Sweat in shade sweat, shade
and speak an octave higher to four-legged foes
biting your knees and knocking you down
singing in iambs, awaiting the slaughter
and dancing, always dancing
amid triangles on triangles of smoke

Waterfalls cascade, not topple
and human pyramids stay sick and envy
consumes the crowd like a virus
so they bark and sweep like clean linens on whipping posts

Drink faster, leave town
before you encounter sticky blue fingers
before they stain your blouse and cheeks
before they make you grade papers and sing hymns
before curiosity kills your wonder
and your joints buckle and crack
with loud snaps and ringing bells

I don't think you understand the geography
you keep running in circles in my head
while I keep pushing you toward the door

With the blank slate before me
I recognize that memories, like secrets
are hard to keep.
Watching the white on the empty canvas
I remember the white on her dress
which deteriorates to purple and blue, with time.
Even her eyes, so many hours spent staring
are fading away.

But even in this mess of
failed relationships and
melting pools, even in this,
I believe it is
still alive, I believe that the sparks and spikes
and blocks of ice are just as cold as you
remember. I want to dance in the snowfall of our youth,
the fountains freezing as soon as the
liquid hits the air. The chill that permeates the
skin, the wind blowing through
veins. I find myself wanting, wanting.

But we keep keep on keep on
moving forward as
new obstacles emerge, protruding from the ground
four feet, five feet, six feet in front of where we are
walking. The smooth path is neither hope nor
memory, just an echo falling off the
cliffs in my subconscious.

But this is this is all we are.
And we go go hush hush
crouched in gardens hidden by roses and daisies.
And the daisies remind me of her and
her pink green orange dresses that all fade
to gray looking back in the fog.
That trip over the bridge took
so long on a broken tandem bicycle.
I could barely see the fringe of her skirt
get caught in the chain.

When I rediscover the artifacts of our
lost romance, the tube of rose-colored
lipstick leaning nonchalantly
against a corner in my bedroom
I switch, sweep it all up
into a pile that holds a decade of color
threatening to burn a hole in the carpet.

But my dreams are losing it,
the faces all ****** and solid
the movements rhythmic and calculated
the reds and greens and yellows turning to gray
the outlines coming in, minimizing the frame
until I’m left with a blank canvas
a scorched carpet
and a palate with colors ranging from white
to white
and back again.

Glowing rooftops and alligator skin
washed up on green sand beaches
camouflaged, hiding shifty eyes
except irises purple and pupils expanding
what does distortion look like
reverberating through salty waves

Light flashes between the fifth
and minor four like a polaroid
but you probably don't remember
that kind of instant gratification
in a modern world where tangible
means antiquated and to make
means a veritable lifetime

Buck up, kid
the world is full of shortcuts
that introduce dense foliage
and exotic invasive species
and first dances on wedding days
and bare feet scuffed and scraped
racking up years of tear
and callouses leathery and intimidating

When the rain disintegrates your cover
and your muscles ache and strain
touch your toes and listen
to birds singing in the wind

Stripped down, stripped
bare handlebars on coldest ride
into the wind and shouts loud
discouraging and dissonant
whipping faces clean with
enticed tears and red noses
pedaling harder
into the fog

Pin down butterfly wings
on frozen dissection table
and claim aviary consent
by the beating of its wings
in specific, modern rhythm

Let's all don masks
of ****** beetroot red
and live our lives like lab rats
locked in dingy basements

All you've got is dead
ends and some cilantro
and maybe a few basil
leaves and a book of
stamps and your feet in
the sand and the rain
beaded in your hair.

What is to be done with
foggy film and sixteenth
notes, how am I supposed
to build a bridge alone?
I can't even see the next
pier, I don't know how
you expect me to reach it.

In testing new environments
and procedures you grab
the cast iron skillet and
throw it at the wall
to see what sticks.

With sparkles and bells on
I respond with a tremor
like a California earthquake.

I am the tiny wine glass
underneath a crisp white cloth
crushed under the wide, leathered
foot of groom under chuppah in a tall
synagogue in colored leaf autumn
in a wedding I'll never have
on a street I'll never see.

I am the dinner plate
being thrown from the edge
of a blue, chipped paint dumpster
on the side of a sparkling parking lot
slick after persistent winter drizzle
that spits angrily from the sky
in a stack of other kitchen
items to be smashed
against pavement.

I am wrist bones of
the minuscule, important variety
in the moment a twig is caught in spokes
and thrown from the bicycle, you make impact
with the brick wall adjacent to the alley
and hear some small cracks
and are unable to lift your
fingers or right hand,
or twist to pull
yourself up.

I am the double-paned
window of a basement apartment
in the summer when hoodlums and homeless
kick glass for fun and seek to scare
innocent movie-watchers as
fireworks pierce and light
the third of July sky.

I am a sad little girl
with sad little eyes that look
out to the future and see something
moving in the distance, a pair of two young
people holding hands, walking on an
Oregon beach in foggy mist,
that blink and realize that
mirages are cruel, and
have no remorse.

I don't remember the strength I earned
though I hear in time, it's relearned.

Stand in dusty pew and listen
through cracked stained glass, hear
bellows of bike corpse peddlers
under glassy sky with loud sirens
that pierce the mindful silence
of a downtown service riddled with
seemingly thoughtful reflection.

Nose and eyes, I am dripping
from my face I am grabbing
at my stomach to keep it from
screaming out, to keep it from
disrupting city noise and
undiscussed knee touching and
squinted side glances.

In some corner in some alley somewhere
a young boy cowers, covered in dirt
and takes a long swig from a bottle of cheap rye.

It is important to establish
early comfort, though pre-dawn
is the best time for experiments
on flowing swooping arm
gesticulations, on shades
of lips and knuckles scuffed
from carelessness and bicycles.

Where even did sleep
or when, those words
of inquiry are tight and
relaxed, small boxes
of language with nouns
punching holes for air
buried beneath verbs.

"It is OKAY to be who you are
when you are and where you
might go and how you might
get there. You can hold what
you will and teach what you
wish but you still are tethered
like the yellow rubber ball,
beat to death by adolescents."

this creative sea
you, me, us
a cavalcade of pronouns
dead tigers
swimming and spinning
through cascades of metaphor
and simile maldefined.

so sick of seeking truth
a battle poorly placed
awkward timing
skinny lines
of belief, disbelief and nonparticipation
waiting for clarity
in the waves of obscurity.

“as you know, we’ll never know
and blindly ford the river of paint
horse hair in hand
to an actualized bank.”
scoffs, she does, and moves face and nose to her art
up for air, and down again
actualizing the truth
that was never there, always.

My nostrils stay cold in the warm weather, cold in the rain, a forever remnant of the days of ******* and truck beds. I inhale and exhale the poison of cigarettes, but the shotgun electricity of the little white lines pierces the folds of memory. As much as I ache to forget, I can still feel the powder laying latent underneath my fingernails.

The days of wanting stress are replaced by wanting to alleviate it. I'd rather not sit and listen to your scratching your tense fingertip-tapping jitters. Silent leg shaking bouncing making my records skip. The dust-covered dumpster-dived needle has stress enough without your additions, subtractions, multiplications. You sneeze white and red, the signs of frustrated futures and presents. The record skips back to one, water stained, nothing changes.

I once played without direction and felt it cheap and unnecessary, like angels that breathe deeply underwater. Grasping for sympathy and votes of confidence. Forging intimate connections without it, needing wanting grabbing feebly into the air. Desperation never even gets a chance. We are strong as equals, love dissipating into the aether, waiting watching wandering wishing waking.

I tried to bend and not break, divide and not conquer. I tripped on the wire, skinned knees, forgetting. The clouds of gray hang low low in the air. I will hold strong to my promises, even in this time of turmoil and smashed faces. My foot will stay planted. I will move forward. I will keep on keep on keep on.

Even when they doubt me, I will keep on.

It coasts on the dips and dives
along smooth muscle, contracting
pushing, friction absent
and lubrication self-perpetuating.

She called it a spiral, but
I don't see it that way.

It is funny how the little things --
orange and purple and white petals
strings of words together like beads
white-bordered photographs in sepia
-- are bigger than they should be
and shrinking into the smallest spaces
ubiquitous and permeating
reproducing
on and onward pulling.

How do you determine the area of a feeling
how you wipe it down like auto wax
all the crevices like jelly in the webbing
between your fingers
all the misplaced metaphor and you're assuming
I know what you're talking about
you're assuming I care.

I see them there in the bright lights.
I want to be with them.
I want to be a part of nothing.
I want something to be a part of me.

The circle is the mockingest of shapes
daring the others to find its edges
a noose for the mathematician
relying on impossible for truth discovery
the approximation to determine strength or mass or density.

A curve is inherently incorrect
and creates problems for the navigators
who trust cohesion and consistency
who trust each other in cohesion
and constant and consistent standard creation
who challenge the borders of the world
and braid together the loose ends
cruising on new planes.

I watched the wing fall into the water
into the lake, that's a lake, right?
It feels like it goes on forever.

Loud noise.
Open eyes.
Dart right and right.
Grab. Hold. Release.
Quiet.

In chalk on the floor, I drew one of those shapes.
I crawled inside of it, curled up into it.
I closed my eyes tight and held my knees together.

Did you ever ask
how long it takes to write
you out of every verse
and all the lines and pages
crumpled in the wastebin
and beads in your hair
and lips drawn like mannequins
and some unsavory sounds
muffled and escaping under the door

Tap tap slap with accent
and headache and eyeroll
while matching shirts stain
in the same exact places
and the low powerhouse hum
hovers somewhere between C and D flat
while beachy melody traipses
over mutual bored expressions

Everything is borrowed, have you ever
built anything with your hands?
Why so soft and exhausted,
you *****? Why don't you stand and fight back?

Unknown monsters disappear
into shadows and thick smoke
leaving a trail of tired descriptors
and false intention

There is no creativity in sunshine.
Absolute light in stripes and dots,
seeking meaning in descriptive plots.
Statistics and vibrations
have no place in conversations
about the weather.
If you keep looking at me like that,
gray eyes so warm and quizzical,
I’ll try to grasp some kind of meaning,
some sort of fleeting feeling
in your confusion.
the sharp back twinges and hits,
hips and elbows and fingertips,
grasping, reaching,
forever teaching
to be calm and content
in melancholy and nonchalance.
There is no creativity in sunshine.
Gray clouds add depth
to the skies, and your eyes,
add a level of complexity to our path,
avoiding rain using complex math,
spatial patterns, infinite maps,
lines and layers, moving fast,
seeking sunshine to escape the past.

How many more of us are
dissolving into a creaky
puddle of salt and sweat
and glands and ducts
misbehaving, how many
of us are deserving of
a whack and thump
of never repeating
and never being happy

I need help I need
some serious help my
organs are failing I
smashed the glass and
confetti falls from spackled
ceiling oh wouldn't it be
nice if there was someone
to catch the little pills
rolling down my chest

What does it mean when no one
answers your call when you
can't pull yourself up anymore
and you cry out because you
failed to remember that failure
is a virtue, and that nobody
will ever remember you fondly
for playing with fire and violins

You scared the hell out of me
girl, you best remember how bad
it is for some humans in this world
and how you'll never jump any
hurdles, there were none for you
to even try.

They just ignore what they don't
like about you. They forget it
exists until it shows up again
and again and again and you can't
stop it because it's part of you
and no matter how hard you hack
it's still hanging on by more
than a thread.

Sticky red-faced and wanting
collapses in a pile on floral upholstery
exhausted, bleeding, and alone.

My secrets are all hidden underneath poached eggs and hollandaise sauce as the sun creeps up over the horizon after another sleepless night. The requisite, routine, clearly, clearly, that's reasonable. I was surprised by your cunning, clever nature. You are so much more than you seem.

I fell in love with the process, like the little black notes that make up a slow jam or the pores on your body all clogged and gasping for air. The little spaces in between the letters seem so functional, so right. I am grabbed at grabbed at too too much. Radios and drama, culminating in a slow and painful downward spiral that never seems to end.

The green bar at the top of the marquee distracted me and I walked into pole after pole. I have saved this afternoon for you, don't you know! I paused and rewound and found the perfect spot to stop and rescue you. The sea birds are a little faster than me. The mermaids will not sing for me. They see through my game.

And I can't recreate the sound of home, like I want to. And the bed is so empty without you next to me. And the drive is long and lonely and without destination.

Island can't stop sliding
even when dull pencils
stuck in sand push back
strong, even when your
toes are curling inward
and holding on tight

The sunburn highway is
crowded today and we're
stuck in traffic, caught
behind a particularly
thick cloud, compounding
beach  breezes and midday
shivering beneath towels

With sweaty hands clapping
beat and fast punches, the
overnight foliage blooms
and dies, laughing hard
in the bright room with no doors

What time is it?
We should be fine,
on time in Nashville.
Muted colors and eyes
heavy, wander in
blind monotone, sing
to waving adolescents.

The light turns orange
with age before brightening
morning sky, the flood
on the tarmac transitions
to scattered blue as seconds
creep closer to the dawn.

Arched window voice in
rolling fields with fences
cry out like grass seed sneezes
from rainy Octobers and Julys.

Seek a safe place
a house with long hallways that push
and bend and fold in many
shapes and defy direction
or some other alliterative pair
push ******* the wall
like it's not even there

Words are a labor of love
so she hoards them in her hope chest
scribbled, printed, on sheaths white and gold
edges frayed and faded ink, old
I see you in every small town bar
wearing blue collared shirts and a sunset belt
Sundays are weird in my brain
don't talk to me until I'm out of the rain

So I'm crawling down this highway
hearing her echo pushing minor fours
hush, push down, lift
reach out beyond continental drift

Let the gator snake around your hand
and pass me some quarters to tip the band

Six pregnant cigarettes later
a mint julep poured and tasted
fingers licked while lips drunk sting
and sweat beads and rolls on upper lip.

A lean on outdoor table with
feet raised on outdoor chair and
grass greener than the impressionists
while the sevens and eights dance
with awkward hair and chocolate stains
a look from picture window
and ribeye steak and butter in the pan.

Fish and gills in the air and salt
drops on tiny blue eyeballs
so squints make their way gracefully
into every last family portrait.

patience, patience
jaw tight stomach purr
like lawnmower cat
like industrial brewing
like wheat paste motorcycle
like bellowing brook

adapt, adapt
bite tongue with sugar
stick to cold arches
stick to dewy lemongrass
stick to knife scissor sharp
stick to hooves and acrylic

forward, forward
ink rolled down track
onto chocolate silver boats
onto plain air flight
onto lightning scared bees
onto several unsure sets

relinquish, relinquish
dreaming fixed empty space
pushing black blanket bike
pushing solid redwood glass
pushing bowls ceramic smoke
pushing fields blue red and gray

it is hard sometimes to determine
how to proceed.

Remember art class in the big room
with spray painted concrete ground
where you were given a tiny mosaic
square and asked to recreate it on a
much larger piece of canvas when
you knew full well you weren't an
artist and you never would be? You
spent the time mixing blue and white
acrylic paint together on a small piece
of a former gallon of milk, adding and
adding until there was more than you
would need but the color matched
perfectly and of that you were proud.

Now you're older and you know a bit
more about hue and saturation and how
difficult it can be, working with imprecise
mediums, to do that, to make something to
fit a very precise set of guidelines with no
missteps, no miscalculations, no question
as to its perfection. You wonder if the color
really did match back then, or if you are
remembering something that never really
happened, if you wanted it bad enough
that it changed your recollection.

That day, everyone's large square canvas
pieces went together into designated
spaces on the wall to make a composite
image and all the blues were different
shades and that made you frustrated
and nervous and disappointed in the
other third graders sitting around in a
circle on wobbling stools wearing dad's
old dress shirts as smocks and throwing
brushes at each other and giggling as
eight-year-olds do. You stared at the
tidal wave on the wall made up of all
these disparate pieces and you told
yourself that you'd notice when things
matched as though they were meant, as
though they were destined and divine.

You see the waves lapping at the beach as
we stare out at the vast Pacific. We stand
on the shore and you tell me that my eyes
match perfectly the colors of the Sitka spruces
reaching their arms out wide behind me. Your
flannel shirt matches the gray November sky.
It took all the way to Oregon until it happened
again, but you keep your promise to yourself.

You notice the matching colors. You
smile to yourself and look down at me.
You grab my hand and pull me closer.

It's a hush hush spin cycle
Words at high volumes
Dew roses do talk
Olfactory persuasion

All things end someday
and some days are closer than others
Measure distance in hours
and time in long inches

How late will the light stay
and how dark until blindness
Don't set expectations
Their whispers will find you

Why hunt hurt hardly
with soft stretchy paper
that covers your eyelids
and howls through the night

I don't remember if it was
two or three, the hour of the
night (morning) or the times you
said that you'd like to be nowhere
anywhere, tall places, submerged
locales, you said you wanted to share
these spaces with me, you wanted to share
those places.

I tried to breathe on cue
with the rise and fall of your
chest, but your breath fell irregular
with gasps and sighs like a rollercoaster.
Your arms fell at your sides on top of my arms
at my sides.

What is that noise?
There's a crying baby and a
scratching sound -- the record
needle catching dust in the groove --
and footsteps and water from the hallway
skipping into solace
in this glowing, blanketed fortress
where we hide, grinning.

While you watched me watch you watch me,
your eyes darted back and forth,
inspecting my left eyelid, my right eyebrow,
my left pupil, my right iris.
Your brow furrowed, an involuntary smile
creeping across your face
gave away your intentions.

Our noses touching
you leaned forward, turned your head
slightly, narrowly missing collision
and pressed your lips to mine, slow,
with passion, conviction.
The corners of your mouth turned up,
our eyelashes engaged in whispered conversation,
our fingers twisted together,
sharing secrets through squeezes and taps.

You moved closer, our hips
touching, your arms
wrapped all the way around
my tiny frame, your breath
slow and even and sharp with desire
and anticipation, saying without saying,
"I want to be closer, can we be closer,
can you hear me, do you feel it."

I rolled my ankles and stretched my
toes, lengthening my body and leaning
on your bones, kissing you softly
in the spaces made for quiet brushes and
accidental contact, my hair on your neck
tickling and shaking and making silent
promises. I buried my face in your
chest, wanting to be inside this feeling,
wanting to put it in a jar and to display it
prominently for all to see.

That night we lay together caught,
swaddled and sheets and lost in
each other, starry eyed, content.
Lost, but not alone.
Explorers.
Wanderers.
Adventurers.

Separate in satisfaction until we awoke,
grasping for hands and moving closer still,
ecstatic in clutched embrace,
emphatic in anticipation for contact to come,
euphoric in a sea of effortless ease,
and content in the lazy morning,
tracing shapes,
feeling the world in tiny twitches,
subtle movements.

While I watched you watch me watch you,
my eyes darting back and forth,
a sly grin slowly appeared
and I pulled you closer.

Like a footnote on a first date
phone call and voices low
and wavering, a quip quick
and quiet, monotone, sharp.

Free foundations firm
and faltering, a game
for half a decade second to
determine if the felt fear
is fabricated or fiercely
solid, a rock in a strong stream.

Eyelid shapes appear in clouds
and up and up the plastic
primary colors, the crisp white
sheets, the springtime rain.

Cream steam in mugs with
photos of pets and birthdays
and cracks in the rim, cracks
in the handle, hanging wearing.

Calloused fingers ****** the memories
and lose track of conversation.

On a soft reflection
on a moment sunset pink
and teeming with memory
I consider your smile
(the cliché not withstanding)
and I find that my fascination
is indeed in your gait
(a metric lifetime from expectation)
and your echoing distance laugh
(falling closer to thought)
or your room cross gaze
floating on the professional
where stairwell jaunts
yield unexpected adventures
in smoky silver rooms
on a bridge of glittering lights
or in a quiet heated room
with beard whisker scratches
and a familiar squeezing hand