years
until we're both fossils
and no one remembers our names.
There is no romanticism in giving up.
...but you always were a realist,
and you've changed me more than I'd like to admit.

A rosary a day
keeps my pain and suffering away.
A dash of 1 John 4 to ease the discomfort-
meditations on Galatians or Ephesians for the tired soul
The letters of Peter for when you feel lonely
Colossians when you're lost without a hope
Philippians to ease a confused mind
Gospel of John to put in you in that state of adoration-
Isaiah for that destiny-calling
Job for the sad and broken
Proverbs for light reading, and
Psalms for all purposes!
No matter what the situation,
the structure and truth of Scripture
never fails to amaze me.
You can call me weak for relying on something bigger than me-
(as if my character is faulted for being humble
and not falsely believing I alone can find the answer [that's the biggest asset and the biggest flaw in the human psyche, by the way,])
sorry, honey, there are a lot of things bigger than me,
and my character has only been improved by acknowledging it.
You can call me ignorant but that's only ignorant to you
because within myself (the only place I can ever be),
I find solace in my God and my light-
I hope you're fine as you are,
but if you had a handy book filled with truth
and glory,
a beautiful, eternal story,
and hope when you need it,
wouldn't you read it?

we're all pretending to smell candles
loving people who don't love us
and wondering when it will end

even when it hurts, you have to pick yourself up and continue on.

let's sit and be nothing, do nothing,
in the silence and murmur of the flowers
while the breeze holds and hugs those who sit alone
and let our hearts move with this wind.

Am I really meant for this?
to love without return, without hope
to love desperately and never quite have that which I love
my heart has been yearning my whole life for something-
perfect communion, perfect harmony- a partner in crime
a soulmate, someone to love me wholly
and you're going to tell me I can't have that? My whole life
I've been waiting and planning for it, but I will never have it.
people have always been telling me I have been too much
so I stopped sharing, I can't tell you how I feel in words
without crying, because I have always been a burden, an enormous
intensity of feeling, too much love for people to handle
too much hope, too much emotion, to share without crushing
I must bear the burden on my own, never to share, never to partner
never to communicate, to be equal, to bear with each other.
I must hold all of it within, with only the help of the Lord my God.
Am I really meant for this? Why?
Why would God make this destiny for me?
Why would God make this loving heart for heartbreak?

and then I remembered.

After all, I did ask to love like you, Lord.

what does one do
when the universal dew no longer
contains galaxies? your skin does not smell
of silence and the freshness
of the sunrise has baked away
all that is eternal- and yet, tomorrow
will rise again, pulsing the endless heartbeat of
loading, loading, loading, in this vast connectivity of life
and death
and never quite there?
what does one do
when death grabs you by the hair and drags you out the door
and you are confused with the awareness
that you are not self aware
but your soul claimed the knowledge that one day, soon,
it will die, and all things live and progress
and end- people are things as well- we are scared that
the last thing that's left in the world is not true-
we shall pass, you shall pass, the grass regrows
but it too ends- and now, it is not the same- for we know
the grass has only the appearance of eternity,
and the sun dies each night, and your grandmother
will one day not be here, and neither will you,
your soul shines bright but all matches burn out
cannot live through the lives of those it ignites-
even your children are not a lasting legacy of you
they are only a legacy of themselves- their time will end too.
so, what does one do?

You can't be what I live for.
I won't waste breath on you,
not anymore,
I'm done spending my happiness
where it won't be received-
I'm tired of living in torture
our relationship isn't what I wanted;
what I wanted isn't what you wanted-
I've been idolizing the thought of a door opening
when you're just a brick wall-
to open you'd have to be something you're not
so I'm giving up on you,
for me,
but also for you.

It's always not-quite-enough
or, can't-quite-touch
this imaginary cinema screen
hurts us so much.
You and me, we see the sky like
it's meant to be seen,
but we observe people from a distance.

hold my hand

maybe I should be a nun
or date that boy in orchestra
or adopt more cats
because anything would be better than
spending my free time learning love songs on guitar
so i can melt your heart if need be
and constantly dreaming about you
and being crushed every waking minute.

something is broken inside of me, and
I know it is broken and I know it is cracked
but I don't know what broke it
so I don't know how to get back
glue my pieces back together and walk on a clear track
because lost is the way and confused is the path.

Jesus was a communist
let's be honest
"All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need”
Acts 2:44-45
"Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.""
Matthew 19:21
"Woe unto you who are rich"
"Woe unto you who are rich"
"Woe unto you who are rich"
luke 6:24
we live in a world of woe
people base their political decisions on their personal greed
and stamp on it a 'christian conservative'
mark that they mass-produced in their factories
and they sit in their houses with their pools while there's children starving
in our capitalist society,
most greedy wins
survival of the worst character
they sit on our backs like the cats they're called but they aren't soft
they spit in our faces and they claw us
"we had to make our own way in our generation"
well in your generation it wasn't so unbalanced and tipped and **** near impossible, was it?
we live in a monetary nation
where virtues are pride, ambition, manipulation
how did this free trade expedition go so horribly wrong
our government shuts down at the mere mention of free health care
God forbid everyone have health care
they call us the entitled generation
because we want some money for education
let me tell you something, it's the 21st century
people's vocations can lead them to supply for the whole **** population
we don't need this dog-eat-dog world
we need a location to start from,
the pacifists will fight,
occupy wall street because the
entitled generation is entitled to rights
like life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness
and free health care and equal opportunity for minorities
is not so objectionable that we must abandon all civilities
and throw strangers out of our gates
we are a country of immigrants
they deserve a chance too
because people are people
and all humans are endowed with certain unalienable freedoms
they're scared of communism because they think it will take away our choice
but the corporate world has destroyed any choices we make
limiting it to lucky born one percent
or slave to the rat race
with the cheese dangling right in front of our face
that's the cost of capitalism
a loss of choice, say goodbye to fair trade
fair isn't fair when we're suffering
a Godless world is one where we look down on the people next to us
so for God's sake
let's fight
revolutionize
because this is wrong, not just in my eyes, but in your eyes
when they take all we have and call it economy
take it from Jesus
let's live like hippies and commies
together with our brothers and our sisters
united in one body.

What are friends? I'm not exactly the authority on this subject. I haven't owned any for very long. Before 8th grade, actually, there hadn't been anyone that really cared about me outside of my family. Teachers, sure, but teachers don't count as friends. My life had been a series of acquaintances, backstabbers, and cousins. There's been people who I'd talk to, but it was like talking to a brick wall because they, like all the others, didn't give a **** whether I was talking or not. My innermost thoughts and feelings were not of importance. They actually told me to go away a couple of times, and got offended when my feelings were hurt. "Whoa, man, can't you take a joke?" Those words feel like a knife in your heart. Not only are you wrong, but your feelings also aren't valid. I started acting like these people. I became negative, dramatic, in order to fit in. They still treated me like ****. I eventually escaped, and I want you to realize, people who don't care about you don't deserve to be around you. Friendships are relationships, and if you are fine just existing alongside someone and not participating or loving or supporting within the relationship, you are not a good friend, sorry. You have to work at it every day, build it, care for it tenderly because your heart deserves to be held as gently as you would. I want you to spend the only life you'll ever live with people who want to be there alongside you.

you can try to swim the sea
you can try to hold the breeze
but say goodbye to you and me
you can try with skin and bones
but you will end up all alone
you can try to hide the sun
but say goodbye to everyone

Alcohol does not agree with my system-
neither do you

"I think she has a crush on somebody from the boys
basketball team."
No. of course not the boys team.
Maybe it's me?
if her mom thinks she likes someone
related to basketball
it's gotta be me.

...please be me.