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Sep 2015 · 225
free
M Sep 2015
I don't care if I'm out of control,
if out of control is what I have to be
in order to break free.
so, you see, I couldn't give less of a ****
of anyone's opinion of me,
when it comes down to the wire,
those unwilling to try will fail
and I, well, I will succeed.
Sep 2015 · 292
unity and fear
M Sep 2015
we as humans know the price of separation
we know the pain and fear when you do not know the truth
when we do not tell the truth.
we know the anxiety that comes from isolation,
because in the space between people comes the noise and confusion
when there is a gap between souls a fog fills it and we don't know
what each other means and we don't know if they love us or not
division leads to fear, loneliness, isolation, pain, and jealousy.

a person standing alone is a lone pillar buffeted by wind in the desert
buried by sand and scorched by the screaming heat,
a person standing alone is a man trying to swim in the sea
during a hurricane, waves choking and crashing around him
a person standing alone is a person standing on a cliff,
wild animals growling behind them, they have to run, they are
looking out into a smoky abyss but they don't know how far they have to jump
to make it to the other side.

We must learn to brave the gap, to take that leap of faith
even if it's scary (and it is) to trust someone, we must.
We must love one another or die.
The greater the gap, the greater the fear, the harder it is to bridge it-
that's why when we are unafraid, our souls clamp together
(we are unafraid because our souls clamp together and
our souls clamp together because we are unafraid-
these truths are not causal, they are necessary of each other.)

we know what happens when we let ourselves be vulnerable
when we wake someone up to simply lay in bed with us
and you know that even if they don't understand, they care,
and for a second we are together with God, (this is true unity) but we are just
two people holding each other and I can feel my pulse slowing down
I can feel my heart calming and my skin cool because
now, at last, someone is with me, they are close, I feel safe,
I am no longer alone. I am no longer alone.
Sep 2015 · 234
run around / blues traveler
M Sep 2015
once upon a midnight dreary I woke with something in my head
I couldn't escape the memory of a phone call and of what you said
like a game-show contestant with a parting gift
I could not believe my eyes
when I saw through the voice of a trusted friend
who needs to humor me and tell me lies. Yeah, humor me and tell me lies.
Sep 2015 · 367
eggs
M Sep 2015
our souls are like an omelette. when gaps are created,
more of us fills it in. the more gaps, the faster it cooks,
and maybe it can't cook properly if you don't push it around a bit.
and the final product, of course, is all the better and completely different
because of the free-flowing into the holes left by someone elses'
meddling. but it still tastes delicious. and it's still an omelette.
Sep 2015 · 245
Untitled
M Sep 2015
You are free, even when others think they hold you back,
even when others believe they have power over you, when
they think their snares have caught another one, you are free.
you are a bird, a butterfly, that can fly away at a moment's notice
dissolve the spiderweb and melt the cage, you are free
because your soul can never be restrained by anything living or dead that stands on this planet or in this universe. You are free.
Sep 2015 · 446
clean
M Sep 2015
I've never felt quite so clean as when I woke up at dawn with bugs and sweat all over me after not showering for three days and I took a bath in a waterfall. I've never felt quite so clean as when the dust filled my eyes as I spun the loves of my life in circles. I've never felt quite so clean as when I kicked my shoes off and walked through the mud. I've never felt quite so clean as when I brushed my teeth in a room full of mold, body hair, and strange fluids. I've never felt quite so clean as when the smell of mildew seemed permanently embedded in my nostrils. I've never felt quite so clean as when I chose to sit in the ice cold and I wasn't sure I could do it but my friends, my friends, the truest friends I've ever had, knew my favorite song and they knew I needed help so they sang it I smiled and opened my eyes to a halo of light and darkness and love and isolation. I've never felt quite so clean as when my throat was raw from shouting and my skin was covered in charcoal and ash and the sweat dripped down my back as I was surrounded by pumping fists and bodies and spit from screams and I knew I was a leader then, I knew I belonged then. I've never felt quite so clean as when I stared up at the Milky Way, completely naked in the middle of the forest on a dirt road, walking next to a girl whose soul I dirtied and she looked at me and I knew I was forgiven and she sang to me a song that she shouldn't have. I've never felt quite so clean as when two of the dirtiest people that have ever existed, in two completely different ways, pulled together in the only light that shone through the cool new darkness of that night, while the whole of our worlds watched and we danced, we danced and they all laughed because they could see, and it wasn't what or who we were supposed to be, but in that moment it was the most clean that I have ever felt.
missing camp
Sep 2015 · 5.4k
Reflux
M Sep 2015
I pass back and read late at night
write poetry,
eat yogurt, things I had sworn off and return to with ever more vigor
I am caught in an orbit,
the gravitation is just enough to keep me spinning and too much
to let me go free, I fight it,
I fight it with stolen cigarettes and late nights
and tumbling over and over on a golf course
I fight it with drinks by myself and the purchase of ridiculous items
song lyrics composed on the spot and bold winks across the room
smiley faces and pickup lines to people I should not dare
a fantasy of LSD and the hope I'll see a dragon
so I can finally stop dreaming of them.
this is a repost from a long time ago. one of mine.
Sep 2015 · 211
infinity
M Sep 2015
Down to Earth, it's like I'm frozen, but the world still turns
stuck in motion, and the wheels keep spinning 'round
moving in reverse with no way out.
by one direction
M Sep 2015
Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me
these lyrics are very calming and literally describe camp to me. thinking about this type of thing right now.
Sep 2015 · 1.3k
mars in libra
M Sep 2015
too much of anything can disturb your inner balance,
acidifying your stomach lining and destroying you from the inside out-
control what you put in your mind and contain it
so that your heart will not have an overload or an overflow-
every single cause of death is the end of homeostasis.
I'm really enjoying writing astrology-based poetry.
Sep 2015 · 138
Untitled
M Sep 2015
and yet again I find that everyone wants to talk and no one wants to listen.
Sep 2015 · 151
Untitled
M Sep 2015
it it's disturbing to some people that I have more than one dimension,
it's more disturbing to me that I've been held together with nothing wrong, nothing changing for so long. There must be something wrong when you are numb.
Sep 2015 · 1.4k
sagittarius
M Sep 2015
the centaur does not always want to run, the centaur
sometimes sits, and accepts what is told to him
one must sit still to learn. But, what the centaur finds
is that when he sits for too long, shackles begin
to be thrown over him, and his muscled arms and legs
strain, break free, and launch away, burning bridges behind him
out of an instinct of hatred for constraints and a wild passion
for freedom- sometimes he forgets that he needs
to cross those bridges again. But it's okay. He'll find a way.
But, sure as hell, he'll learn his lesson, and he won't sit still. It's just as well.
Sep 2015 · 181
Untitled
M Sep 2015
don't look at me don't look at me don't look at me
(the things I would do to burn off that nauseating gaze)
don't pity me, don't ask after me, don't touch me
(I don't want anyone to care about me ever again.)
in kind of a weird mood this morning. pretty pissy.
Sep 2015 · 168
Untitled
M Sep 2015
I've caught that infectious laugh again
but this time it's just got me feeling sick.
my stomach kind of hurts so I was messing with the motif of illness.
Sep 2015 · 452
infinity
M Sep 2015
"And now I'm one step closer to being two steps far from you."
by one direction
Sep 2015 · 350
infinity / one direction
M Sep 2015
How many nights does it take to count the stars?
That's the time it would take to fix my heart.
Oh, baby, I was there for you
all I ever wanted was the truth.
How many nights have you wished someone would stay?
lay awake only hoping they're okay
I never counted all of mine
if I tried, I know it would feel like infinity
Infinity.

Eyes can't shine
unless there's something burning bright behind
since you went away, there's nothing left in mine
I feel myself running out of time.
lyrics from the song that they just released.
Sep 2015 · 312
Untitled
M Sep 2015
"I want you to promise me something. If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared it will cause problems. Even if you're scared it will burn your life to the ground. You say it. You say it out loud. And you go from there."
-Mark Sloan. Aka McSteamy. Rj told me that I am most like him out of the characters on grey's anatomy so I looked him up and this is what came up. I was pretty blown away because it sounds exactly like something I'd say.
M Sep 2015
I sit in one of the dives
On Fifty-second Street
Uncertain and afraid
As the clever hopes expire
Of a low dishonest decade:
Waves of anger and fear
Circulate over the bright
And darkened lands of the earth,
Obsessing our private lives;
The unmentionable odour of death
Offends the September night.

Accurate scholarship can
Unearth the whole offence
From Luther until now
That has driven a culture mad,
Find what occurred at Linz,
What huge imago made
A psychopathic god:
I and the public know
What all schoolchildren learn,
Those to whom evil is done
Do evil in return.

Exiled Thucydides knew
All that a speech can say
About Democracy,
And what dictators do,
The elderly ******* they talk
To an apathetic grave;
Analysed all in his book,
The enlightenment driven away,
The habit-forming pain,
Mismanagement and grief:
We must suffer them all again.

Into this neutral air
Where blind skyscrapers use
Their full height to proclaim
The strength of Collective Man,
Each language pours its vain
Competitive excuse:
But who can live for long
In an euphoric dream;
Out of the mirror they stare,
Imperialism's face
And the international wrong.

Faces along the bar
Cling to their average day:
The lights must never go out,
The music must always play,
All the conventions conspire
To make this fort assume
The furniture of home;
Lest we should see where we are,
Lost in a haunted wood,
Children afraid of the night
Who have never been happy or good.

The windiest militant trash
Important Persons shout
Is not so crude as our wish:
What mad Nijinsky wrote
About Diaghilev
Is true of the normal heart;
For the error bred in the bone
Of each woman and each man
Craves what it cannot have,
Not universal love
But to be loved alone.

From the conservative dark
Into the ethical life
The dense commuters come,
Repeating their morning vow;
'I will be true to the wife,
I'll concentrate more on my work,'
And helpless governors wake
To resume their compulsory game:
Who can release them now,
Who can reach the dead,
Who can speak for the dumb?

All I have is a voice
To undo the folded lie,
The romantic lie in the brain
Of the sensual man-in-the-street
And the lie of Authority
Whose buildings ***** the sky:
There is no such thing as the State
And no one exists alone;
Hunger allows no choice
To the citizen or the police;
We must love one another or die.

Defenseless under the night
Our world in stupor lies;
Yet, dotted everywhere,
Ironic points of light
Flash out wherever the Just
Exchange their messages:
May I, composed like them
Of Eros and of dust,
Beleaguered by the same
Negation and despair,
Show an affirming flame.
not written by me
Sep 2015 · 232
permission to feel
M Sep 2015
not all poems have words.
some, like the way I feel right now
are written in the stricken pulse of one
who loves when she ought not to love
and hates when hate is not called for.
There are no choice words for this,
though I will try, and fail, I can't write it
because maybe there are words
but I'm not allowed to write them.
(why do I feel like I need permission to feel?)
thinking about how even this is a concealment of my own emotions for fear they will make other people uncomfortable. I've realized I've been censoring myself for the sake of not disturbing the balance of things. But this practice, in its core, is disturbing the balance of my own soul.
Sep 2015 · 201
Untitled
M Sep 2015
"Busy is a choice. Stress is a choice. Joy is a choice. Choose well."
-Ann Voskamp
Sep 2015 · 182
Untitled
M Sep 2015
we both know why
(or maybe only I do and I'm lying when I speak for two)
the light has hardened behind my eyes
(I just wanted to know if it hurt you too.)
Sep 2015 · 333
without love
M Sep 2015
like a week that's only Mondays
only ice cream, never sundaes
like a circle with no center
like a door marked, "Do Not Enter"
from hairspray
Sep 2015 · 151
Untitled
M Sep 2015
I have bigger dreams in further places
but I'm a little afraid to let go to get there.
thinking about college
Sep 2015 · 217
robert
M Sep 2015
(if I could make you giggle like that all the time then I would but I can't so I have to stay away from you)
about Kate Chopin's the Awakening
Sep 2015 · 188
Untitled
M Sep 2015
if you're wondering why, it's because it feels better for me to hate you than to love you.
Sep 2015 · 282
The Awakening / Kate Chopin
M Sep 2015
" "Why?" asked her companion. "Why do you love him when you ought not to?"

Edna, with a motion or two, dragged herself on her knees before Mademoiselle Reisz, who took the glowing face between her two hands.
"Why? Because his hair is brown and grows away from his temples; because he opens and shuts his eyes, and his nose is a little out of drawing; because he has two lips and a square chin, and a little finger which he can't straighten from having played baseball too energetically in his youth. Because - "

"Because you do, in short," laughed Mademoiselle.” "
Sep 2015 · 130
Untitled
M Sep 2015
and now for something completely different.
Sep 2015 · 146
Untitled
M Sep 2015
I asked Him how I could be worthy to sit there and look Him in the face
and He told me "I know you're not perfect. That's why I came down to you."
"All you need is faith that where you are right now is exactly where you need to be."
Sep 2015 · 296
Untitled
M Sep 2015
Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.
-Bob Marley
Sep 2015 · 171
game (4)
M Sep 2015
if this is a game board, I'm not rolling the dice anymore.
Sep 2015 · 657
unwrite you
M Sep 2015
I know that I want to unwrite you from my past, (or at least I should),
but when it comes down to it, I don't know if I would.
Sep 2015 · 206
Untitled
M Sep 2015
people tend to only want you when you're good or beautiful or free
and sometimes I wonder why and then God never fails to remind me
that people only come to him for a quick fixer-upper too
and that every day I pray "Lord let me love like you."
Sep 2015 · 207
Untitled
M Sep 2015
dreams last for so long
Sep 2015 · 113
Untitled
M Sep 2015
could I, should I, would I,
(I can't see myself anywhere else)
can I, will I, dare I,
(it's this path or that path)
may I? Here I am, Lord,
(My heart wanders til it comes home to you)
I am scared, Lord
(don't let me wander so far I lose my way)
guide me and answer my questions with questions
(let me always return to your sacred heart.)
Sep 2015 · 242
Untitled
M Sep 2015
don't know why, but sometimes I just can't help myself
Sep 2015 · 102
Untitled
M Sep 2015
shake it off, and step above.
the goat
Sep 2015 · 177
my ring is gone
M Sep 2015
the greatest irony is that I didn't get to choose when to let her go
and maybe because of that I will always feel the pain of her absence.
I just think it's funny that after telling someone to be absolutely sure when you're willing to let a representation of a thing go, I literally lost my ring. So it doesn't matter if you want to or not because sometimes things just happen. I keep messing with my ring finger because I expect it to be there, but it's not- that what the second line is about.
Sep 2015 · 180
Untitled
M Sep 2015
it's not my right to be afraid and to be angry and to get upset
and yet, here I am, but God knows I'll keep it to myself
keep smiling, bounce off the walls a bit- you'll never know anything is different.
Sep 2015 · 212
the mind
M Sep 2015
the mind is not an engine- the fuller, the more smoothly it runs
the mind is a bottle. The emptier, the easier it is to bend and crumple
but when it is too full- it explodes.
Sep 2015 · 277
you can't stop the beat
M Sep 2015
Cause you can't stop the beat

Ever since this old world began
A woman found out if she shook it
She could shake up a man
And so I'm gonna shake and shimmy it
The best that I can today

'Cause you cant stop
The motion of the ocean
Or the sun in the sky
You can wonder if you wanna
But I never ask why

And if you try to hold me down
I'm gonna spit in your eye and say
That you cant stop the beat!
I've been listening to a LOT of hairspray.
Sep 2015 · 193
Untitled
M Sep 2015
I know that there's a limit to everything.
friends / ed sheeran
Sep 2015 · 292
Lyin' Eyes / the Eagles
M Sep 2015
On the other side of town a boy is waiting
with fiery eyes and dreams no one could steal
She drives on through the night anticipating
'Cause he makes her feel the way she used to feel.
Sep 2015 · 526
love wins
M Sep 2015
when I give to you everything in my sky and on my ground
I give to you my rain, my thunder, my sun, my clouds
you take all fog away from the drought in my eyes
my bare soul is left and there's no need to deny
who I am anymore, you've shown me I'm worth it
you've shown me my skin and my heart, they deserve it
you've writtin in stone the peace that you gave
because in the end, Lord, you rose from the grave
to show me you love me. And not just my sin
but my soul and my essence, what's left in the end
that I forgot how to recognize when we fell from your plan
Now you've given me back. So, thank you. Love wins.
Sep 2015 · 144
someone
M Sep 2015
the Lord's peace is this: that there is someone willing to bear your burden for you
someone who can. someone who will.
someone who matters more than anyone else in the whole universe
and that someone loves you more than you can ever love them.
and that at the end of time, the end of your world,
you will go home to that someone and they will hold you in their arms forever.
His name is Jesus.
Sep 2015 · 186
Untitled
M Sep 2015
can you believe that Jesus Christ literally exists
and that God was incarnate as a human
to show us that we're worth something?
To make us see that we mean something to someone?
Sep 2015 · 225
faith
M Sep 2015
This life is a raging storm in an ocean, waves tossing and turning
lightning and wind all around us, the water is cold-
we desperately try and swim, but we can't do it on our own,
not for very long. If we try to swim, we will drown.

Faith is strapping your hands and feet to a cross and trusting that
even though you can't steer, or move your limbs, or swim,
and at times the water washes over your face and it's terrifying,
you will survive.

The only way to survive is knowing you can't do it alone,
and surrendering all hope of trying to take hold of your own life.
Faith is giving up all control and trusting that the cross will float
knowing that one day, it will wash up on shore.

And the shore is heaven.
inspired by a letter my confirmation sponsor wrote to me.
M Sep 2015
people you hurt and who hurt you will stay in your heart forever, you know
whatever you do, wait until you are certain that it's time to let it go.
Sep 2015 · 191
day by day
M Sep 2015
it will be like being a vegetarian-
"Forever?" is a harder question than "Can I have the meal but without the meat?"
"Will I never have bacon?" is daunting and will tempt me to give in,
but day by day, a life without bacon isn't that different.
But, dear Lord, give me the strength to embrace forever as well as today.
Sep 2015 · 180
retreat reflections
M Sep 2015
Eliminating all ritual because "nothing can be good enough for God"
is like not buying your mom a birthday present because you can't express your love in a present.
**** it up and buy your mom a present.
Destroying all connections to God because He is indescribable
is atheistic and nihilistic in nature because it's saying we should not even
try because we're doomed to fail; it's saying that we are nothing.
And we know we are something because He told us.
Saying God wants us to just "do our own thing as long as it gets us to Him"
is forgetting every time God gave us specific and exact instructions about how to reach Him
and is forgetting that God told us to deny ourselves, to lose our lives
so that we may take them up again.
God didn't say to follow our hearts. He said to follow His heart.
musings from this weekend
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